"Happy for Everyone Else Meter"

I went to the last of the four "friends" weddings that were on my books this year, and in lieu of supporting everyone else's love, I think I feel more lost within myself than ever. I cop the saying about how my "Happy for Everyone else meeter, is running low". In reality, it's hard to see everyone else have a person to share a dance floor with when I am alone. I know how selfish that sounds, but trust me, I hate myself enough for the both of us regarding this, nonetheless, it remains. It is kind of funny, in a cosmic comedic kind of way, how my favorite thing in this world is weddings as a photographer and videographer, yet I stand here alone selfishly divulging in my own pitty party of feeling like I don't fit anywhere while at this friends wedding.

However when I have a camera in my hand, I do not feel alone, I feel in control, holding purpose. It's like I found a place that fits all of my skills and gives me an excuse to fit somewhere I never have.

People who know me, tell me their favorite thing about me is how much of myself I am, but what they don't know, is how badly I wish I could escape that part of me. I wish at this wedding I could hide the uncomfortable stature I give off from all the small talk that never leads anywhere and the few conversations I can conjure up about that current whereabouts and travels. I wish I could feel pretty in a room full of these knock-out pencil-perfect girls who can dance with the alcohol infused in their veins. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could be comfortable and present, in a room that I was invited to, but without my camera, I feel lost, without purpose, wasted space. I feel like someone I am, sadly, and yet everything I am not.

I am damn good at my job and I love it, I am a great friend, and care deeply and try so hard to be kind, even when faced with reaction triggers. I love the life I am building, and I love the friends that I have, but why does the absence of what is missing feel bigger than the latter? Why cant I be the girl who is capturing the moments in the moment, be a part of the moment too, just without the hardware?

I think a piece of me has always held onto the absence of what is in front of me, and unfortunately, that missing piece always seems to be a partner to some degree. I have been in relationships, I have been loved, I have been loved turned to hate, I have fought and cried and lied and tried. I have seen it, done it, not wanted it! But when I was alone at this wedding, feeling like I had already awkwardly overmaxed my conversations with the four people I knew, the absence of not having that person seemed unbearable.

The absence actually always feels like that, whether that puzzle piece is missing or trying to be pressed into a spot it didn't easily place into. I Dream of a relationship that makes sense, that fits into my world, and my life, getting along with my family but acknowledging the difference between me and them. I want to come home for once and feel proud like I have a person in my life worth planning a future with then maybe just maybe my brother and his wife and their silly doodle with their new house and picture-perfect life won't feel like a knife slicing into what I have never found.

I don't know how to explain how grateful I feel for the life I do have and the people in my life finding and having that person for them. Yet, as of late, I feel the absence of not having someone to be mentally and physically safe with more than needing to fill the empty space with. It's like when I plan to buy a house, it's daunting how empty it will feel without a future full of love to fill it with. It feels like I have to plan for a future with the possibility of no one loving me the way I see others being chosen and loved. Once again I know, pathetic, but my feelings are valid, and as a romantic this future feels like a purgatory I have never written myself to be the character in.

I don't want to feel this way! I find myself watching reality TV love trope shows to remind me of what dating actually feels like. I tell myself of the potential yeast infections and how sex most of the time sounds better than it is. I redownload and redelete the dating apps within a single sitting then scroll on social media to feel less alone. I look at my parent's marriage and think about how I don't really want to give up my agency and or decision-making and or all the complications there are to be in a relationship with me and within my family. I really am trying to just let the world give me a person at the right time, and I can tell you even for me it doesn't feel like that time, yet the emptiness remains. The delusion of a significant meet-cute moment in my mind makes me so impatient for the passing of time and the clock ticking while surrounded by everyone else's alarm.

I don't want to feel this way, I do not want to envy others' happiness, it's not healthy, it's not who I am. I had "to be happy on my own" on my bingo card this year, and I would say most of the time I am, but man, how I just wish I didn't have to always be strong alone, to have a person who will hold some of my mind with, if not to just soften the blow by someone to come home to. I don't know, maybe that card wasn't put in my deck, or maybe everyone else got all the fairy dust that was left. Maybe I am filming the highlight reel of the rarity of love and life together, not the truth that is hard to find someone to grow old with.