I’m sorry Mommy

Your Mother’s Day has been ripped apart and I will never know how to mend your heart. The secret hell that I was living in now considers you a friend. There are so many things I wish I said before that day. I never wanted you to find out that way. I always will hope and wish for our life to never be like this.

I kept my secret to hidden in for many years pretending like it was never there. I planned to carry it with me through out my life and never utter a word no matter the price. It felt so wrong every time I would say, “no one has touched me in that way.” I would have carried on in this delusional state but you walked in on that horrible day.

I wish you didn’t have to see what was happening between Z and Me. I wish you didn’t have to smell the fear that was heavy within the air. I wish you didn’t have to hear the details of what happens when your not there. I wish you didn’t have to taste the bitterness of losing faith. I wish you didn’t have to feel the shock of it happening for all these years.

Are there times when you look at me do you still see that day? The day that took your perfect daughter away? When I look into your eyes I can see the pity that you have inside. Your grief outshines any pride that is real. I hope that time helps heal the pain that you don’t need to feel.

I hope you know how much I thank you for saving me and taking me far away to deal with the grave reality. I’ll never forget you holding me while I screamed and kicked in my anxiety. Depression maintained a constant friend that almost took me to a bitter end. I remember a moment when you washed my face while I battled with demons in another place. It took small steps that paved my way to find my strength and brighter days.

I need you to stop feeling bad for me or for what you think my life could be. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been and given a choice I would do the whole thing all over again. (As long as the outcomes were the same). Each step I made has lead me here and my heart is full despite my fears. I have mastered forgiveness, resilience, and compassion too. Every one of these traits I have learned from you.

This day destroyed everything that you once knew and turned it into a horrible deja vu. It will always remind you of a time and make you want to hit rewind. Hindsight’s is hard that much is true but I hope you know I never really blamed you. The unconditional love you’ve given me is far more than I could ever see. It fed my strength and powered my soul, it’s the only thing that kept me whole.

My dream is that you come to see that it was all how it was meant to be. I’ve moved on that much is true but I don’t know if I can stay the same for you. I can see the weight you carry from past and it wish that you felt relief at last. There is so much more than that horrendous day and I pray you to see the brighter days. Unfortunately; All of these things I can’t say to you, so I guess this letter is now a secret too.