I Have Sex With Pirates and Slaughter Zombies!

I’ve been a lucid dreamer all my life. The worst one I have ever had occurred the night after a trip to the dentist …

I was back in the surgery, waiting for my face to numb after a local anaesthetic, then for some unknown reason I found myself unable to open my mouth.

Suddenly, my face started expanding as though being pumped full of air and the dentist started manically revving his drill. I tried to scream for help, but my words wouldn't form and my head continued expanding like a balloon!

Fortunately, just before my head exploded I woke up covered in sweat. I will never forget this dream!

Sometimes I have multiple lucid dreams in one night. People say you should write them down to remember. But I seem to remember them so vividly, I rarely need to.

So here is an example of a typical nights dreaming for me. While this was two weeks ago, I can still remember them in perfect detail …

In the first dream, I was walking around the town where I used to live and the streets were full of zombies. They were made completely of brown canvas, like the material used for potato sacks, and their eyes and mouths were sewn up with black thread.

As they approached me ready to attack, I would stab them in the torso with a big steel sword I was holding. Every time the sword went in I could hear their canvas bodies tearing. I remember thinking I didn’t want to kill them, but they just kept coming. So I just kept killing them over and over until I woke up.

Pretty intense, huh? But trust me when I say this is just a normal nights dreaming. When I eventually got back to sleep again, this is what happened next …

I was inside the cabin of a huge pirate ship looking out at lots of people on deck. They all seem to be having a good time and dancing around. It was at this point I realised I was on a holiday pleasure ship, like the ones people party on in the Caribbean.

I wanted to go out and join the party, but was desperate for a drink due to the heat. I looked around the cabin and there were lots of single beds all lined up, all with rucksacks full of bottled water next to them.

I suddenly realised I hadn’t brought any water on board, so I decided my best option was to pinch someone else’s (how dishonest!)

When I looked out of the window to make sure no-one was looking, a cannon on deck puffed out a couple of iron balls with a trail of white smoke!

Taking a swig of water from an unsuspecting tourists water bottle, I hid it under my bed. I remember feeling incredibly paranoid about this, like the way I felt the first time I tried LSD in my teens!

As I went out on deck, everyone was lying on sunbeds and a pirate show was starting. As I lay down too, a beautiful women dressed up in full pirate regalia stood over me and pointed her sword towards my chest.

She looked me sternly and mouthed ‘just you wait,’ then backed away and started performing her show.

Unfortunately at this point I woke up. It’s always the best dreams that never seem to last quite as much as you want them to!

‘Just you wait,’ she said … for what exactly? I guess she was either going to shag me or stab me.

But knowing my luck, it would have been the latter!

Thanks for reading

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Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/i-have-sex-with-pirates-and-slaughter-zombies-f99c9b231eac