Dearest Mother,

I love you so very much mommy. I really appreciate all that you have done for my sisters and I while we were growing up. I had a wonderful childhood, particularly enjoying all the quality time we spent together. I know that you always did the best that you could for us, and you have been a wonderful role model. Hopefully, you are proud of the way we all turned out. I think, we are all amazing individuals. You raised us all to be so close to each other, so we could always be open in our communications to each other. I know that I fell off from that for a while, living three hours behind your time zone on the opposite side of the country, attempting to lead my own life.

On top of missed timing, it is also not always easy to communicate certain pieces of information over the phone nor in person with so many extra people around. Especially during the moments I’m already concerned about everything you have happening in your life. You may be the mother, but I am extremely protective of you and my sisters. I did not want to add to any troubles you may already be experiencing.

With that being said, I do have something to tell you that I have been holding in for a while, unsure of how or when to tell you, and worrying that it may affect the way that you think of me. I had procrastinated because of my fear of judgment, this has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me.

Honestly, as the years passed, it got easier to just not speak it after holding it in for as long as I have but, I cannot keep going on acting like it did not happen because, it did happen, and it needs to come into the light. I have no desire to be anything other than transparent with you or anyone, and it takes way too much energy to hide anything, especially this. Hopefully after reading this, you can understand why it has taken so long for me to open this conversation, though I have had countless opportunities to broach it.

I have been apprehensive that it might change the way you see me, after all this was the cause of my judgement and resentment towards myself for over three years, until it finally spurred me towards my healing and spiritual awakening. If you need time, I will happily give that to you because, I needed time to process the emotions that I have encountered along this journey. I am far from finished by any means, I still have a copious amount of work ahead of me, but with these new insights I was able to change my perspective which finally allowed me to communicate about this event in my life.

Remember when, we were all grieving Meme’s passing away shortly after she came home on life support. While we were trying to celebrate Tina’s pregnancy with little Ricky. Also, around the time we had all those problems with Casey when she had her breakdown, but we thought it was drugs before we knew what was happening. All of which was difficult to deal with, let alone process, especially while I was living on the other side of the country, feeling helpless and mad at myself for not being there to help support you all. The entire time you told me that you would manage okay with all of this, even thought I was not there.

At that time, I already felt so alone, I know that I really was not alone, and I will never truly be alone, I still felt alone. I may have been staying with a supportive family, but that did not stop me from throwing myself into my work at Michaels as way to deal. It allowed me to avoid all the emotions from what was happening. Yet it still was not enough, and I felt like I really needed to numb myself just a little bit more, that it would somehow make it all easier to deal with, but it really did not. If anything, it compounded my problems; my depression continued to grow regardless of what I tried. I should have just come home for a while.

Instead, I went out for a weekend rave with my group of friends at the time, we have since grown apart. Anyway, we all drank way more alcohol than any individual should consume, and I tried ecstasy more than once. In the moment it was extremely elevating and freeing, but I knew the feeling would not last. About two weeks after the rave, I realized that my period was late, so I took a test to learn that I was indeed pregnant. At first, I was excited, like you, I had always dreamed of having my own baby one day. It would be like growing my own best friend, my own mini-me. It felt like a gift from the universe.

I knew that it was not going to be easy, but I thought it would be okay. The family that I was living with surely would not let me stay while raising a baby, if they did not let their own child do that. In the moment though, I had the mindset that I would just figure it out because, that is what mom’s do. After the fact, I learned they would have helped me in other ways, such as find my own place. I was foolish to even doubt that, but it never came to that.

When I talked to my partner, he was less than excited, completely unprepared, and extremely concerned about what the effect of our past weekend would be. There was a large chance the baby would have serious health risks. I was completely prepared to raise the baby on my own if I needed to, after all if my mom could do it, so could I, even if I needed to go home. However, I had not even considered the possibility of health concerns before that moment. I just never imagined that I would already have put my baby in a harmful situation, I never even imagined that I would do anything classified as a drug before that year. Just further evidence of my personal unbalance and inability to process what was happening.

I decided to speak with my best friend who was living proof of the risks that could occur to a baby in our situation. She held so much resentment towards her mom because of all the health issues she must deal with daily. Our conversation provoked countless thought on my behalf. I know it was not the same exact situation as mine because I was not as far along, but it did not feel right to expect my unborn child to risk going through what she did, because of a decision I made when I was not in a good place mentally and emotionally. Making decisions while being in a bad place became the theme for the rest of my decisions throughout this process.

After consulting with a doctor, I decided the best course of action was to have an abortion. It is not something I ever thought that I would consider in my life, you know how anti-abortion I used to be. It may have been what I thought was best at that time, but I was so disappointed in myself; I did not tell anyone except my partner and friend. I have held it in for so many years mom, I really hated myself for it. That is why I stopped calling and messaging as much, why I tried to fall off the face of the Earth, I just could not even face myself. I went through the process completely alone, that was my own punishment for going through with it. I was alone lying-in bed, unable to move from the crippling pain of forcing myself to have a miscarriage while mentally and emotionally beating myself to a pulp.

Bouncing back from this took a long time with years of processing, a few plant-medicine experiences, a spiritual awakening to pull myself out of my depression, so much healing, and an extreme amount of self-care and love. Now after the fact, I know that I did not have to go through that alone at all. I would have had the support that I needed, if not more, if I only shared what was happening, not so determined to hold it so closely to my heart as a form of personal retribution.

People who come to these decisions, usually do not choose so lightly, I know that I did not. It is crazy to think about how publicly attacked this topic is right now, and heart breaking to think that someone in a more extreme situation than I, like victims of rape, might not be able to have the right to do what is best for themselves, as I had to do. It is a painful experience all the way around- physically, emotionally, and mentally without an attack from the public for exercising your own free will of your own body. It makes no sense for this right to be attacked when it is personal to each individual going through this circumstance.

It is not a graceful learning experience and while, I do not completely understand the reasoning behind this lesson yet, I have since realized that I choose to experience this situation that way. It was a painful, but I have learned so much, and thinking back, I have decided that I really did what was best for me in the end. It has taught me how to better accept the support of those around me because, I do not have to do everything alone, it has allowed me to see abortion in new light, and it has helped me to become the person I am now. It has been a process, but I have come to love who I am.

Take all the time you need mom, I will always love you, even if you cannot face me for a while. I understand.