I’m Not Afraid of Dying - Are You?
Today is my birthday – Yippee-ki-yay!
I guess most people approach their birthday with joy and excitement. A time to celebrate and share time with family, loved ones, or friends.
For me, it has seldom been this way, and this year, more than ever, I want today to be over. Yes, it is my birthday, and I am also closer to seventy than I was in any other year.
So why such a glum approach?
It is not a play for sympathy; rather, a hallelujah moment I woke up to.
Just like every other morning in my groundhog lifestyle, I woke with the sun. Normally, I would be up straight away and take my two little dogs for their walk. Creatures of habit just like me, they are consistent. Today, however, it was pouring with rain when we woke up.
I actually love walking in the rain. There is something quite cathartic about it. My two little girls don’t share my thoughts. They hate it.
I thought it was my birthday; I was going to make a cup of tea, sit in bed, and watch the rain fall over the ocean; big mistake!
The trouble is that when you do things like that, which are out of the ordinary pattern, it invites change. I started thinking about what an exciting day I didn’t have to look forward to. No family, no friends, just my two little buddies.
All my family and friends live on the other side of the country. I left them all to come back to Perth for my wife, who was born and bred in Perth. Being away for 11 years, she was getting homesick for Perth. She became very ill, and I became her carer. Less than a year ago, we were separated.
One thing led to another. Soon, I found myself living like a hermit. I rarely went out and was happy just staying home, watching the days pass. It is not so much a fire as an existence. I am not blaming anyone; it is my own doing.
As I looked out on the dreary day, my eyes started to lose focus. I only have one good eye. My right eye has been blind since birth. After three laser surgeries for retinal tears, it is now cloudy and has poor vision. Its sole purpose is to make me look balanced and healthy like a normal human being.
Three weeks ago, I had two rounds of laser surgery in my left eye for the same problem. Although I have been reassured that it will improve, my vision is not what it was before the tear. It affects my favourite pastime, which is to write. I started thinking I could not bear to go blind.
I think going blind after seeing all your life would seem like a cruel twist of fate. It would be worse than never having had vision at all.
I then had to admit that I was not getting any younger. It seemed that in the last 3-4 years, things had been deteriorating quickly. Two prostate operations, a blood cancer diagnosis, a liver condition, COVID, eight weeks in plaster, and now an eye issue.
Then it happened. My eyes filled with tears as I saw my two little girls curled up on the bed. I realized, "I'm not afraid of dying."
I am not saying I want to die. The only thing I worry about is my two girls. I want to make sure they are taken care of. I also hope there’s enough to help my ex-wife recover.
It was a sobering thought. There is not so much in my life that I would miss, except for them.
I watched my father fade away to a life where he had to have everything done for him. Towards the end, it was not a life; it was an existence at best. My mother, who is 93, ironically is now almost clinically blind in a retirement home and has lost her zest for life.
I told myself I never wanted to be in that situation, waiting for God. My life is not that fulfilling that I want to hang on with every fibre for grim death to live it out completely.
No, I am not afraid of dying, so tonight I am going to cook myself a grand dinner and share it with my two little friends. I will have a bottle of wine and hopefully fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a new day. Probably just like every other day, but it will be 355 days before I have to face another birthday, assuming I make it.
I feel better getting that off my chest. There are many, many more people who are far worse off than me. I understand and appreciate that. But, as I lay in my bed, they were not there with me, so these were just my thoughts, no one else's.
It doesn’t change anything, but that is the power of writing. To let it all out.
Till next time,
Calvin
About the Creator
Calvin London
I write fiction, non-fiction and poetry about all things weird and wonderful, past and present. Life is full of different things to spark your imagination. All you have to do is embrace it - join me on my journey.
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More stories from Calvin London and writers in Confessions and other communities.
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Word of the Day: 発展
I am pretty taken down right now. I have Jahon over, he is sleeping in the bed. I am sort of waiting until tomorrow when he as to "work" to break up with him again. Also it is kind of crazy but Nam and Garth both sort of awoken from somewhere and are all of a sudden asking me how I feel and such. I am taking my chances with them rather than this psychopath any longer. I just, feel like there is nothing there. Yes maybe we care for each other and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But, I can't take the karma and punishment of his crimes any longer.
