Love Appears 2

The Unbearable Pain

I can’t forgive myself for what I did to Lilian.

I’m so sorry.

You were so brave.

I don’t deserve Catherine, because what I did to you deserves blame and consequences. Maybe I need to be rejected once to get even with myself and the world.

I have placed Catherine on a pedestal, and now I am terrified. I am my own undoing. I lack the courage to reveal my true feelings, of depth that I couldn't even explain. They would never empathize, and likewise, I would never receive empathy. From the moment I saw her until I was sure that my desire to ask her out was genuine, countless days had passed.

How would I explain that to my friends? The pressure we put on ourselves to respond in mere seconds would never yield a satisfying answer.

I wish for luck, the greatest I’ll ever need in my life. But I don’t believe in it anymore.

This pain, I can’t bear it.

I’ve had some bad days, but I have nothing to hug. The pain clings to me, and I want to embrace it. She brings me suffering and

I want to hug her. I want to hug her, but I can't hug her and I suffer even more.

I close my eyes on the train for a moment and she comes and my dream follows, but when I open them I'm alone and she was nothing but my imagination.

I look for her face, scanning above the seats, but I don’t find her.

I’ve given in to dreams when reality is different. I fell in love with a girl I invented, shaped to my preferences, and no other girl could come close to her. Now I give in to reality when I just want to keep the dream alive until it becomes real.

Yesterday was too late, and today is even more so.

This is not the fullness of suffering, but the shattering of hope that will stretch on indefinitely.

The bad days… the bad days. They make me feel small.

They prey on me in my weakest moments. A cowardly and petty man, who was driven down by his own thoughts about a girl around 16 years old? There will be an end.

Giving up

I can’t erase her with a rubber.

I can’t wash her away with soap.

I’ve lived love stories with Catherine that I’ll never forget.

This is a breakup from a relationship she never even knew existed. I can’t forget her because deep down, I still wish to be with her.

If she came up to me and said something kind… No. I can not think about that. I need to hold onto my phone constantly, just to keep from thinking. Gentle sensations, soft songs, they’re not enough to keep her out of my mind.

I need extremes: pain and death, horror films and intense music, accidents, suicides, and murders, premature death. Aggression, violence, screams. From hopeful beginnings comes despair. The cycle is nearing its end. My friends canceled game night today to focus on studying.

But I want to play, and I WILL PLAY.

We Met

My friends are of little thought, but I love them. And in the randomness of us tossing crumpled paper bags as makeshift balls near the cafeteria entrance, a bag thrown by Charles hit Catherine on the arm, not hard, just with the gentle force of a crumpled piece of paper.

I quickly apologized on his behalf since I was close to her, and she replied with a joking tone.

I couldn’t react or find the right words, so all I did was smile.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I should have said afterward. However, she didn’t even react to being hit—not a sound, not a gesture, and she probably didn’t even turn her eyes to see what had touched her arm.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all, but I seized the opportunity anyway.

I’ll remember this moment fondly, it’s simply unforgettable. <3

At first, I thought Charles’s behavior was silly, but now, I don’t see it that way. I wanted to be careful, just eat and keep to myself, but carelessness often leads to these unexpected moments. Maybe they aren’t accidents at all, perhaps negligence is the root of great happenings. Trying to suppress the greatest feeling I had, ridiculous...