I'm Gonna Need A Drink

Working in customer service is hard. You have to bite your tongue till it bleeds, and then keep quiet when it hurts. People think they can treat you like trash instead of human beings. Some of the worst come from the happy looking individuals. They deceive you with a pretty smile and bright demeanor. However, they are hiding weapons behind their back. The worst comes when we get hurt or frustrated and express it. Then they want to act like we are the problem. I try not to hate my life, but it is always there.

The dread that makes my stomach hurt. The pain that I can't quit or lose everything.

I feel like I'm trapped. There is no end in sight and the pain only gets worse. Trapped in a cycle of abuse that others wouldn't want done to them, but they will gladly dish out without a second thought. The world we live in is broken. No more does the golden rule apply that we learned as kids. Now we live in a dog eat dog world, and the weak don't survive.

I'm fighting, but the wound is torn open. My mind is breaking day by day on this crazy carousel ride. I have hopes and dreams, but I am wondering when they will come true. Some days they seem so close I can practically touch them. But then, other days they seem like they are in a whole other world.

I am praying this is the start of new season for me. A season that will bring joy and happiness back to my life. I'm writing again. Something I have not done for a while, and it gives me the release I need. A place to escape my reality for a moment and breath. I'm starting to realize I can't go on like I have been forever. I have to get off the merry-go-round of life and start living for myself a little. My family deserves for me to be happy and thriving. I want to thrive.

So I will paint on my plastic smile, pick up my big girl pants and trudge forward again. Tired of the daily grind I will fight until my dreams come true.

I have many dreams, but I will finish my book and publish it. I will build my skills as a writer. Then use those skills to create for myself a better world. One where I get to spend time with my family instead of being in a office all day. A life where I don't have to paint on a fake smile because it will be real.

I want so much from this life. I don't want to waste it anymore being yelled at, cursed at, and kicked around. I want to smile and be happy. I could hardly care about money, fame or glory. I just want my family to know I lived a good life and did not regret it. It's time I stopped being to considerate of others and started being a little selfish. I want to follow my own dream and stop supporting the weight of every one else's burdens.

From this day forward I will do what is best for me. Today I need a drink to get through, and I may need that drink to survive the foreseeable future. But I refuse to let my now define my future. I will not regret not trying to make my life better, I will not stop fighting for what I deserve, and I will work to never treat others how I have been treated.