Drunken Interview

We were in the middle of a global pandemic and of course I was stuck looking for a new job. But between you and I, I kind of liked the “new” way of things. I actually enjoyed covering my face with a mask. I always hated my bone structure and lips, and my eyes were one of my favorite features about myself. Now I could flaunt it and I loved it. Anyways, like I said, I was stuck looking for a new job and the mayor of Ohio was telling me I should only leave my house for essential items. That’s when I learned how crucial the internet really is to our society. I could buy wine online without the old lady yelling at me at the grocery store telling me it’s nonessential. You’re probably thinking, we are in the middle of a global pandemic, why is wine the first thing on your mind. Just bear with me and try to hear me out. I have terrible social anxiety and this pandemic has kind of helped me in a way. When I was looking for a new job, I was told we could do interviews on a zoom call. Now, don’t judge me, but the first thought that came through my mind was I could have a few glasses of wine before the interview and they would never know! It was never my intent to drink the whole bottle of Merlot, but I got nervous and the glasses seemed to go down almost too smooth. I logged onto the interview to find out it was an open interview and there was about ten other people on this call with me and if I wasn’t almost to the point of being drunk, I would have closed my computer so fast when I saw how intelligent the other people looked compared to me who was pretending to not be drunk.

It was about twenty minutes in, maybe, I honestly don’t know, but let’s go with that. The person interviewing all of us said they wanted to do an exercise, where we were all to go around and say what kind of animal we wanted to be and why. I didn’t know if I was too drunk or if this was really a question that they asked. I had to cover my mouth at some of the answers to keep myself from laughing. I’m not a mean person but hearing a grown man in a suit and tie in an interview say he wanted to be a bird so he could fly cracked me up and I don’t know why. When my turn came, I turned on my microphone without hesitation nor thinking, and I called him out. “Being a bird so you can fly just sounds so boring. Like you could be any animal in the entire world, and you choose a bird so you can fly? Go get in a helicopter or go parachuting. There is no depth to your answer. If I were an animal, I think I would maybe be a lion so when I hunt my prey, I would get the rush of being in power because I can hunt for fun or for food just because I can. Or maybe I would be one of those fish that can swim to the bottom of the ocean to depths that man cannot go. I mean I feel like you should choose something that you don’t have the ability to do as a human.”

It was quiet for what felt like an hour when someone else unmuted their microphone. “I don’t know, is a fish really an animal?” He flashed a smile at me through the computer and started laughing. I responded, “I honestly don’t know, and I probably would if I wasn’t drunk”. Me and him were laughing and snorting so loud on the microphones while everyone else watched in horror at us completely crashing this interview. He said “I second that” as I saw him pick up a glass of wine and sip it on the video. The video soon ended once the interviewer had enough of our nonsense.

I was sitting alone in my house, drunk, laughing at the blank screen that was now on my computer. I looked over and now my glass of Merlot was gone. It wasn’t long after the interview that I got a friend request on Facebook from what looked like the random drunk guy on the interview with me.

I accepted it and of course I called him a stalker for finding me so fast. He said it wasn’t hard to find me since my first and last name were on the video and we didn’t really live in a huge city so there weren’t too many people with my same name. He asked if we could facetime over a glass of wine and of course I said yes.

When I facetimed the stranger, I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw him pouring the same exact Merlot into his cup that I was drinking! We talked for hours and maybe it was the Merlot, maybe it was fate, but I honestly never felt so connected with someone right of the bat. Right before we said goodnight, he thanked for the coolest yet weirdest, best first date he could have possibly had. It was then I learned that even during the worst of times and it feels like the world is ending, sometimes all you need to get you through is a glass of Merlot (or maybe a bottle) and good laugh.