If they had one wish

Motherhood has always been a goal for me. I remember being 5, rocking babydolls like they were real infants, and playing house with my cousins; me being the oldest, I held the honor of being the parent. It wasn't always a game for me, I was the oldest grandchild next to my sister, who was wheelchair bound. I felt an urgency as a child, to help and rarely complain, because I watched the family dynamic around me.

It wasn't the worst of the worse, but it wasn't healthy. It was a constant competition of who was higher in power, not even a good kind, just who made the top dollar or who looked better that day and god forbid, if you weren't part of the elites in that hour, you were gossiped, mocked and branded as the sheep they needed to project onto. To me it wasn't as surreal, as I talk about it now, it sounds ludicrous to call it anything less than abuse. Words can only speak so many graphics before "you'd have to see to understand", became my new closure. Truth is, we don't know what people are dealing with day to day, and from my experience, we only see it one of two ways. Especially after leaving abuse.

You turn into the monsters or you turn against them.

As a child, I always knew I didn't belong there. I knew I was frowned upon, I knew there was something secret within the walls and eventually, the truth would come out, but I always knew. I remember being 11, wanting to skateboard and dress like Avril Lavigne. She gave me a sense of belonging and being understood, where as my family made sure I was humiliated whenever possible. I remember being at my grandmother's house, skateboarding in cargo boy jeans from walmart, and a band tee from goodwill. I had the raccoon eyeliner, black lipstick, black nail polish- what felt comfortable for me. Instead of love and embracing my diversity in the family, I was told I was prettier in pink and without makeup. At 11, I responded with, "If you loved me, you'd love me regardless of what I'm wearing". The petty was appreciated, the boundary I was enforcing, was not.

That was a turning point for me, in my mindset, on being a mother. I knew if I had the chance to be a mother, I was going to make sure my kids could be, dress and feel however they wanted before feeling isolated and targeted in a home, where they should feel peace. For the longest time, I thought I did that, but hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes, the hardest and most needed lessons, are learned in crisis. I played a role, and have accepted and forgave myself for the next decade and a half of my life, after marrying at 19 in 2011. I was blessed with becoming a mom, a wife, a homemaker. I achieved stepping stones I had set out to, with obvious and some, harder osbtacles to counter. Obstacles became patterns and for me, I had a lot of healing to achieve within this darkness.

Personally, I feel like a good portion of my young adulthood and especially motherhood were ripped from me. If it wasn't my health, it was my ex-husband and if it wasn't my ex-husband, it was my crash out from the overwhelming pressure I felt I was under. Religion influenced a lot of my marriage and in my opinion, gave access to more abuse than it solved. My ex-husband pretended he was a dedicated Jehovah Witness, and that religion was the catalyst for my awakening. Simply put, we were taught that men should listen to their wives, but ultimately make final decisions. That works if you're in a healthy, compatible, consenting relationship. This is not how my ex-husband utilized these teachings. Sex became leverage, the chidren became leverage, money, my home, career opportunities- it was an avalanche of obstacles. I was being told forgiveness is key, marriage is hard, love is hard and God gives his strongest soldiers, the toughest battles.

I became almost obsessed with living in Gods word, because I had something to look forward to, in my eyes. I had this amazing life and the abuse would stop as soon as this evil world came to a close and of course, we're being encouraged to live like Jesus, so be peaceful and turn the other cheek! They don't prepare you for the true, atrocious ideas this gives someone who already thirsts, demands and TAKES control. What they don't want to add to this teaching, is that Jesus also went and sat with sinners. He washed the feet of the poor and showed love to all shades, genres and lives. He raised chaos, inside of a church, that was taking advantage of all of those beautiful souls; and yet, I'm to submit to a man who discards me like trash, every other Tuesday, and begs for me back Thursday morning. I was brainwashed.

The eye opener for me came another wishful event. He was begging, pleading and I was repeating. The same thing over and over and over. Then it replayed in my head, over and over and over. I watched myself at 20 having my babygirl, ready for her to see true love and live a childhood I never got to experience. I remembered our baby boy and all the stress that had been conducted in that pregnancy, including homelessness, because we just were never enough to provide for. I had been so excited, he was going to have a role model of what a man should be. I was young, I was naive and I was hopeful for what I could bring into my life, discernment was never a thought and I thought butterflies lasted forever. I knew then, it was time to cut the rope I was continuing to strangle myself with. It became the epitome of me taking back my life and restoring a stable future for my children.

By the time I was truly ready to leave, I had lost 12 years. My daughter was 10, my son 8, and they had seen, heard and experienced what I was trying to avoid. Looking back, again 20/20 vision, if I had just left that day; the day he stonewalled me all day and made me cry, maybe I could have prevented this, but I wouldn't have my children, and it's a thought I never consider twice.

I came across a Tiktok recently, a trend where the children can choose whether to walk through a door, giving their a parent a chance of a life without pain and them just, never existing. I stopped on that video and just pondered. Not on whether or not my kids would do it, not on whether or not my parents deserved it; but the hurt in my heart, to know our children see our pain in ways we don't and would walk a threshold, giving up any experience they may enjoy, just to avoid having their parent in pain. It was heartbreaking.

My fiance has a beautiful way of speaking and we talk in depth of many things, but one has always been, that you don't know true love until you're a parent. I believe that, wholeheartedly. My life would not be the same, in my opinion not even a fraction as grand, without my babies. These three have saved me in ways, they don't even understand, nor need to.

To my babies, my heart, my world; if this thought has or ever would have, even if never, popped in your mind; I want you to know, that without you, I had no life. Your presence changed my entire perception, giving me a reason to live, to fight, to win. I would endure the pain again and again, if it meant the endgame was having you and watching you succeed in everything you want. Reach every cloud, because it's possible. Grab every star, because you are capable.