It Is Unavoidable

Hey Mom. I have never told you this before, but for me, it is unavoidable to stop thinking that I only have about 25 years left to enjoy your presence, your calls, and your messages of encouragement. It's already been 32 years since I came into this world. It is impossible that I stop thinking about it. And I want to tell you the following… I still remember that day, as if it were today. It was a Friday. Where you and dad went for a weekend retreat, away from the church we've all been going to since we were kids. I did not remember that you had left, and well, I thought you were at home.

That Friday, when I got home the weather was sunny, very nice and it was hot, but there was an infinite silence. The birds could not be heard, there was no wind, to the point that the sound of a leaf falling to the ground could be heard. When I opened the door of the house I called you, you didn't answer me and that was strange to me. There was no one, I did not hear your voice. The whole house looked organized, very clean and empty. One felt the silence, as if someone had died. I walked around the house to see if I could find you watering the plants that you loved so much, or to see if you were planting your favorite flowers but you weren't there. I went in and checked the whole house to see if you were resting but I couldn't find you. I was unable to find dad either. And in the midst of silence and loneliness I remembered that you were not there, because you had left me... for that retreat. A sadness came over me when I saw that the whole place was empty. I felt a depressing loneliness. A depressing loneliness that reminded me that I won't have you forever. That life is too short and fleeting. That every moment counts. That today we are here and tomorrow we are not. That emptiness made me understand that I need to take advantage of the time we have, and to enjoy your presence. Because as the day comes, so does the dark night.

Death is something that sooner or later I will have to accept. It is something no one can escape from. Death is an event that many people fear for the wrong reasons. Death is part of this natural world. It is the order established by The Creator that everything that comes from dust, returns to dust. And you mom left those traces that no one can erase from me. Death and time have something in common... and that is that they are very cruel. They don't wait for anyone; they have no compassion and at the least expected moment they stab our hearts. It is impossible to stop thinking about it.

I spend my life wishing time would pass and now I don't want time to pass. Although, now each day passes as if it had a multitude of years ahead of it. Because I'm afraid that day will come when I call you and you don't answer, when I wait for you and don't receive your calls or hear your words. I also want to ask your forgiveness for all the times I have been disobedient, where I failed you as a son. For those times I got mad at you and offended you. It wasn't on purpose, but I'm not making excuses for what happened either. There were only moments where I behaved like a child. I also want you to know that even though we are not so close, I have you in my prayers so that The Creator can fill you with so much peace and health.

I want to see you the rest of my life as a happy person, and above all, I want to see you well. I don't want you to spend the rest of your days thinking that you are on your way to death, but rather that you are on your way to a new beginning. Where there will be no sadness, no injustice, no anguish, or pain.

Mom, I know you hear me, but you don't see me. This distance is something which cuts me into a thousand pieces. Because as the day comes, so does the night. It is impossible that I stop thinking about it.