I Was Raped...

I was constantly forced to relive every single violent moment as a memory of what happened to me. Remembering how time had frozen like the lake in the camping trail. The blackness of intrusive eyes burning through mine into the base of my skull. Sweaty, slimy hands, long fingers and nails, grabbing and groping at my helpless flesh. No amount of showering and bathing could help me erase the disgusting stench of my skin. The grimy, clammy hands that violated my body could still be felt upon my skin and the nightmares that followed would not let me forget.

To forget would mean having to destroy myself and then feel nothing at all. I had thought of returning alone to the frozen lake and how it would feel to plunge beneath its icy depths and let go.

Just to feel anything other than would I had felt now. The core of my stomach ached and burned, between my thighs raw and sore. The tears seemed to never stop flowing from my eyes and knowing that possibly no one would believe what happened to me because they was not there and all my life I was nothing but the wall flower girl...

Invisible to everyone's eyes but his who I now hated, and my words always fell upon deaf ears. No one wanted to hear what I had to say, ever. I'm just the wall flower girl. Maybe if I was prettier, fairer, or thinner. Could I possibly then have people care about what happened that day. Possibly. My fingers constantly yearned to peel back the layers of what was reality, of what my life was, to erase what happened. The thought of no one being there for me through this or anything is what hurt the most. My feelings and trauma will forever be invalidated. The shell of that person I'd thought I once was never even existed. I'm just the lonely wall flower girl, the girl without a voice...

The days seemed to drag by. Hour after hour lugged by and I floated like a phantom through each passing day. My lips chapped and cracked and throat tight and dry from not drinking enough water nor eating or speaking. Thoughts of the frozen lake revisted me every night. I would curl up in a tight ball and wonder if there was anyone at all that would notice I was gone... like my family...

My rapist had unfortunately planted his seed within my womb and I longed to somehow make it disappear from inside of me. I could feel it growing inside of me each day and I became even more depressed with each of the passing days. It was my body, and I possessed the power to destroy that seed but I somehow managed to also possess feelings of guilt and sadness at the same time , oddly enough, If I went through with it.... I decided to keep it.

I chose love over pain. I then knew what I had to do. I opened up and told my family what happened and they believed me although I thought they wouldn't. They helped me take legal action against my attacker and after a long hard fight, he was put away. I feared he would find me soon after his release and my anxiety flared more than ever. I was afraid to travel anywhere alone now, but I was happy to have my family closer to me and supporting me through my pregnancy.

My journey has been a never-ending mine field of unfortunate experiences and events but slowly, I am finding the courage to fulfill my purpose here on Earth. I am finding the courage to love the life I carried for 9 months. Nurture my little life and teach her the things I was taught growing up and more. My journey is not finished here, but knowing my little one will be with me every step of the way is what counts now. I have finally broken the shell of who I once was and who I had begun to be. Good bye my fellow wall flower girl, you are now a sunflower.