Do you know that your actions have consequences?

Will I always be a liar? Why am I so fake? Do I manipulate the situations I find myself in? Can i answer a simple and straight forward question truthfully without the thought of a lying instead crossing my mind?

Lets jump back a little bit shall we! I'm getting way ahead of myself and into a story without any real context. This usually happens. My mind starts racing and I find myself having too many different thoughts and then I get overwhelmed and I can't seem to process them all at once.

Lets not have that happen this time shall we!

I started off talking to a woman in December 2020 after meeting her through a mutual friend. We had all gone out to lunch and the friendship had developed from there from small messages here and there to then adding one another on social media, to then finally going on our first date.

I told my parents NONE of this.

They had no idea I had met someone knew or that I was even considering dating, let alone actually dating someone!

I'll be honest- I was scared and I didn't actually know how I felt. This was my first proper female-female relationship and It's all fine and well telling the ones you love that you like guys and girls, but then when you actually follow through with this and start to date them, it all becomes real for you and those around you. So, as much as it was new and exciting, I wanted to make sure this was the real thing. I wanted to make sure we didn't rush into anything (as i have done before!) and this woman also has a son. We both agreed we needed to make sure he was comfortable with his mother dating again as there had previously been an engagement with a past partner that had fallen through and it had badly affected both of them.

I can see where my parents are coming from- I understand their frustration because they've always told me that if i'm gay, then that's okay! If I have anything to tell them or discuss that they are always there for me with open ears. But this felt different.

This was me openly saying and coming to terms with "oh, i think I like women way more than i ever thought".

When this whole thing came to a head, and I will get to that shortly, my dad had said to me that he didn't understand the whole "being bi" thing as my room when I was younger was filled with posters of rock bands and frontMEN with long hair, some with make up, covered in tattoos and I would always be fawning over then.

Now, I can always appreciate a handsome man. However, I can also now appreciate a beautiful woman. A persons tastes can change, but I still like all the bands from my teenage years and even now at 30, I still think they're all beautiful. That doesn't just go away. But I have started looking at women differently and I'm not sure what anyone wants me to say?

Anyway, back to how my parents had found out about me and my partner.

It was a Sunday morning and we were getting ready to go into the car as I was face painting at a party for a few hours and we were getting ready to go. (My partner had stayed over with me the night before and I have my own flat).

The family group chat had pinged and the message had said that because it was to be such a lovely day, we could all meet up and have a nice lunch in the garden.

My partner had been saying to me for quite a few months before this like when will I be telling my parents about our relationship and have I thought anymore about how to bring it up to them and more time had passed that it was my own fault and choice- I would muster up some courage to do it when i was visiting my parents and then i'd internally panic and cave in and not do it. But i never pushed passed that feeling. I gave into that feeling and it is completely my own fault.

So, we are getting ready to go to the party and I say out of the blue something along the lines of "Will we just go and meet my family today because there is a family lunch in the garden and I'd like you to be with me when I tell them. It'll make me feel more comfortable".

I know I completely caught her off guard because although she said yes, I know that I made her a little nervous because that's a big step. And i remember saying to her "If I don't do it now, then will I ever? If I don't then where does that leave our relationship?" We had also spoken about how it was making my partner feel as well and she had mentioned how she felt I was hiding her, and the mention of the word ashamed had popped up, like was I ashamed of her and that's why I wasn't telling anyone?

Anyway, we went to the party and during it, a message comes through from my mum saying my grandparents would also be there and asking what time the party finishes.

Shit.

Maybe it's a bad idea and we shouldn't go to this family lunch. Or maybe, we just go and do it as planned because is there ever going to be a "right" or "good time" to do it?

I've answered your question of "did we go?"

Yes. Yes we did and boy did shit hit the fan. Not immediately right enough. I had made my family very uncomfortable with the ambush and I didn't warn them that it was happening. We did show up and i'm all "SURPRISE HERE IS MY PARTNER!" And my parents really weren't happy.

They aren't happy with how the whole situation was handled and for not telling them this was even a thing. They had no idea about my relationship and the fact that I hid it and lied was the icing on the cake, so to speak.

"Why are we back on this shit rollercoaster? Did you learn nothing from the last time!?"

Oh yeah, this happened with a previous relationship where I did actually lie about being in a relationship with a transgender man. I was open and told my parents who I had met and about this persons background and they didn't like it. They had commented on me not using my brain and that they'll have their own mental issues and I cannot handle it because I don't even handle my own very well and stop looking at situation was "Disney tinted glasses", meaning that I do often go into a trance and try and see things from a "happily ever after point of view". So, I decided to break things off with the person after only one date and I had told my parents that I would no longer be in contact with them. But it didn't feel right. I wanted to get to know the person. So I was the one who reached out and I started up a conversation again with them. Then we went on a date for coffee. I started to develop feelings for them and then the next time we saw each other, they had invited me to their flat and made me dinner and I stayed over. During all of this, my parents thought I was staying with my friend. I thought the lie had worked, so when I was asked to stay over again, I said yes, but i have a terrible poker face and I am a terrible liar. Kinda begs the question why I actually lie if i always get caught, ya know. Mum had clocked on that something was 'off' with me and caught me out the following day when i thought my facebook was private and changed my relationship status to 'in a relationship' thinking that only I could see it and I'll tell them later on.

Nope.

I was VERY wrong. My aunt had seen it, screen-shotted it and sent it to my mum, who then messaged me and my heart sank.

SHIT.

So, from that relationship, which actually broke down a few months after all the drama anyway, my family had a very hard time believing me and anything i said and I can understand why. I betrayed their trust and said i was somewhere when i wasn't. If something had happened to me or i'd crashed my car, or heck, had this person been a murderer, what would happen then? That isn't something I had even thought about or considered. This then begs the question, am I stupid and lack common sense? Or am I simply selfish and only think about 'right now' as apposed to looking further ahead and considering all possible outcomes of my actions, because as we all know, actions have consequences and I didn't think about this.

I didn't think about how this would make my family feel if they found out I had been lying to them. I didn't think about how this would break our trust. I was only thinking about how i know i said i had broken this off but it doesn't feel right, I want to get to know this person and i'm just going to do it.

And now we fast forward to July 2022 and how i've ambused my family with this big news after keeping it to myself for over a year. (Me and my partner ended up officially dating in July 2021)

Now, my parents have said that my partner came across as lovely, polite and well mannered, however, its my fault that I have painted her in a bad light. I'm the one who lied but she also went along with it so they aren't happy at all with me and i completely understand why.

They had came to my flat on Tuesday to discuss the whole situation because I hadn't messaged them for a few days, however, my thinking was that this is a lot for anyone to take in so i'll give them some space, however, this has come across as me hiding out the way.

I think that, no matter what i say or do just now will be questioned because I did lie and that is completely understandable. I broke the trust and how can you know what is truth and what is lies with me. I did that. That was completely my fault.

I have apologised but I know this is going to take a very long time to rebuild. My parents had actually suggested us going to a therapist together to talk all of this through and I think that is actually a really good idea so i've gotten that all booked in.

I really do hope we can move on from this because I do love my family, however, they do give me a lot of anxiety, there is past childhood trauma in the mix and i'm always second guessing myself with regards to what i say and my actions in different scenarios because i'm afraid to do something wrong. I don't want to burn my bridges at all, but it did upset me to think, would it actually be easier on us all if i did? Would it stop the hurt and stress we find ourselves in because of my actions and lies? Also, can i stop lying to my family? I'm a terrible liar, so why do I keep doing it?

A relationship built on a lie, will crumble and fall. Is it worth it?