How did I become Tarot reader?

I have always had the ability to read people, situations, energies and get messages that others don't seem to get. As a child I always felt somewhat outsider and different, even with my friends and spend lot of time alone in the nature. Just wandering in the forest, mountains or beach. As teenager I was quite troublesome and unhappy. I had very low self esteem and spend much time with horses. When I left home to go study in an other town, I just felt relief. My family was middle class, who wanted to be upper class, but did not quite fit in. My parents were not very supportive towards anything I did, I guess they were too involved with their own issues and blamed me for them. They valued education and titles, which I never had. At high-school I was just daydreaming, writing and drawing to notebooks. I still do. I dropped out after first year and instead went to vocational school to become cosmetician and later hairdresser. I worked at the salon for few years and after that went to Greece as Au-pair.

My romantic relationships always started well, but became quickly very difficult and ended in bad terms. I often wondered why I have such drama when I am quite peaceful creature myself. Why I cannot find love? At some point I started watch Tarot readers from YouTube. I had few Tarot card decks myself too, but I rather bought them because I liked their art in them and I was too lazy to learn the meaning of the cards. So I could not read them at all. When my relationship was again on the rocks, I started watching Tarot readings form YouTube and it gave me some kind of comfort and hope. I learned the cards by watching others reading and soon I could say when reader had no clue what the cards meant and just said something that did not even make sense.

There are some readers that are quite accurate and I started to pay more attention to them. I also collected more new tarot cards. When I saw something I liked, I bought it. Mostly online. I also went to Tarot card class, but I did not agree with all the meanings of card with the teacher. Of course I did not say anything, but for example Page of Swards is now someone who spies online or at social media. In old days there was no online or social media to spy on so the meaning then was different. Also the marriage or relationship card varies depending on reader. So everyone has their own style and meaning for certain cards. Some look the images of cards and don't follow the traditional card meanings. They read more intuitive than "by the rules".

I did readings for fun to my friends and family members for free of course, as I did not have any experience. But to my surprise the cards talked to me. I just knew or rather saw in them things, people and events. I knew when there was love and when not. It was there in front of me, like reading a book. I don't know where that information comes from. I don't meditate or do anything special. I just need to be in right state of mind. I don't even try to concentrate, the information just flows to me easily. I don't need to try hard. Everything is very clear and I can ask anything and get answer. But not to myself. I cannot read to myself at all. I have tried, many times and failed. When I try to read to myself, nothing is clear. I am not sure what means what. I get confused. That never happens with others. When I read cards to other people I am sure what I see in front of me. And I can always ask verification for the cards from an other deck if the message is not clear. Sometimes I get the same card. It is like universe would say: "We told you already".

I also know things without cards. It annoys my son. He says, I don't want to watch movies with you, because you always know what happens beforehand. Or when he is looking for something, I say: "It is over there" without him even asking. At work I know if a project will be cancelled or if I should save certain mail, because it will be needed later. Things like that. I also sense danger and people who are not good. People have asked me many times "How did you know?" I don't know how I know, I just know. But when it comes to me and love, I have no clue at all. After many failed relationship that were very similar, I finally understood that I grew up in a family with narcissistic father and mother who was manipulated by my father. Those were my role models. I was so used to lies and drama between my parents that it became normal. I attracted or was attracted to same kind of men without knowing it. I just saw the other kind as boring, I was so used to rollercoaster ride and trauma bonding.

It was relief to finally understand that it was not my fault. It was not anything I said or did. I always thought there was something wrong with me, as all men were first very nice and then turned into monsters. I though that it was because of me and I tried very hard to maintain balance with people that did not try at all. And they blamed me for their own bad behavior. They were the victims. I finally got it. Nothing that I did would not change them and they had the same pattern with everyone. It was not that they loved someone else or I was not good enough, it was them. There was nothing wrong with me. It was that they were like bottomless well, always taking and never happy with what they had. Nothing was enough for them. They just needed more, new supply and moved to next one when there was nothing left for me to give. I did not do what they wanted me to do or gave what they wanted to have. I had nothing left to give. So they moved on to the next one, but also wanted to keep me hanging, so they could come back to me when the new source was drained.

When I finally understood my own value and decided I won't anymore try to understand anyone's bad behavior towards me, I was free to find true love and I met someone very special by accident. When I blocked the narcissist from social media and my phone after fours years of betrayals, lies, cheating, diminishing, emotional and financial abuse, I got message from the guy I had been dreaming for two years. I will write an about that later, because this one is about Tarot cards.

I don't think I would be sane without Tarot cards. They gave me hope and clarity when there was no hope or clarity. Few months ago I had good job and suddenly I was told that they transfer the operations to an other country and I have to put up my own company there to invoice them. I was not going to put up company in the country where I was not even living. No other invoicing method suited them. Other company I worked with told me that the work that I was suppose to have was cancelled and as result of all this I was completely without work. I lost two jobs at same time. I tried everything, I applied for weeks and months to all kind of jobs that I was overqualified and that were also underpaid. I was desperate, as I had no idea how to pay my rent. I tried everything online from affiliate marketing to T-shirt shop. Nothing worked out. I think I made like 20 bucks with them during several months. I was asking universe "What do you want me to do? Starve to death and sleep at street?" I needed money.

I was trying to think what I was good at, what can I do well and then I got it. I can read Tarot cards. So I applied online to several sites as a reader. Only one answered me and I passed the interview. I was first trying to avoid to go online. I was thinking "I go there if I cannot find anything else." Well, I did not. So I had to go online, it was not optional anymore. After first customer I was surprised how fun it was to chat with people and read cards to them. It was so easy, that it did not even feel like work and the customers were so nice. I just tell them what I see in the cards. I don't know how long I will be as Tarot reader, but the cards have saved me again. They are magical. They have been there for me when no one else was. I feel the same way about music. I always have said that I will start reading cards when I am old. I guess this was universe's way of telling me that this is what you are suppose to do, help others and give them hope. And also that "You are old enough."