Forever Misunderstood

She awoke one morning feeling like she got hit by a freight train, her little mind was reeling from the horror she saw the night before while her heart was screaming the words why? As a small child only having very little knowledge of the life she was about to endure, not knowing that at the time everything she would experience would be what builds her into a warrior.

All she remembers is watching her father beat her mother into an unrecognizable bag of flesh that would leave a mark on everyone's soul for decades to come. As she lifted her eyes to the light of day all she could see in that moment is a light flashing in her face that would put her father in handcuffs and leave her in the back of a police cruiser to where she thought would be freedom from the nightmares she had to live.

As the cruiser turned the corner to a future unknown, there she saw her mothers bruised, swollen face and all she could do was shrink into the seat and escape into her imagination that brought her solace and freedom, because at least there she could fall down a rabbit hole like Alice and escape the mess that was to become her journey;

It wasn't long before the brand new beginning that she believed would be her peace turned into something she would barley survive, for no sensitive child who held so much compassion and love should ever had to bare the weight of the armor that she would have to carry. With each nightmare she had to walk through would don a shiny new piece that would harden her beautiful spirit into someone that she stopped recognizing in the mirror.

Her childhood was left experiencing the addictions of the people meant to keep her safe, all the while bringing more terror in her life than she knew how to balance. From the nightly beatings of her mother whom took her very own emotional pain out on her like it was her fault for her mothers unwillingness to find her own strength, to the sexual abuse from a family friend while her own father was sitting right there to drunk and oblivious in his own selfish ways to know what was going on.

As time went on the more difficult her journey would become, because the more she stopped seeing the strength she fought with, the more she started seeing herself as someone who would never be enough to love, when love was the only thing her beautiful light ever wanted.

Learning at a young age by being an empath child having to people please a narcissistic father and yearning for the love of a mother, her disposition was already predetermined for failure. As she carried on through worlds of abuse and addictions the angrier she became and the more that light started to dim, until there was a brief moment that the only thing left of it was just a burning ember starting to smoke right before it was about to be snuffed out, and the more she learned how to project her own pain onto others like those who had no compassion for her.

She was damaged, from every piece of heart break she had to endure. While promise after promise from people piled up around her that they would be different, was when an attempt at suicide became an answer. Every part of her soul ached to have just one person care enough to say I see you, she just needed one person to want to learn her heart enough to understand the true beauty that lied within the layers of hateful conditioning that was brought on by others who had no desire to hold the true unique, deep feeling, emotionally loving person she truly was but yet was left feeling ashamed for.

The harder she seemed to fight for love and the very essence of what that was suppose to mean, the crueler it seemed her world would become. She started drowning in the intoxicating sting of a needle deep into her vein that brought her moments of euphoria that she would continue to chase, until she fell shaking and puking with children of her own watching from the side lines not understanding why her fix was more important then them.

She drowned in her own misery because masking her pain was easier then facing the fact that the love she was seeking the whole time was not from whom could give it to her, but by how she was giving it to herself. Yet how was she suppose to know what that meant when the love that she knew was only experienced through pain. Even though she fought herself out of that addictive hole it wouldn't be long until she would find herself into the next. The reality was not the substances that was her true vice, her true vice was the need to be cherished, for it was something she had never felt but wanted more than most people.

So on the cycle went and the harder she fought to stand up, the harder she fought to find what she was searching for. To the point she would hand her heart to anyone who would whisper the words she desperately wanted to hear, without acknowledging whether their actions matched and it only took months into her recovery until she found herself black out drunk everyday trying to survive yet another nightmare that was dressed in a day dream. Only this one she didn't realize would bring her farther on her knees quicker then that brown liquid she shot in her blood stream.

There is something to say about a demon hiding behind a teddy bear smile, one that showed the world they were a soft, safe place to land all the while behind closed doors it would be her biggest nightmare she would have to live through. Having every beautiful piece of herself that she still had left to love in the mirror stripped away from a person who tried to outrun their own hate for themselves. Creating her to be a monster that in a sense she was, but not to the extent that was being put on loud speaker for all to hear.

