Lost Relationship through time

Dear Little Sister,

Do you remember the first time we met? It was at your birthday party. For those who don’t know, my step mother was a clown that was hired for a party. It was a typical day for me. I was there to help hall my step-mother’s magic wagon, balloon holder and face paint bag grabber. Basically I was a pack mule. I didn’t mind it so much because I was getting paid to do so. Little did I know how much you would have meant to me in the future.

I remember your mom telling me to go ahead and enjoy myself. She introduced us together however, your mom could barely finished the introductions when you dragged me into your room. You showed me your princess castle and all of your girlie girl things. All I kept thinking was I just had to get through this party and I’d never see you again. Boy, was I wrong.

Your mom had spoken to my step-mother about how you kept asking to see me. For the longest time I had refused until I had no choice by both of our parents. I felt trapped quite honestly. However you craved my attention. I wasn’t anything special, but to you, I was everything at the time. You had a connection to me in ways that I didn’t realize at the time.

Through out the years our bond had continued to grow. You went from this annoying little girl to my best friend. We practically did everything together. I honestly remember spending most weekends either at your house in Middleborro or at Gram’s house in Whitman, or your uncle’s house. Your family included me in almost all of their family activities. Things that I was missing from my family because my family were low-life self absorbed people. Your family taught me the meaning of family, that stuck with me for years to come.

Things changed when you moved to Whitman and started going to school with people who weren’t good for you. You became obsessed with their life style, you thought it was so cool. I warned you then that you were going down a path that I would not follow. However, you still went with them because they were more of them than you had people like me.

I remember you wanted have me join a masonic youth group called The International Order of Rainbow for Girls (which by the way, I still love to this day, and love our assembly, and everything it taught me). It may have been a Christian based organization, however they still loved me even though I was the black sheep. They loved you too even though you were another black sheep. I believe to this day, some of the adults still do love you. However just from afar. I remember meeting Mom Nichols at the train station, fearing you had just walked up to a complete stranger at South Station in Boston.

We fell out during one of my darkest moments in life. Six months prior, I had a miscarriage. My first and only miscarriage. During that time, I remember being so excited about possibly being pregnant, that the tests were to early to determine if I was or not. I wanted to make you an Auntie, and possibly a god mother if I could pry you away from your inner demons. Little did we know six months into the future I would lose that ability. I was diagnosed with Cancer for the first time. I knew that this would be the last time I would ever have a baby in my womb. It crushed me. This is when our relationship hit rock bottom. We said some awful things to each other and went our separate ways.

Those words lingered with me for years, as so many others had said the same thing you so easily spat into my face. For a while there, I did believe the cancer was going to kill me as so many had stated it should. I had my hysterectomy. There was no going back. I was cancer free for two years not knowing what was brewing in the absence of my uterus.

Cancer struck again and the treatment was through chemotherapy. When the news reached you, you felt devastated. You reached out and apologized while sobbing. I thought you had grown up and changed. However a few months later would tell me all I needed to know.

Your life has been filled with so much tragedty and heartbreak. I tried my hardest to keep you whole, but this last week had you finally shattered. I was with you every step of the way, giving a guiding hand and support that you needed. However as the week went by something clicked in me. That I too, could only love you from afar. We live in two different worlds, only states apart. I couldn’t be there for you. I wished that I had done more in our past to make sure you didn’t go down that path, but nothing could have changed that.

Please note we may have fallen out again this time around, but I still love you. I just have to do it from afar. I feel shitty doing it when you are in a dark moment in time too. However, I need time myself to heal from not only cancer but trauma too. I don’t know how to help you if I can barely help myself.

You are forever my little sister. I love you with my whole heart. One day, I wish you see the light, and you can create your own family whether it is with or without me in the future.