Embrace

A friend posted this picture on Facebook with the caption “I miss you mom”. And it broke me. I can’t remember what guided meditation I was listening to where it had me envision myself curled up on the lap of the universe and feeling safe and secure. These are feelings I rarely feel.

Most of my life I’ve been on survival mode or “fight” not flight. I have no memories of hugs or “I love you’s” from my mother. Few comfort moments from my dad but only in celebration. Never in times where I was sad, scared, or confused.

After that meditation I would sometimes try and picture or try and imagine what this would feel like. Which yes is comforting until it’s over. Then the feelings anger and resentment flood my body and mind. I’m angry because I didn’t have that and never will. Then the inner voice of “becoming the victim” or “stop playing the victim card” so the emotions become invalidated.

I am a victim of negligence. Due to that I was sexually abused which led to me numbing the pain in unhealthy ways. My drug of choice was and still is, food. I have no background on research of addiction. But it has to be one of the most complicated and overlooked addictions. You can live with giving up cocaine. You can’t give up food.

Trying to recognize what triggers me and trying to change my inner dialogue has been the biggest challenge and one that I know I have to beat in order to live a life of abundance. In order to break the cycle and destroy the thoughts that I am not good enough. It’s really hard. I feel like I need a coach everyday building me up.

A lot of times I hold back on the deep dark feelings of my mind when I talk with close friends or family. I know they have their own challenges and I don’t want bare my weight on them. So I have to be my own coach.

I don’t want to sound old but I do think having access to social media and other negative distractions has made the healing process harder. Not just for me. ADHD diagnosis are far more prevalent then they’ve ever been. Again, something I was able to slip through the cracks with as a kid.

Right before thanksgiving this year, I discovered my mom had been living at the Salvation Army. Homeless. This has been something my mind can’t escape. I had hopes of my mom one day getting her shit together and showing up for me. There was a brief time I felt like she was getting there. I go back and forth in my head if I’m suppose to be taking her in and helping her. But I’m a single mother with my own financial struggles and I don’t have the energy to try and fix someone else. Is that selfish? It’s a hamster wheel of thoughts and I can’t even begin to explain the damage of my relationship with my father. That’s a text book soap opera.

My hope is that my daughter will never feel neglected and that she has feelings of love and comfort when she thinks about her mothers embrace. I want to be a consistent safe place for her. I want her to come to me when she’s heartbroken or confused or accidentally overdrafts her bank account and not be scared. I want her to know that it’s ok to make mistakes and teach her the lessons on how to not make those same mistakes. I want her to know I’m always here. And when I’m not here I want her to feel the universe wrapping her up in my embrace.