I Do NoT KnOw WhAt I'm DoInG

☁☁☁☁☁🌬 (* Alexa play NASA by Ariana Grande *) 🌬☁☁☁☁☁

[😂 I'm only kidding I'm too broke to afford an Alexa 🤣🤣🤣]

..." To give you the world I'mma need space "; if that's not a whole vibe I don't know what is. 🍵

Lately I've been feeling lost without a cause. My head is usually in the clouds someplace anyhow but these passing days my anxiety has grown, my worries has multiplied and my stress is fluctuating (not too off beat, but still too much to take in). I guess it's all because I'm drowning in bills I can't pay, sinking in things I can't buy or afford, rent is still daunting and haunting me for this month and the next month. I've been feeling so lost and out of balance. All summer long I was trying so hard to make idea, after idea just...work but nope, nothing. I decided to quit my miserable job and become self-employed. I thought I had something going for a moment but it just wasn't it. I got so tired and so fed up with just going to job after job, getting paid bupkis in exchange for being treated like crap or just straight feeling like the walking dead. There was no amount of coffee or whatever fancy beverage/elixir to get me through the EXTRA LOONNNGGG days. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like complete DECADES! 🙀🙀🙀 Needless to say that there were places I enjoyed working at very much but that paycheck did not reflect my work ethic, on top of the travel between me catching the bus to get there and then back home again, my whole day was gone just from that. Like uhhmm heeellooo can I get reimbursed for the 5 hour total bus trips from the day I had to take just to get to and from {and the 5 hours includes waiting times, because I'd have to wait an hour + just for the bus to come}. It was all so exhausting. And ultimately I got to a point of which I was ready to go and start doing my own thing. But bills called my name and then I had to bumrush into another job just to make sure I stayed afloat and that job did the trick. It was the shortest job I ever had and I simply HAD to go for the sake of my own wellbeing and sense of sanity. I don't regret leaving but not having any money is killing me.

This summer was a whirlwind. I dedicated time to myself to figure out what am I gonna do next with my life and what is truly going to make me happy. Now when I say this, it is in no relation to an Eat.Love.Pray type of situation. I didn't leave the house for a month (and then some), I balled my eyes out and had a panic attack almost every single day, the weight of the world and pressure of "grown up responsibilities" wouldn't let me sleep (especially now) and I couldn't escape this sense of " I'm F***ing Everything Up ". 😬 " Am I having an early mid-life crisis?💭 "..." Did I forget to install the automatic reset my life over button when I was in the womb (I knew forgot something🙄)" 💭 Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it rains but this summer was a nonstop thunderstorm with hail and isolated lighting. It was like nothing would let up. Can a girl just catch a break, I often wondered. I talked to every and any spirit/guide beyond this world for some type of resolve. I grew up going to a Baptist Church and there's a song the choir would sing that goes "...Jesus's on the mainline tell him what you want.." I BLEW THAT PHONE UP! Like, "Uhhm hello yes so I was still wondering about x,y,z and is there a chance we can discuss about a,b,c ; oh and also...Can you PLEEAASE make it rain some money". 🌧$🌧$🌧$🌧$🌧

°CUE CURRENT MOOD MUSIC° (* On My Own by Patti LaBelle *)

..."On my own...once again" ; Story of my life 🍨☕🌴

Now that I'm supposedly free to do whatever I want to do, I'm still not free at all, be.ca.us.e.of.mo.ne.y. Not having money isn't a bad thing, it's just simply when you can't do anything at all is what's bad. I got a lot more in to financial wellness and financial health over the summer as well since it very much is a vital role in our livelihoods and goes hand in hand with our overall wellbeing. I learned so much and took a lot of incredible notes. As I started to freak out all the more about getting all of my bills paid a thought came across my mind of what someone once said to me "Money is money". In retrospect okay sure, money is money and as long as you got your money then your good. I've had the chance to live on both sides of the spectrum to come to terms with that 'money isn't just money', it's a lot more than just that. With the miserable job I quit, I earned more money there in a month than I did in three months at jobs I both really despised and enjoyed. I had a job of which literally undermined me, belittled me, made me feel so irreplaceable/disposable, I stayed for a bit for the sake of money because I was working towards a money set goal. Ultimately I left that job because my emotional and mental health was worth much more than just a paycheck. I also had a job that was super easy and very quick to get, the pay was good and the hours was good too but the legitimate building in itself was toxic, made me extremely ill - when I said something about it everything went radio silent 🤨... and so yeah ya girl left that place in a scurry hurry. I also remained loyal to a place I enjoyed working at, gave my all, did my best but them checks 👻👻👻... they could make Casper (the friendly ghost) cry. It doesn't matter as much of the amount of money I'm making, if I can't have a life to enjoy alongside it. I also remember while working two jobs-*at the same time*-I was still coming up short paying my bills and being stressed out. I want to create passive streams of revenue that I can generate into a massive abundance of wealth for myself in the present and the future. I'm not simply looking to have money just to have it. For one, I've finally come to terms with that I'm worthy of abundance and so more than ever I definitely want my respects shown to my work ethic through equity. And there's so many passion projects I want to bring out into the world so having money to keep my regular bills in check while I create this thing and that thing, would be a TREMENDOUS help. I also want money so I can pitch in and share what I can, where I can to pay it forward and cause a chain reaction of goodwill because within that, is being in the flow of abundance. I want to travel, I want to do cool stuff, I want to be apart of world leading organizations but I also SINCERELY want to look at my bank account and not fall to pieces or get struck by the ⚡'reality bolt'⚡ when bills arise and there's not even any lint in my pocket to spare with. I want to live a full well rounded life with ultimate freedom and abundance!

So with all that being said you're like okay well then just go get yourself a good paying job that offers you all that. My response to that is a gracefully solid N O P E. But I'll admit that I did look up some jobs and even applied to a few places (never heard anything back though). But the reason for me choosing to be self employed is so I can start my career as a Creative. I only want to create wonderfully, beautiful, magical, odd, quirky and unapologetically authentic things that cater to the masses in a bountiful way. I want to make an income and an impact. And although I have no idea of how I'm gonna get to Point A to Point B in one piece, this path is definitely worth it. I know the saying around town is that entrepreneurship or just simply working for yourself especially as an independent creative professional is hard work but to me all that other stuff I did in the past - THAT WAS HARD WORK. Working endlessly, day in and day out at places that drained you (and your bank account too) was hard work. Constantly showing up to those spaces and places with a sense of optimism even when you know that it's not gonna be a good day regardless of what you say or do. Trying so hard to get 'seen' and receive approval accompanied by some sort of raise by just hustling harder than everyone else, but then yet everyone else gets 'seen' except for you. And don't even get me started on the janky rules, the confusion of management as of themselves, proving yourself over & over again 🤔... you can miss me with that, because I'm flying high off of ambition to go towards my own dreams. So if any of this resonates and if you're currently in this same position or similar as well, you don't have to carry the weight of your emotions around all by yourself because I get it and I'm here for you, I'm just soaring through the cosmos sending my unicorn spirits your way. ✨🦄✨🦄✨ It's more than okay that you don't know what you're doing, the massive majority of the world doesn't know either. Don't beat yourself up, better days ARE AHEAD!

Thanks a million for reading! 🤓💐🍿💖💃🏽