I went on Bumble so you don’t have to

If you talk to anyone between ages 20 and 40 anywhere in the US, if not the world, they will tell you the same thing - modern dating is horrifying. Why? Where do I start...

I moved to Austin about six months ago. I - a twenty-seven-year-old widow - in a new city, which currently seems to be the capital of young and hot people. Needless to say, I’ve been having fun. Just a different type of fun than I expected.

Keep in mind that I did lose my husband just about two years ago and I am still dealing with the emotional trauma of the love of my life dying unexpectedly on his way home. But shockingly, even with all my trauma I am more emotionally available than most men in the city of Austin.

I started with the apps… don’t we all? I realized I had two main types to choose from: the “I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with” type and the “I can’t bother to have feelings for anyone right now” type. What really surprised me was the third option - the men who looked for both at the same time.

Since I had already found a person to spend the rest of my life with and he ditched me, I decided to go with the latter - the noncommittal type. What I quickly found out was that not only they couldn’t commit to a lifetime with me (which was perfectly fine) but they also couldn’t commit to a date either. “Hanging out” - sure! A proper date requiring leaving their bedroom? - not really. So far I’ve been invited over to somebody’s place to “hang out” or “play board games” more times than actually asked out.

Where did the chivalry go? Are we over the cute dates, the butterflies every time they text us, or the anticipation of a first kiss? Is asking for a dinner or at least for a freaking drink too much? We don’t have to get married… just make me feel something. Make me smile, make me giddy, make me want to take my clothes off for you. Otherwise, sex is nothing more than a workout, purely physical. I might as well just go for a run and avoid the awkwardness of meeting someone new.

But then… being a woman in Austin feels like being a kid in a candy store. Shirtless guys running around anywhere you go (literally). Oh, and they’re charming. They know exactly what they’re doing and how to get your interest. They casually add you on Instagram (getting your phone number would be way too committal!) and before you know it, you find yourself scrolling through the people who viewed your stories just to see if they did. Not because you’re interested in them, but because the lack of actual dates leaves you way too excited about any kind of attention.

While you may not be able to get a date in Austin, you might get yourself a “friend with benefits”. It’s quite easy… you just have to sleep with another person without catching feelings. If you do, don’t mention them unless you want to ruin everything. No one wants to “date” people with feelings these days.

If you find yourself saying “She/he treats me like his girlfriend/boyfriend BUT…”, then congratulations! You are in a so-called “situationship”. It’s just like a relationship but they have no interest in committing to you. I’m sure they have plenty of reasons why they can’t do so but the real reason is… they’re just not that into you. At least not enough to call themselves your partner.

I asked on Instagram how my friends felt about dating in Austin and everyone agreed it was extremely discouraging. My favorite comment was “Bunch of Peter Pans afraid of growing up or commitment. The older they are the worse it gets.”

In all seriousness, we all love to complain about how horrible dating is these days but we are a part of the problem - at least, I know I am. I have commitment issues (see the dead husband part) but at the same time, I would love to have a Hallmark-like situation just magically happen to me. I love the idea of dating, but I don’t really want to do it in real life. And yes, a part of me loves being young and somehow single (are widows ever really single?) in a big city with no obligations or commitments to other people. I think all millennials would agree - being a grown up is scary and kind of sucks. We look at our parents and we don't want that life. In some way, we are all just a bunch of Peter Pans. And I'm not gonna lie, I kind of enjoy it.

However, if you identify yourself as a Peter Pan... please let others know. There's nothing worse than getting somebody's hopes up while you have no intention of being with them. We are better than that, no sneaky intentions, let's be honest. Don't interrupt, let the people who are looking for love find it.

*This article was written from a personal experience. I had fun writing it and did not mean to offend anyone. One's experience is not necessarily your experience and that's okay! Feel free to write about yours :)*