By Kayla McIntosh2 days ago in Confessions
Comments (19)
You know, there is always someone worse off - but that doesn’t diminish one’s issues. It’s ok to vent every now and then. The eye problem is worrisome but with words in your head, a voice can get them down if one can’t see. Poor Mom. Poor wife and hurray for you for caring for them!! A star in the world. 🤩
Calvin, your honesty in this piece is deeply moving. You put words to feelings so many quietly carry. I hope today brought you at least one small moment of peace you deserve that much and more.
I just published a new story on Vocal Media and would love your thoughts. If you have a few minutes, could you give it a read? Your support means a lot!”
I believe birthdays per se are a silly thing to celebrate since society consistently reminds us that there is nothing good r glamorous about getting older. What I do is celebrate the joy that my existence brings to others. :D I have instructed my family and some friends in that kind of thinking as well so if they wish, they can send me a message telling me that day they are celebrating the joy that my existence brings them. There is no mention of "birthday" and if they don't remember it's fine with me. Sometimes I don't even remember. That keeps me in a state of 'feeling the same' and I don't count what number corresponds to that year and I am not interested in remembering that. I promise you, it feels much better that way. That also happens in October. The less you think about it the better you feel. I notice good part of your thoughts on the day were about your wife. :) So, I will just say here that perhaps you should think about what I said on the bear story a moment ago. It's less than a year ago, you say? Much better. Make it happen. I am pretty sure that will make two hearts happy again.
Only the second story I've read and I love it! I'm 50 but I have been through a lot in life that has led me to not fear death either. I get it.
Well deserved Top Story… I trust it was cathartic sharing your challenges and situation, certainly tough times. Don’t let your vision impairment make you give up writing… there are various computing assistive technology to help.
This was such a deeply moving read, Calvin. There’s quiet strength in the way you face life’s fragility with honesty and grace. Your reflections aren’t dark—they’re profoundly human. Thank you for sharing something so raw, real, and beautifully written.
You write beautifully. I have no doubt your truth helps others. You have a friend here, and I've subscribed.
There’s a quiet power in your words — they don’t scream, they just stay and heal. HAPPPY BIRTHDAY
Your story was amazing, can I tell you my ideas for it?
Happy belated Birthday, Calvin! I’m sure there are many people who will miss you when you are gone. So hang in there. Is moving back to be closer to your family not an option?
yes, who loves to die?
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Happy belated birthday 🎂 I'm glad you're alive! I'm also glad you have your girls for company. I resonate a lot with this. I'm not 70, but faced mortality when becoming pregnant with my first daughter and simultaneously being diagnosed with cancer. The cancer is gone (to my knowledge) but I now have liver issues as well as 27 kidney stones and a heart issue 😬 I'm not afraid of dying... But I am worried about my kids when I am gone. Isn't it funny how even when we are told all these bad things about ourself and our health, the first thing we think of is whether or not the people we love and care about will be ok? Wishing you all the best and sending good healing and happy vibes your way! Also, congrats on your top story! 👏👏
Wow!. Sorry, I missed your birthday! Happy birthday, Calvin🎂🍨🎁🎉🎈🥳 I'm older than you and have no plans of going anywhere just yet. I have too many things left to do!😉We never know what is right around the corner for us either! You are in my prayers, Calvin!❤️
Happy birthday and lots of things to ponder. I'm a similar age and the only that bothers me about dying is the effect it will have on others. Some people seem to have issues about getting older, but to me it is a privilege. Excellent work
No one likes the unknown...that is the scary part. Happy birthday...but who is counting. Enjoy the life you have now.
Happy Birthday 🎂✨️❤️ I hope you have a good time with dinner with your two girls. If you don't mind me asking, may I know who are they? Cats? Dogs?
Truely amazing story. I am very frightened of death yes. ♦️♦️♦️♦️