Him

It all started with a crush on a football player, one of the few people who noticed me in that school. Being invisible was my life so being noticed was everything. When I left high school I thought I wouldn't see him again but I was so ready to be an adult and finally be free to be myself as an adult and pursue a career.

A year goes by, I go through a break up and I went back to the town where I graduated and happen to meet up with him. We ended up spending some time together and he drove us to his place where I kissed him. He was relatively polite and cordial and asked to be together at that point. That seemed like the best thing that could happen at the time but soon I would know that this was going to be my downfall.

So, we started dating and he would shower me in compliments and show acts of service as well as bringing me around his friends. I felt dependent on his acceptance of me since I felt as if people never felt this way about me, he played into my insecurities to make me attached. He had introduced me to weed and acid and those things helped me cope with my existing issues. Things were 'rainbows and unicorns' for a short while but it started going sour slowly. He would start throwing in insults and attacks on me or my family. He would slowly dig the idea that he was the only one who would ever love me and even my parents don't love me and just feel bad for me and even stated I must be special needs and that's why my mom wants to baby me. Soon it became an argument every time I would go out without him, he often called me selfish or asked why I wore makeup and who I was trying to impress. Everything I did was wrong in his eyes.

For my 20th birthday, I wanted to adopt a dog. We went to the pound and he couldn't stand being inside so he sat ,moping outside while my sister and her boyfriend had looked with me for a dog. I found a small black dog with the cutestes bow legs and a proud puffed out chest standing in front of one of the cages. I saw him and I knew he was my baby instantly. He finally came in to play with the dog in the back of the pound but still seemed unhappy to be there. I fell in love with the dog and took it home, my sister had suggested the name Dexter and it stuck.

On our way home he had kept the dog on his lap but snapped at the dog for leaning out the window, claiming he was trying to jump out. It was day one with the dog and he had already started to treat Dexter the same way he treated me.

Soon he would do things to show his disregard for my wellbeing where his dad, who he lived with him, had to intervene after he would throw pillows so I would hit my head or scream at me for making simple mistakes. Our fights would get so volatile I would have asthma attacks or he would threaten to kill himself with a shotgun in hand. Part of me would hope he would just point it at me and kill me. Everytime I slept at my own place he would suspect something was wrong and I was cheating. I would go so far out of my way to make sure a fight didn't happen. I stopped taking care of myself completely. I felt like I was living underwater , like nothing actually existed. I no longer was myself, only simply his girlfriend.

Most of the second year together was a blur. He had continued to hurt me and now my dog who was just a puppy, 6 months when I took him home. Since he was a puppy, he would often pee on things or chew up things but to him, it was not acceptable. In one instance, the dog had went through the trash and he threw the dog into the trash can. I had taken the dog out and hid somewhere until I felt the storm had cleared. Dexter also had some hip issues early on which I was to blame for playing too hard with him.

One night his friend had came over and he had forced himself into me on the couch while his friend was asleep on his bed. I had kept fighting as he squeezed me tighter and said "it feels right , doesn't it" until I had gone limp and he came inside me. As many sexual encounters had been with him even when I saiI had so much anxiety over getting pregnant and went to get the morning after pill the next day.

He had quit his job to start a business but then would constantly be mad at me for him not getting any business. I would hand out his cards as needed, he had used my debit card to pay for a lot of what he used but never made anything out of it. He drained my bank account to the point I had nothing left. He had leaned on me with the very small wage to support him. Soon he got a job at circle K to make something since all he did was sit in his shed trying to think of how to make the business work and blaming my lack of attention while working a full time job where I was very stressed.

There were many drug filled nights, usually acid mixed with plenty of weed. An example is on this night we had taken some very strong acid at my place and something had triggered a flashback (even though I have never experienced this)where I was lying on the freeway, dying with distant ambulance lights dancing on the corner of my eye. I had felt my body hurting and my lungs collapsing.

Then snap, I'm back in reality crying profusely but unable to muster the strength to explain before being knocked back into the scene of what felt like me dying.

Back into the scene of my death I noticed more. I could see the sign over the freeway looked like the 101 and I felt my ribs breaking with every breath. I saw two men, EMT's on top of me, one leaning on my chest suffocating me more as my eyes went towards the ambulance and it faded to black and I was back in my room with him asking if I was crying because I cheated on him with his poor friend who had witnessed the dramatic scene. Part of me thinks this may have been the cause of him making me uncomfortable. His friend had later had a psychotic episode due to the acid. He had somehow made it about himself and said he felt it was somehow his fault I died in this vision I had. It always came down to being about him at the end of the day.

