I'm choosing out

I have questions.

The WHY ones.

Dozens and dozens of them. My mind is full and I cant even write on the blank pages anymore though I feel I should. I have tried though, but instead of losing my wordings into those little chunks of lifeless pages and pour life to it, I lost my mind instead. I lost everything. I lost my stability and rolled myself to the mud but thanks I am not mad.

I have thought of better ways to escape my very unsatisfactory foggy thoughts and maybe find my Calvary rescue in God's safe arms. Home at last as they say, but all I get is fractured imagination. A feeling of a dimming shimmer in my world. I sometimes feel a dense soaking heartache and splashing sadness taking turns and spraying on my face like a bunch of choking gases. I cant even breathe good anymore, it is what I can feel but that is okay. It is okay not to be okay sometimes. You must have known that already and if not, that is still okay. That is what I can best spell at the moment, that I am fine, though I deeply know I am trying to be.

I have been into fights. Bloody ones that bled me and farted out my unique purpose and meaning. It is in these fights is when I realized I lost me trying to snatch me from fire. I cant zero out God, that one NO. He said in His word that I should call and He will answer, knock and He will open the door for me. I do not know for how long I have spent on His door by now. I have stepped in His corridors with mud in my feet, every mornings and nights. I am like a disaster trouble maker by complaining at every little thing until I am looking like a fool sometimes. I was still knocking until I got tired and started banging but still I am not so sure if I should bang more or stop, but I know I should not...till the door will be opened. Finally.

I am God's next door neighbor playing loud sad songs on Christmas eve. I cannot stop especially when latest hits of depressions and sagginess rock and rolls my heart with fear and pain. By now you must have noticed I am a wrecking ball in stormy winds that cannot be stopped by chunks of flair. I cant keep my mouth shut, because I have something like a ballooning effect energy inside of me screaming for exposure. I do not know how I got that energy but at least it balances my frustrations with fairness. A pressure with nothing.

It's been 7 clean months of moving on.

Moving on is a pandemic, disaster is its surname, you want things to take turns within a flick of a finger. I am not so sure if we are scrambling the same train, what I just know is that it has bred positive results in a rollercoaster of emotions. There is nothing as clean as slate in the writing arena. My life is a story and every chapter is a must read.

Let me take you back to west side, where it all started.

I do not really know how to say Heart break so energetically without feeling a lump under my gut. Well it does not matter I went through it anyway. A pilgrimage this journey. I wish I had a different past other than being turned down by the one I honestly loved. It is easier said than done to walk away and forget everything, it is what people can say but I just cant. Not that quick. If you know, then you know.

When I remember the day she told me she does not feel anything for me, or maybe she didn't after 2 years of open hearts to each other, I felt I died several times before my real death. I wish we had fought or called each other names, I wish she had found me with another flower by the left hand, I wish I had behaved with an unmerited mind of an immature person. But I didn't.

Like a road trip on a dirt road, I feel I have been that, used and exploited. Emotional wrangles are so painful to deal with, it seems like a real loss of a loved one. The only difference is that the 'dead person' is fully alive and you keep meeting them and seeing them. Sometimes so happy, sometimes with a flower on their right hand and you often ask yourself where they must have plucked it from. That soon. I have questions! Like these or I used to have whichever way.

Men do not cry. These weirdo wise-men musings are a joke. More so when you know magical and deranging every experience can feel.

I would have loved a different ending but my story is not ended. This is just a part of my chapter and it does not need to be interesting. Life has hills and valleys and I am learning that. Am learning to dance in the rains and taking every trip a lesson. Do you know what hurts the most? Falling down and staying there.

I am giving up every pain and turmoil and I choose to be happy instead. I can gladly say it has worked and it really does. I do not have a closure but that is fine, in fact I don't need it anymore. I am ok. Out of the mess.

Out of This tough ground.

Out of everything I was through.

I'm choosing out.