To Be Or Not To BE...Maybe

💅🏽 So when I first stared out on here I didn't know what to write. I haven't written anything in a LOOOONNNNGGG time, so I'm definitely rusty. But I figured ya' know what, I'm gonna do it anyway. 📜So I set up a goal for myself to write at least 10 stories before the month was up and I ended up writing 10 different pieces even before the week was up. I literally just wrote down anything. Not to say that I didn't put any time, effort or energy into my pieces because I definitely did. I used Google Dictionary as my personal assistance and just focused on solely writing and nothing else. And it was pretty fun. I enjoyed writing again. It felt like welcoming home an old best friend. Funny enough, I don't call myself a writer though, I prefer 'storyteller'. I love telling and writing stories. 📝🤪 I was never really taught how to write, it was always something that came naturally to me. I was writing essays in the 1st grade, because once I hit pen to paper it's off to the races. But even with that being said my writing journey hasn't been so bright and bubbly. I stopped writing (among other things as well) when I was in the thick of my depression and my social anxiety took on a life of it's own, hindering me from doing much of anything really. It was so hard to do all of the things that used to bring me joy, to engage with all of the things that brought me peace and clarity, and to just be at home within my own natural gifts. 😇Thankfully as of today I'm in a much better headspace and decided to give all of my love & passions another shot. I felt as though I was taking a risk with my writing...because I decided to do poetry. At first I wanted this to be a place to write specifically poetry and nothing more. I've always loved poetry but I was stopped in my tracks at a young age and never thought of doing anything such as writing poetry ever again. So once I started writing, I got hit with a lot of flash backs and old voices crept up in my mind. They were on constant replay like an old vintage film without the credits. It weighed on me heavily but I foraged ahead and kept writing. I wanted to prove something to myself and to those voices that I can write poetry and so I shall. 😂Now you're probably wondering why I'm going off into a rabbit hole about poetry. Stay with me, there's a method to my madness.

💜💥💫 When I was young my imagination was on override (still is). I made all types of stuff. Whatever experiment, doodle, project or anything else that I can find, I turned it into a multitude of expression. I LOVED art when I was younger. My favorite art teacher taught me that art is about expression, there is nothing 'exact' about it, you just simply let it be and unfold naturally. And of course you learn basic techniques to fine tune your craft, bit artistry at it's core is all about expression and whatever you make of it regardless of anything else. 🎨So with that and just simply being naturally drawn to whatever creative outlet there was, such as singing, dancing, drawing, knitting, writing and etc. I was all in! I can't remember how I fell in love with poetry exactly but I do remember the day I walked away from it to never look back. I created my very own poetry book. I had a composition notebook, ripped off the cover so I can fully create my own, with doodles and stickers. And I just wrote all of my poetry musings in it, front to back and cover to cover. 💗😆I was beyond thrilled! I wanted to showcase it any and everywhere. I wanted the world to know about what I just created and have them adore it just as much as I did. I was truly proud. So first I showed my mother, she read it and said it was nice, not very enthusiastically but she said it was nice so it made feel like okay cool well then I guess it is. Then the next given day (give or take the exact timeframe) my mother's friend and neighbor in the building of which we lived in just so happened to come by. They were laughing and talking or whatever then the topic switched over to my poetry book. I remember going to my room to get my book and gave it to my mother's friend. 🤦🏽‍♀️She read it, glanced over it some more, I read a couple poems out loud and she straight up said 'That's not poetry". My heart sank. She continued on to say that it was "cute" (huh?) but wasn't good, it just wasn't poetry and that it didn't make sense - basically it sucked - and as a kid I took the commentary internally as I sucked and that I don't deserve to write poetry because I don't have what it takes. After she left I just ripped up my book, cried from the despair I felt and walked away from it from that day on. I literally didn't even involve myself with anything that had to do with poetry. Although it was hard to ignore as years went by and poetry became topics in my English class, but I shunned myself from it. I was still very much intrigued because I'm so naturally drawn to it but I also felt that same exact sinking feeling in my chest that day when I was told that I wasn't a poet. 💌Years went by of me dreading this beauteous art form of writing all because someone made me feel inferior.

💅🏽Now here I am years later. I'm an adult, but yet with going back to writing in this form leaves me with catastrophic feels. I'm so nervous about if people like it or not, will they read it, or will it just be a unanimous thing of I'm simply not a poet and should just give up and walk away from it. Especially since I decided to take on a different kind of path with the writing technique. I wanted to combine puns, word-play, thought provoking similes to shift the lingo to make you think one way about something but really it means something else 🤯. I described it to my friends as 'when unicorns meditate, this is what they think about'. I just wanted to add more joy and fun into poetry because it's something that I rarely see. Now 1000% yes poetry is an incredible outlet for when you're going through rough patches and even the darkest of days. Poetry has a beautiful way of connecting us and finding common ground. But I'm simply not in that place anymore. I have my days when I'm not exactly happy or feeling myself, sure, I'm just no longer in that place I used to be and I want to write about something else. I often find that poetry can be very serious as well, so I wanted to lighten it up just a bit. My styling may be new and a bit of course from the usual form but I actually loved what I wrote (maybe because I'm the only one who understands it😂) and I was so proud of myself to see that I wrote and published 10 poems! I so badly just wanted to write S O M E T H I N G to at least get myself started. 🧐But then I happened to notice that no one's engaged or reading them, so it started to feel like a waste of time and back came that sinking feeling again. So I backed off for a bit because I just didn't want to write anything. Like if I suck then fine I'll just walk away and pretend that nothing happened. Couldn't do it. I did feel that way but I wanted to know where I fell short on engagement. So I began to read other poems and they were really good and I caught on to the gist of engagement that was used in their poetry, like "OoOoOoHhHhHh okay, GOTCHA". I now have an idea of what to do next with my poetry and how to get the message across to the reader since it is for them to enjoy just as well, and for which that's exactly the way I want it to be. 👩🏽‍🍳So I'll go back to the pot and cook up something more fresh, more lean, a bit more appetizing as well and then serve it with a smile because I know that not only is it amazing but also flavorful enough to be enjoyed by the senses. Now what did all of this have to do with you and the reason behind you reading this story today. It's simply to draw a picture from my experience with poetry to realign with what you've been reluctant to pursue or perhaps not willing to admit you're afraid of 'the thing' and that you keep telling yourself 'it doesn't matter', 'it's whatever' or that 'you're not good anyway so what's the point in trying'. First and forevermore there is always a point in trying. Your dream(s) are worthy of you. Your passion(s) are deserving of you. You were given those gifts specifically to share with the world, the best way to live a life fulfilled is by being in service to others and that's exactly why we were all blessed with amazing gifts so we can continue to flourish and thrive by lifting each other up with these amazing possessions of ours and go onward to better days. Why not take the risk. Why not roll the dice. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. What's the harm in simply beginning. And if you honestly do feel as though you're not 100% of where you want to be then figure out how to get there, do some research, ask for critical feedback, gain some new insights and take it back to the kitchen, whip up something new then before you know it...CHEF'S KISS🥰 You owe it to yourself to go after what makes your heart smile!

Thanks a million for reading!🤓💐🍿💖💃🏽