I don't say this enough...

Mama,

There is an entire world about me you know and one you don’t. The one you currently know is a buss full of beautiful entangles and ugly depths I wish I never let you see. You got to see them all anyway and without judgement even when you were angry, I still knew I was your daughter. The world that is well and alive that isn’t in your site lingers with me every single day. You see mama I have always been strong even when the pain, weakness and feeling of burden carried me. I can’t comprehend or fathom a world where you don’t exist with me here in this form. I never told you this or even admitted it out loud, but I am petrified of not having you here. I know what you’re thinking, I’m crazy. I sound insane to you because you’re the healthiest human being I know and regardless of that fact, I know one day you won’t be here for me to hold. As much as we both are firm proud believers of the afterlife where your soul carries on, this doesn’t eliminate my fear. No matter how in tune I am with people who have already moved on I’m mortified that I won’t be able to be in tune with you. Needless to say, the world you don’t know about me is the existence of fear that I hide in the world you do know.

I don’t say this enough, but I love you mama.

Mama you better not start crying like me right now, because if we’re both crying it will never stop. Speaking of crying I did more than my fair share when I was younger, especially at the age of 13. You might not remember this, and I won’t blame you if you don’t, I came into your room and told you I was participating in self harm through cutting. You were already upset about some else, so me and my horrible timing decided to tell you anyways. I had told you I did it, like I had just done hard core drugs. I said it was stupid and I wasn’t going to do it again, but our interaction about this was so short I didn’t get to tell you why I would never do it again. Besides the fact that I’m far from stupid, you were the reason. As much as I felt like the world would’ve been a brighter place without me in it, I realized I was just as much your hero as you were mine. The voice in my head or up above made it very clear you’re going to need me one day just as much as I need you. Now being 23 and looking back I’m pretty happy I never got the chance to tell why I’ll never do that again. Could you imagine little 13-year-old me saying “mom you’re going to need me one day”. I wasn’t trouble for you, I was troubling myself, intern that troubled you and vise-versa.

I don’t say this enough, but I love you mama.

Besides all the crying and the bull that would take place in my life that you actually knew about. There is one tiny little thing that I definitely spun the truth on. Now I’ve never been the one for violence or lying but this time I was. At the end of grade 10 this rumour went around about me, now I didn’t have a problem with that, not until somebody decided to bring you into the conversation. I never told you this because I already knew you were thinking I was crazy, yes, we’ve already established that. As far as you knew I confronted the girl who started it, she cried, and I told you it was because she was scared of me. What I neglected to tell you was I never confronted her on the rumour she started about me, I only came at her with anger because of what she said of you. I will always be the one to protect your name especially when a stranger has something to say, even if that means I get suspended for a week and i don't tell you about it. Even if because of that confrontation I ended up putting my hand through the dry wall at school. Did they suspend me because I frighten the girl or because I put a hole in their wall? I guess we’ll never know. I cherish you mama in every form of your being and I’m proud and beyond honoured to be your daughter. Thank you for your boundless love.. Oh and one last thing…

I don’t say this enough, but I love you mama.