Diary Of Narcissistic Abuse

Being in this relationship is like chasing my tail continuously. One minute I am happy and the next it is all over.  I have been walking on egg shells in the new house around him and I know for a fact that his actions are my problem. 

He left and went home last week, I went to get some food and he just left. No note, text or..  Any normal person would have been puzzled but for me it was just the same horror and loss of the day I came home from work and he had left. The feeling is like someone has died, in fact the day I got the call to say Bryan had died felt the same. The gut wrenching loss deep in my tummy was unbearable. I was shaking as I called him, not expecting him to answer. 

2024- I went into work that night. I hadn't slept but the thought of staying in my house on my own filled me with horror. The was the most unprofessional night of my life. I work in a psych ward. An acute psych ward and a patient caught me crying at the nurses desk and I had to dive into the nurses office to avoid the look of concern and pity I thought I saw. He waited patiently for me to return and I put on my clown face and pretended that it was just something that had happened on the ward. He accepted it and walked away.

I could'nt eat, I couldn't sleep and to add to it, all my well meaning friends on shift with me where telling me I will do better and to stop being a door mat to every passing stray that spins me a line. I just wanted the world to swallow me up. I wanted to disappear into a black hole and never come out. Here I was on an acute psych ward and I had more problems than half the patients. I didn't want the shift to end. Opening the door to my empty house I was filled with the most immense sadness and hatred for myself.

I didn't eat for days and when he finally messaged me I found myself again begging for him to give me something to hold onto.. He kept saying 'it was difficult FOR HIM' 'why didn't I think of things from HIS perspective' 'He needed time to mend from the trauma of LEAVING ME'! YES! I was again in the wrong.. I had been left while I was working and came home to a Dear John and I was being told to be more understanding, to be more loving and accepting. Because, of course that had been all my fault. I hadn't cleaned the house enough, I hadn't earned enough money, been grateful enough, been thin enough, pretty enough.. you name it, every single under mining, soul destroying, self esteem breaking thing was being told to me and I as the failing partner had only myself to blame for him leaving and I took it. I absorbed it like a sponge, cushioning myself against each infraction I had unknowingly commited.

I can't trust this man with me anymore. He came back; yes. He said sorry; yes. But, I don't trust him with my heart anymore. He said some horrible things on Sunday that I just can't forgive him for. I have looked into myself and yes I know he was just stressing but shit harsh doesn't cover it. Every other weekend.. so no Thursday and now every weekend. Do I accept this? No, I should have walked away a long time ago. This relationship was never going to work.

Why do we continue to love someone who isn't what we need? I don't know the answer. I don't want to hurt anyone but I need my needs met too. I hope he will be happy living his life alone because I will move on and find someone to treat me like a princess.