I'm 47 and My Eyesight is a Threat To Society In Active Rebellion

I’m 47 Years Old and My Eyesight Is A Threat to Society in Active Rebellion

Let me tell you something about my eyesight.

It is not declining quietly.
It is not fading gracefully.
It is acting out.

I am 47 years old and my eyes have decided they are no longer interested in teamwork.

I own at least 17 pairs of glasses. Seventeen. Maybe more. I’ve lost count which honestly tracks, given the topic.

Now mind you, my favorite color is turquoise. Always has been. So of course my favorite pair of glasses are turquoise Tiffany frames that cost me almost $600 goddamn dollars, because yes, I will pay for aesthetics even if they betray me later.

So one day, I take my precious turquoise glasses off and put them on my bed.

On. My. Bed.

And then they disappear.

I am standing in my bedroom, staring at my bed, KNOWING my glasses are somewhere on that bed… and I cannot see them.

Why?

Because the frames BLEND IN with my bedding.

I spend 45 minutes to an hour patting down my own bed like I’m searching for contraband, all because I cannot see the very thing I need in order to see.

This is disrespectful.



Glasses Are No Longer Accessories — They Are Stashed Around the House

When I was younger, glasses stayed on my face.
All day.
No issues.

Now?

I have glasses strategically placed throughout my house like emergency supplies.

One pair in the living room.
One pair in the bedroom.
One pair in the bathroom.
One pair near the door.

Why?

Because I never know what kind of vision I’m going to need in any given moment.

Distance?
Reading?
Phone scrolling?
Driving at night during the apocalypse?

It’s all different now.


Watching TV Is a Multi-Step Operation

Let’s talk about television.

I can no longer watch TV like a normal person.

If I’m watching from far away, glasses ON.
If I’m watching up close, glasses OFF.

If I’m watching TV AND scrolling my phone?

Baby. We are in experimental territory.

I’m lifting my glasses up like an old man reading a menu.

Sometimes I forget I’ve pushed them up and I’m just walking around the house half-blind, squinting at everything like I don’t trust it.


The Phone Screen Betrayal

Looking at my phone is its own journey.

With glasses on, the screen is too close.
Without glasses, the world disappears.

So now I’m constantly doing this little glasses dance:
• on
• off
• up
• down

I look ridiculous.

If someone were to watch me, they’d think I was performing a very specific, very confused form of interpretive dance.



Night Driving Is a Sci-Fi Movie I Did Not Consent To

Driving at night?

Oh no.

The glare.

THE GLARE.

Streetlights look like portals.
Headlights look like UFOs.
Traffic lights look like alien signals.

I’m driving squinting like: “Is that a car… or the end of days?”

I’m convinced aliens are coming, because there is no reason lights should be doing all this.

I know it’s my eyes.

But still.

Suspicious.




The Real Problem: I Can’t FIND My Glasses Without My Glasses

This is the real insult.

The very thing I need to see…
I cannot see without it.

I’ve checked my head.
My pockets.
The fridge (don’t ask).

Only to realize the glasses were RIGHT THERE the whole time.

Just invisible.

Like my patience.

So What’s Happening?

I don’t know.

Is it age?
Hormones?
Perimenopause?
Stress?
Weed?
All of the above in a trench coat?

Probably.

What I do know is that my eyes are freelancing now.
They do what they want.
When they want.

And I am just along for the ride.




Final Thoughts From a 47-Year-Old With Vision Issues and Taste

If you see me squinting at something, give me a minute.

If I say “hold on, let me get my other glasses,” don’t judge.

If I can’t find my glasses but I know they’re nearby?

Pray for me.

Because my eyesight is no longer something I control.

It’s a lifestyle.