Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

We have a different type of bond and this might sound weird but sometimes I think I like it. I’ve never told you this but most times it feels more like you're the little big sister I will never have. I’m so tickled typing this because our relationship has always been up and down. I can see you now rolling your eyes at me while looking over your glasses if you were actually reading this. I thought it would be healthy and amusing to write you a letter like I used to when I was a kid and would slide it under your door.

It got to the point where anytime I would write, everyone thought I had an attitude or was “talking junk” about them in my journal literally anytime someone saw me writing. When I was younger I used to think that we didn’t get along or maybe you just didn’t like me but I took the time out to realize that we just have different personalities. I used to believe we could be closer than what we are by now and we just aren’t. We don’t have as much of anything in common as I might like. It’s ok though because probably the only thing I do enjoy is that we can always share a good laugh together.

You probably don’t know this but, when I was younger I used to feel like you never really saw me or heard me most times and all I can say is thank you. That made it so much easier for me to feel comfortable being outspoken now as an adult. I never had the courage to tell you just how much you really hurt my feelings daily but my love for you as my mother would always over power any negative feeling I could have ever had. I still thank you, because now that I have my own daughter I now realize that if not anything else you at least taught me what type of mother not to be.

I spent my entire childhood waiting for you to be a mother to now spend my adulthood reminding you that you actually have a daughter. I’ve smiled in your face for years on end without you taking the time to notice my hurt or pain, and what did I do after that? I continued to love you just the same as I always have as you continued to ignore me. Anytime you need help with anything I’m usually the one you call & I have always hated that.

It’s like I love you but I really just don’t like you as a person very much sometimes. You never have time to listen to anything I have to say & I’m always giving you advice or listening to you talk about you. I always find myself tuning you out and scrolling through facebook when we talk in person or on the phone. When I see you I’m instantly annoyed even though I still smile anyways because I’m just no longer interested in continuing this fake mother daughter charade. I’m not as mean and unempathetic as you are so I would never outright hurt your feelings and say these things to you knowing that your feelings would be hurt.

The craziest thing of all is that I’m certain that you wouldn’t do the same if the shoe were on the other foot. I never understood why you feel so comfortable with telling me about the bad decisions you have made but you get upset when I tell you that you never had to go through any of those things. Its weird to me that the only time it feels like we actually get along for a few minutes is when I’m entertaining your ignorance and that’s draining.

I knew I might even be crazy the way I laughed hysterically about you convincing my step dad to cut down a 50 foot tree for someone knowing good and well that he had no insurance. No one would ever really believe half of the stories I could tell them about you even if I tried so I just don’t. It’s mentally draining me to continue to hold your crazy tales in.

Signed,

A Daughter With A Crazy Mama