Is All Lost When You Feel Lost

How do people get lost in the shuffle? That's where so many people are today. It's both a sad and inevitable part of life. People get lost, and rarely does anybody hear their screams.

When you look around, there are so many stories to tell. Thinking about being lost, there are different ways to be lost. And if you've never been lost, you're lucky. If you were, and somebody came to find you, you're even luckier.

For a while now, all has seemed lost. Hope, the future, and being able to be present in life have faded. Doctors not giving me much of a chance at seeing 55, getting laid off in the middle of fighting cancer, and trying to find a new purpose in life have left me feeling lost and aimless. Today's a good example, until I stumble onto something online. It challenged me to change my thoughts on where I am, dying or not.

Being Lost

As I started another Monday, scrolling through social media, emails, and stories about the world, I found a story about a "Lost One." In this case, I know the person and his family. There are so many lost ones in the world, and not enough manpower to get out there and find them. So, I feel for this young man's parents.

A.F. is someone I've known since high school. We were never quote, unquote friends. For the most part, we have always had a cordial or civil relationship. I think he treated me with a level of respect for the position I held in the community. I gave him the respect that a human being was due, and he knew he'd continue to get it until he did something to lose my respect.

Looking back, somewhere along the way, he got very lost. Drugs, gambling, and then what I always thought were mental health issues, plagued him for many years. These things all lead to stealing and other crimes, mostly to support the habits.

Many times, as a Sheriff's Deputy, I would have encounters with A.F. When he wasn't high, he was a decent, remorseful, and pleasant person. And as his missing person page continues to circulate around Facebook, I realize two things. After this long, the reality gets grimmer and grimmer. And in all likelihood, he was lost again.

Getting lost isn't hard to do. A series of bad hits can leave a person lost. There are many ways people get lost.

As I think about A.F. and what's to likely be a terrible ending to his story, I think about mine. Falling into the truth of my situation, and seeing it get harder, I have felt the pangs of it more. Even today, as I got up to take care of a couple of early morning things, I struggled. I'm honestly lost in things.

I have started to become lost in my own little world. It's easy to do when you're world is upside down. It gets worse when even the best of specialists reassure you that you likely have a year or so to live. That was my Wednesday last week, and that's carried over in my mind for the past five days.

This was the same doctor who, at first, thought we could get ten, maybe fifteen years. Then we did genetic testing on the cancer that got me. Everything changed when the results came in, and he learned that it was an extremely aggressive type of cancer.

Seeing Doctor Harb every three months for monitoring, and blood work is a tool to try and fight back. It's something that might help prolong my time. The treatment last year kept me working and enjoying my life. So, as if 2024 wasn't the worst year I have gone through, 2025 came along and changed things for the worse.

In 2025, purpose has become an unyielding struggle. Much of that is because, in my opinion, doctors telling me I'm going to be gone before 55 hit me harder than I knew the first year I was dealing with this. Then, as if Stage IV cancer with a very extensive spread isn't enough to contend with, I get laid off. Unfortunately, it's a permanent lay-off.

Finding purpose in life is hard. It's harder when you are older. And contrary to what will be everyone's opinion, people do get turned down for jobs when they are suffering from a disease, and it's likely because of the disease.

For example, the company I worked for was a subcontractor to one of the biggest companies in a particular field. It was looking for a field service technician in my area to service the other half of their contracts with more local jurisdictions. The systems were the same, except for how they were engineered. Due to the size difference, they are easier to troubleshoot and work on.

Anybody can do the job, but I was already trained, had all the equipment and supplies, and as I was about to interview, the recruiter told me that her boss had cancelled the interview with me. Her boss happened to be the guy who was over the subcontractors, and knew I was basically dying.

I hadn't missed more than a couple of hours on two separate days, and that was while going through the chemotherapy sessions. I had developed great relationships with the sites I was assigned, and when we lost our guy in the NE quadrant, I developed great relationships with those sites. I was now managing half the state when the layoffs happened.

Feeling Lost

Since then, I haven't been able to find anything. And as my physical strength depletes, and I feel the cancer in the bones more and more, I wonder if I'll ever have an opportunity. I could get in a car and go do my job today, if I still had one.

When you lose your purpose, you have lost your way. From there, it's hard not to wonder why you're putting up a fight. You're lost, essentially.

According to the fourth-best prostate specialist in the country, I'll be gone one of these days. But without purpose, with something that makes a man feel productive, I'm already lost.

Things could always be worse! Well, that's true. Considering that one of my classmates from high school has been a missing person for months, and likely has had something insidious happen to him, I could be facing worse. Yes, I'm laid off and struggling, but struggling is still alive. My being lost is different than someone who's been lost.

I haven't been lost yet.