I'm Tired of Always Being The One Who Start Everything

You know that feeling when you're always the one who has to start the conversation? Always the one who checks in first, who asks how someone's doing, who sends the first message. Yeah, that's me. That has been my reality for as long as I can remember.

And you know what make it worse? When I stop trying, when I go quiet, everything around me goes quiet too. When I stop messaging, no one asks where am I. When I stop checking in, no one wonders if I'm okay. My presence seems to only exist if I constantly remind people I'm there. And that feeling, it eats you up inside. It makes you question your worth, even when you try so hard to brush it off.

I tried slowing down my replies. I told myself not to be too available. People say, "Don't reply so fast, people get bored." But it didn't change anything. whether I reply fast or slow, it's always the same. Conversation dry up unless I'm the one pouring energy into them. I realized people don't care I show up. And maybe that's what stings the most.

I see people around me always having conversations, friends who chat all the time, people who are wanted. Meanwhile, I open my phone and there's nothing. No massages. No notifications. And if there is something, it's usually me starting it. It's exhausting to be the only person who tries to make connections work.

I've tried everything. I downloaded countless apps, joined group chats, tried random conversation starters. People told me to be more active, to open up more, to reach out. i did all of that, and every time it ended the same way with me feeling invisible. I felt like no matter how hardd I tried, I was cursed to be forgotten, to be ignored unless I made the fisrt move.

Honestly, it's exhausthing.

It makes you feel like you don't matter unless you're always chasing after people. I don't want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. All I want is to experience what it feels like to be wanted. To wake up to a massage saying, "Good morning." To have someone ask, "How are you today?" Without me initiating the conversation. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe it is. Maybe it's weak. But I'm tired of pretending it doesn't hurt. I'm tired of acting like it's fine. Because it's not. Always giving more than you receive breaks something inside you, piece by piece.

All I've ever wanted was to feel important without having to beg for attention. I wanted to be valued, to be appreciated for who I am without putting on a show just to be noticed.

But maybe it's time to change. Maybe it's okay to step back. Maybe it's okay to stop chasing people who don't care enough to chase back. Maybe it's time to save my energy for myself, to stop wasting it on people who don't even see me.

One day I'll meet people who will text me first. Who will care without me having to prove anyting. Until then, I'll learn to enjoy my own company. I'll learn to be comfortable in silence. I'll learn to love myself enough to stop chasing what drains me. And when the right people come, I'll recognize them, because they won't need me to start everything first.

Maybe it will take time. Maybe I'll feel lonely sometimes. But I will remind myself every day that I deserve people who genuinely want me in their life. No more chasing, no more begging. I'll focus on my happiness, and the right people will naturally stay.

I'll be okay. Not because someone made me feel that way, but because I decided I was enough all along.