Another instance happened at a camping festival, similar to burning man but smaller. We had agreed to take Dexter but I said I needed him and our friends to help watch him but of course, I was the only one watching him the entire time. One night I had him in my jacket since he was cold but had to pee. I had asked him to hold Dexter so I could use the restroom. When I went to hand him over, He had started screaming "You're so selfish. Do you know who I AM? I AM GOD!..." he continued to scream walking off and leaving me alone with the dog. I had went back to our camp to find him and he apparently didn't realize what he said and acted as if it didn't happen. I ended up peeing myself due to not being able to put the dog down.

When we would interact with anyone he would find an issue with me talking to anyone, especially if they were male and even somehow got jealous of my dog. I would tell him to lend something to a friend and he would ask why I would talk to that friend and if I was sleeping with them. I had lost all my friends since he wouldn't allow me to see them without starting a scene.

He had moved in with me since I owned a condo at this point. I had helped him find a job closer to me that he seemed to like. He had somehow been mad at me the day he got promoted and how stressful it was to start a new training. One day, I had new cabinets installed and just got home from work and before I could even shower, he screamed about me not having everything in the cabinets and the shelves set up. Another instance I had a rough day at work and he had some friends over and he got mad that I wouldn't kiss him the moment I walked through the door. I had told him I was tired and needed a shower before anything.

I soon got a PS4 for both of us to play for christmas. He would go out and buy himself games and consistently be on it while complaining my internet was too slow to support online play for battlefield and call of duty. He would get mad at me for playing uncharted and state I was hogging the playstation and always on it when he would never allow me to play. We continued to have volatile fights where I would purposely take an hour to walk the dog around when I got home to stay away from him and he would call and ask where I was. Sometimes he would start fights and drive off as if he was leaving me.

One night we got into a heated fight over something I cannot even think of now. I had locked myself in the bathroom and he had broken the door to get to me as he grabbed my wrists and bit my arm. I had tried to talk to him and grabbed his shirt at one point where he cried that I was hitting him and abusing him. He was twice my size and couldn't even feel if I was hitting him. Eventually he called the cops saying I was harassing him. I had went to my neighbor who took me in to make sure I was safe. When I went back to make sure my dog was okay, a police officer was at my door. He told me the claims and I showed my scars. He took him to jail for the night and gave me some papers on domestic abuse. I still didn't believe I was the one being abused yet and still picked him up the next day. He wouldn't speak to me the next day at all and when he did, He said he made some friends in jail.

There was another night we had another fight and I came into the room to see his shotgun in front of his face and him threatening to kill himself. I had called his Dad for help and he and charged out of the room to yell at me for leaving him alone like that. Looking back now, he was just testing me. Part of me just thought I hope he doesn't do it here because I don't want that mess in my house. Other fights he would film me breaking down in hopes to prove I was crazy. I had went back and deleted those while he was sleeping.

Another night he was playing Battlefield and I had shut it off to talk. He stared right through me until I was inches from him trying to talk. He then told me to punch him with a shit eating grin sprawled across his face. As mad as I was I couldn't do it because I knew he would retaliate and call it self defense. He then kicked me down and went into the other room. I didn't want to stay to know what would happen so I took my dog and left. He called my parents stating I was being crazy and needed help. I parked in a nearby parking lot shaking uncontrollably. My dog looked terrified. I called him and told him to leave tonight, I was finally done with living in constant fear. He had called my parents so they were driving over and calling me to see what is happening since he stated I was going crazy. He kept calling me to ask what was his, he tried to take the PS4 and some other things. Every time I would say that's mine he would state "you'll only break it if you keep it, you break everything". My parents and sister kept calling me to see what was happening. When my parents arrived, we went back to the condo and his friend was there helping him get everything out. He had tried to shake my hand and I stared him down in anger. My parents had taken me to their place for my days off.

As much as I want to say that's the last of it, It wasn't. I agreed to let him see my dog one last time as I took anything I left at his place and as he said good bye he started whispering into his ear " she doesn't love you. She won't take care of you ." over and over and I flipped his hat off his head. He cried out "you tried to punch me" and his Dad agreed. I asked his dad to go grab the dog since I needed to go but he would not allow that to happen. My parents had to come back with me to get the dog back since I was near calling the police to get him back.

Some years go by and I finally admit to myself what had happened was abuse as well as telling some close to me what had happened. I got my old friends back and was in a new relationship. It was valentine's day and I had received roses on my doorstep and figured it was the guy who was about to come pick me up. I texted him and he had no idea then I asked around and posted it online and no one knew. There was a hint on the note left. It was signed "Man" which was what we would jokingly call each other. I unblocked and texted him to find out he sent them. I panicked. I couldn't stop worrying as my date came in and I didnt know what to do. I was so scared he would hurt me or my dog again and this was a taunting. My date had laid out the rose petals on the bed and posed with them to cheer me up.

Hopefully that's the last of me seeing him. He still haunts me to this day and I still fear him coming to get me all the time.