Its crazy to even think that because of her own self destructive past, how fast people will believe things about you whether it be the truth or not and how quick they are to condemn you through the mouth of the one abusing you. She was made to fear her own voice from being the ex junky who was up against a man with a badge.

The sad part in it, is she was painted to be such an awful human being, when down the road of her finally leaving this place, the amount of people that popped up with a little more of the truth of his own indiscretions that he blamed her for was crushing and truth be told, it wasn't even that long ago he was still trying to reach out to her. Which in hindsight was multiple times in the few years that she has been free from his grip.

However, left more battered and bruised then the battles she had already fought, she didn't stand a chance to be able to stand up against anybody else who walked into her life after that. Her melodies were reduced to ashes and all she could wake up and do is fear her own shadow, which became the mirror that people saw in her and the permission for them to use her as a door mat. At that moment she had no more will left to fight so a door mat she became, just so she could have the little moments of the words that escaped their lips to keep her where they wanted her, to fill her with the little bit of the emotion she had spent a lifetime trying to hold on to.

It was only an illusion they draped over her so they could take from her the little bit of ember she had left to fill their own egotistical needs and every night she was left reduced to tears from the reminder that she would never be anything more then the harlequin they got enjoyment out of from the performances that they would dart in and out of her life and have her play.

Until the very moment where another promise was softly grazed over her skin that yet another mask wearing white knight would portray, it wasn't until he couldn't keep up with his own song and dance that something in her snapped. As she stared at her self in the mirror one day seeing her whole life replay in front of her face, lifting each conditioned piece of flesh that was boar into her body like embedded steal after a ticking time bomb went off, did she start seeing the truth that she allowed herself to be blinded from.

That ember that was barley a glow started to spark and spit until a fire came roaring out of her that no phoenix themselves would have been able to hold and blasted even the ashes clean from existence. The moment where she started to see past the illusion that her enough was worth more than the jester they had her fooled to be, and out came the warrior that finally saw what she was truly bringing to the table and boy did she fight back.

As she looks back, never once believing she was worth more than the shit on someone else's shoe, based upon other people placing their pain on her for her to carry. She realized the whole time that she allowed this world to put her on her knees, while it was her alone who was always fighting for a belief she held onto as a little girl that love exists. To her surprise she found more of it inside of herself that day that she stared in the mirror, and watched all the battles she conquered alone in this lifetime because it was her love for her children and herself that kept her going. While the whole time she was seeking for it in people who never knew how to hold it for themselves, allowing them to condition her as the bad guy, because it made them feel more superior then it did having to hold their own accountability.

Its crazy to think how when she started fighting back and finally finding strength in holding her boundaries, how indifferent they became labeling her the mean one without showing their own selves grace to look in their own mirror to see the monsters that they themselves are, and how their own actions were just as much apart of her self destruction as of those she had to forgive herself for.

So now she has decided to travel the rest of this journey alone, only allowing those rare few who in her life made her feel valued, because being valued was what she was fighting for the whole time. She was just only able to seek it in those who never understood what the very definition of it truly means, because they to are on their own journey that is meant for them to seek it for themselves coming up against their own lessons they have to learn from.

With her ability to understand that is where she was able to find forgiveness and compassion for them. She knows they to have had their own hurt that they had to endure in this lifetime, and with that has been able to still hold a place for them in her heart that carries nothing but love, because she has always had the ability to see more of who they are then they truly will ever see in themselves.

She smiles more now, she stood up and gave her own life meaning and direction without ever being giving the communication of why somethings had to happen the way they happened. She is satisfied with knowing that with every mistake she has made and with all the pain that was not hers to carry that she shouldered, she built a strength in her that not a damn soul will ever be able to come up against. The beauty of it is she did it all by herself, because once she realized the love she sought was already buried in her chest the whole time, she was able to lay down her swords, spread her wings wide and fly herself to freedom.