Into the stars

The you who was a strong figure,

The you who was always present,

The you who mattered most,

The you who always cared,

The you who taught right from wrong,

The you who gave love and strength,

The you who had so little but gave your all,

The you who cherished and protected,

The you who taught laughter and happiness

The you who gave so much, yet received so little.

To you who drifted into the stars:

"10,056 hours, 13 months, 59 weeks & 6 days."

Those numbers that I repeated to myself as the days and months passed on slowly. The very numbers that tormented my every being as I continued to fill with guilt.

What guilt you say?

The kind of guilt that eats at your soul every time you remember how shitty of a person you really are.

A guilt that after building up to its breaking point it ends up showing how much of a lie your life turned out to be, a mirage you based your entire identity around was nothing but your full-blown ego hollering back at you.

It's kinda funny in a way, how life kicks you in the ass at times in hopes that you'll realize the wrong before it actually happens. I have such a bad habit of never believing in that gut intuition so things never play out the way I had intended for it to be.

The moment I finally realized how bad it had gotten was when I heard your name come up in someone else's conversation. For the first time in a long time, I had finally noticed how badly I was hurting inside. It took me that long to realize that I actually was never okay to begin with, and I might never be.

Most people talk about their experiences in life and how to overcome the loss of a loved one. And that it'll all be okay in the long run, But they never tell you how emotionally draining it is to constantly be in a time-loop of self regret.

Continuous flashbacks of that night still haunt me to this day. I remember every detail in the back of my mind as if it happened only a few hours prior to now. Nights where I try to lull myself to sleep in hopes that I won't have any dreams, but to no avail I wake up choking on nothing but air. As if to incite me to repent for all my past sins, it eats away a little of my sanity every time.

Once again I'm stuck in a haze. I look back on the past and think towards the future:

Will ever a day come where I'll be free from all this pain?

Will ever a day come where I'll be free from all this sorrow?

How much longer until I can finally close my eyes and no longer feel anything?

How much longer until I'll be completely out of this darkness that currently envelops my entire being.

If there is a god out there, will you hear my pleas?

Second chances:

If such a thing were possible, I would do everything in my power to be able to turn back time and right all the wrongs I've done to you.

If such a thing were possible, I would ask god to take my life in place of yours.

But if I did so.. would you be happier then?

Or would you curse at me for taking away your one chance of freedom?

Freedom from all the pain and suffering you experienced in this life.

Freedom to get away from me.. the one who caused your suffering.

I just want one more chance to be able to hear all the answers to my questions,

One more chance to understand you better.

As I completely pour out all the pent up emotions hidden inside, I begin to realize how much of a fool i've been.

A complete idiot for not realizing that you were the most realest person this world could offer.

Someone who would never ask another to give up their lives to benefit yourself.

You are the most selfless, most honest, and kindest human being. You would have smiled through it all, even through the bad.

You are the light that shines through in hopes of bringing others happiness.

You put aside your own feelings and safety to make sure everyone else is okay, because that is who you are, and that makes you YOU.

Once again,

I find many faults in myself for realizing all of your good qualities after you have gone. And it completely tears me up inside, to have corrupted something so pure and beautiful. So innocent and sweet, so lovely and wonderful..

So if that second chance does come around.

Please don't hate me for not turning back time. Instead, I'll ask that you be reborn in a world where you'll be given all the love and happiness you deserve.

I'll ask that you forget and leave behind all the things that tied you down, and I'll ask that all the bad memories be erased so then that way you can be free from I.

That, would be my last attempt at righting all the wrongs i've done to you.

So to you who suffered from all my wrongdoings,

I pray that nothing but happiness surrounds you, and if there ever does come a time where sadness comes to find you..

I pray that the people who will bring you happiness in your next life will always be right by your side.

-fin