Letters to Letters

Dear A,

I’m sorry I left you like that. I shouldn’t have even let it go on for that long, this far away. You were great, mature, fun, and caring. I couldn’t solve that problem for you, but I’m sure you found your answer. I hope you solve your future. I hope you can be healed from me leaving like that. I hope you know the future is still yours, forever. I never gave you a proper goodbye. I guess I couldn’t bring myself to let go of what we had. I will forever be praying for you, you don’t believe but I do.

Dear Y,

An ode to the first one, am I right? You weren’t that nice to me but I wanted it, I was addicted to it. I was addicted to what you knew, and the carelessness of my responses. The freedom you had that I thought I could achieve on my own. I didn’t want to lose you, but it happened the way it should have. You may still be sending letters to my old address and I won’t respond. That was me, vanishing when getting too close. Leaving when things were getting good and I was settling in. But it wasn’t a life for me or a life I wanted. I hate goodbyes, but to you, I would have said goodbye.

Dear N,

We had fun, but we both knew it wasn’t going to last. We rushed as much as we could in the week that we had. I’ll never forget when we snuck out of class. I pray that you continue to have fun. I’m glad I told you goodbye and you let me go. You understood me more than anyone else did at the time with what I was going through. Promise me, you’ll take care of yourself, and don’t fall so quickly for a fool like me.

Dear B,

I never told you the complete truth. I apologize for what I did, and how I ended things. It wasn’t smart and it was just an early sign of me running from things. Especially goodbyes. We started off well together, never would I have thought that it would have been you. My first everything. I thank God for my experiences with you. I appreciate your parent’s caution because we were wild back then when we were young. Even now in the midst of all that surrounds me, I can see your house. I imagine the turns through the city, passing the park, then the bakery, and finally your home. I tried to reach back out, I wanted to but I pushed you away. I was your forever, but you weren’t mine. It was the delusion of the perfect life I saw away from you with others here. I wanted you here, but I needed something and I didn’t even know what it was. I spiraled. I gave in. I let the others convince me, and none of them are around me now. Little did I know that I needed to be alone for that time to learn, grow, hurt, and heal. Little did I know that I wasn’t over you for months. Part of me hoped at the end of all of this I would see you again, but I know I won’t. I know you probably want nothing to do with me. From others, I’ve heard you’ve moved on, and I know you’re doing nothing but the best. I’m sorry I hurt you, I was an adolescent in love and relationships. Forgive me, you are one of the few that I hope to respond.

Dear S,

Please leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you. I hate you. Don’t ever come near me again. Stay far away from me. You are an ungodly substance of toxic sin. Contagious to the brain. I find you everywhere. You made me run, you made me do it, you made me help you. I was a young fool to get involved with you. How dare I? And I thought I could keep you a secret. You showed up in every part of my life that I didn’t want you in. I lied to protect you and myself. But now, this time, there’s no more of us, no more of you, this time I mark the date. The 17th. This time I let you go and I don’t look back. Don’t bother responding, you never did anyway I always came back. You’re probably reading this smiling, thinking I’ll be back. No. This time I finally let you go.

Dear M,

I knew since the beginning that it wouldn’t work out between us. I don’t even know why I asked. I don’t even know why I’m even writing you a letter. You were close to me, I wanted it to be, but no. A wise man once said if you must make a decision between two women, choose the second because if you really loved the first, there will be no second.

Dear C,

I love you, I think I have for a while. Matter of fact, I know I have loved you for a while. But I know we aren’t ready. You are an amazing woman. Beautiful, kind, generous, caring, funny, witty, and you love God more than me. I have to admit sometimes it makes me jealous but it’s inspiring to be on the level of knowing him and experiencing his love on a deep intimate level like no other. I don’t know if this letter will reach you. I’m sending it after the battle, but I pray you find it and know that I love you, always have, and always will.

Mother,

I am trying so hard, to be the man you want me to be. I am doing my absolute best to be that man and the man that everyone else calls upon me to be. Mother, know that I’m not going to give up. I’m adjusting to the position that I’m in and I know that your prayers and all the other prayers of those at home are working. I’ve seen miracles with my own eyes. God reveals himself to me on a daily and yet, I still don’t run to him. Believe me, mother, when I say I will get it right. I know you’re already proud of me, and you love me despite what I have done and what I will do. But I won’t let you down. I don’t make promises often, but when I do I keep my word, out of all the letters I’ve written and all the emotions I’ve felt writing, this one means the most. We’re people of few words. I don’t need to write a long letter to you, you know what I mean and how I feel. I promise when I make it out of this, I will be the man I’m supposed to be.