In the End, You are Alone

Have you ever met someone that calls you something that you have worked on so much not to be in your life, that you stop to wonder where you went wrong? Have you ever questioned each step of your recovery to find out, if in fact you are what they said you are? Checking the facts of your conversations, asking others who are close to you and finding out in fact you are not what that person said you are. So why does it hurt so much when they say it? Angry, Mad, that is what he assumed she was, when in reality she was tired of his broken communication and commitment to small things. There is a huge difference between being angry and tired. You see when someone is angry they lash out, they say mean things, they do not listen, they can come across as being selfish or self involved, and they in the end will regret the choices in words, and actions that they put out to the world.

So, here is the scenario, one day he says “Hey are you free tonight?” She stares at her phone, “Yes” she says. Now, the what, and where, doesn’t matter in this situation. They have always had this friendship where she is available and he is busy most of the time, random pop up with “Hey, are you free tonight”. She often thinks this is where she went wrong, making herself available for whenever he was. Though he was the only one she made herself fully available to. She went out and did everything she needed to that day. She asked for a time frame with no reply, the usual. He got back to her as he was leaving or when he was on his way. Sometimes he would give her a time, and she would have to jump right into her vehicle and leave. She got used to these things and made sure she was ready beforehand so she could just jump into her vehicle and go. Let’s go back to the original conversation that day. She asked for a time and was not given one, left on read. As usual, she got herself ready for a time when she assumed he would be available, as the time usually was the same. She waited. An hour went by, she looked back on the text of what the plans were “We can go on one of your dog coffee drives” she often went out later in the night, on drives with her dogs to get coffee, around 9-10pm. So she waited. Another hour went by, it was her usual coffee time. She waited, another hour went by, she felt it in her gut like a freight train, he most likely forgot, or he would be cancelling. No, she thought to herself he’s just a busy guy, he will show. 30 more minutes rolled by.

At this point because of our Covid-19 lockdown she knew all the coffee places in her area would be closed. She tried one night on an emotional drive, where she needed to cry and let out her emotions of always being left behind by friends. She messaged “Hey, are you still coming tonight?” she got the reply “No, Sorry I had to go do something else, I’ll come tomorrow” now, when people see something like this we feel forgotten. She felt hurt, but not angry. How could he just forget? She knew he was busy but it takes 2 seconds to tell someone you changed your plans, and that you are no longer a part of them. She understood that plans change. She explained to him communication of this was all she needed, and that waiting this long was disappointing. He had a different view. She told him that she felt he didn’t have room in his busy life for their friendship, that she felt like she wasn’t important enough to even receive a message that the plans had changed. He took this as she was Angry. She was not, she was starting to see clearly that he did not have the time for a new friendship, they had only been friends for 6 months, so why try and continue and force a friendship when one of the two didn’t have the time for it.

She was disappointed as he was one of the first people in years that she allowed herself to open up to. She didn’t want the friendship to end but knew that the lack of communication and consistency was something she couldn’t handle. When she saw him it was amazing, it was social and fun. She also saw that he had become more and more distant. He shot back things to her like, you don’t understand what's on my plate. No she didn’t, but that wasn’t her fault, she often asked him if he was okay, she often wondered what was on his plate but with no communication how she was supposed to know. Knowing the bare minimum she said to him “I am not angry, I understand that people have things that happen in their lives, she has been the one to take care of older generations of people in her family, while juggling her own three children, her business and other things all at once. She tried to be understanding” He didn’t see it this way, somehow it felt like he took this as an attack. When she finally said what she was feeling “You think I am angry because other women in your life have been that way towards you, and this “I am mad “ or ''I am pushing you away” conversations we have had are reflections of those women, and I am not. I do not feel that you have room in your life for our friendship” That didn’t make her angry or mad at all, what that made her was sad. He read what she had to say and didn’t reply.

The next day she told him, “whenever you are ready to drop off what we have spoken about let me know and I will leave the payment plus some extra for your gas in my mailbox.” She was tired of him not communicating and making her seem like this angry woman that she had worked for years to change. No one else in her circle saw her as being angry anymore, no one but him, therefore he truly didn’t know who she was, or what her intentions were in text when she was trying to be understanding, instead she was angry at him. He replied with “I’m going to leave you alone for a bit and we can make plans when you are less mad at me” The stab to her being was huge, she explained the same things she said before, she felt like she was constantly explaining herself without being listened to, like in one ear and out the other, if he ever took the time to actually read what she had said she didn’t understand anything so she replied “Ok then you let me know when I am no longer angry, but understand if I am no longer around when that day comes” he replied with “So you don’t like my idea then?” She stared at her phone in shock, did he want her to be angry, she didn’t understand. It was like he just didn’t care, that all this stuff about him not wanting to lose her from his life, blah blah, well, sometimes we are pushed out of people's lives, forced to make a choice for ourselves because this wasn’t healthy for her brain anymore. Being told who she is was something that everyone did to her, without listening to understand. She wasn’t angry, she even mentioned if I was angry with you I would be silent. She had said this before, when she gets upset she goes silent for a bit, to collect her thoughts, but will tell the person that she is taking time to think, because we all need this in order not to cause regrets in the words we say.

She wasn’t angry, she cared about communicating and fixing this, but instead even though she explained that communication and consistency was key, he decided for them that communication was cut. She left him alone, she messaged when she would be in the area to see if she could purchase this item from him. He didn’t bother to read it, she then a few days later had to drive through again, because of her physical health issues to pick up something from her doctor, she messaged him to see if she could purchase this item before going somewhere else. He said sure when he is back in the area. She picked up the item, things were not the same. He was very cold, he looked very tired. She thanked him, handed him the money, and cried on her way home. She knew in her heart and mind that this friendship was over. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt her. She finally took the time to open up to someone and he ended up being just like the rest, come in like a hurricane and leave like an ocean wave.