Dance Drama

1997 was an all around crap year for me. Within the first three weeks my little sister, along with five others, was killed in a horrible accident involving two semi trucks. Aside from the shock of her sudden death, trauma dealing with the knowledge she would need a closed casket viewing, and going through all the firsts with out her; there were the people to deal with. Our community is small, so news of the accident spread quickly and everyone knew about it. Everywhere I went people, even those I didn’t know, would either lower their heads avoiding eye contact or stop me to mumble apologies for my loss. Our home was constantly filled with people coming to give their sympathies. I am an introvert, and naturally awkward, so these interactions were rather draining and embarrassing. I was very thankful everyone was more than willing to be there for us though, it was a difficult time.

The most embarrassing experience came later in the year. The high school Spring Fling dance was coming up and the school informed me I was one of three nominated for the chance to be crowned queen for the dance. This was a massive shock to me; I was shy and most certainly not in the popular crowd. My self-esteem was boosted, little old nobody me had been nominated! That is until I was informed my date would need to escort me onto the gym floor, during an assembly, in front of the entire school. 😲

I didn’t have a date, no one had asked me, and this was back in the day when a girl didn’t ask a boy unless it was a girl’s choice dance. This was not a girl’s choice, so I waited and waited figuring for sure if I was nominated to be queen some boy in this school liked me and would ask me to go with him. Realization finally dawned on me about a week before the dance; I was a charity case. I hadn’t been nominated because others thought I was cute or smart or fun; I was nominated because my sister was dead and everyone felt bad.

A few days before the assembly I still didn’t have a date or someone to escort me onto the gym floor. Bolstered by my charity case status I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and approach my high school crush. I wouldn’t ask him to the dance of course, that would just be weird, but surly he would be willing to escort me out for the school assembly. I didn’t know his phone number so I waited for the perfect moment at school. There it was I thought as I started down an empty hall then saw him coming towards me.

Building all the courage I had, as the gap between us closed, I was still shaking.

“Hey Elliot,” I said with an awkward half wave at my waistline. That was stupid I thought why did you try to wave.

He bobbed his head a little as he looked at me.

He acknowledged me! I was ecstatic, and terrified now especially looking into those chocolate eyes; they were so gorgeous! He is going to pass you soon, say something I thought.

“Um, Elliot, um, so, um, you know the assembly coming up?” Stupid stupid of course he knows it.

A confused look he stopped a few feet from me, “yeah.”

Well, ah, you know I’m nominated for the chance to be queen?”

With a quizzical look he said, “sure.”

Hastily moving on before I lost my nerve the words tumbled out, “uh, I need an escort to walk me out during the assembly and, uh um, I was wondering would you be my escort?”

Blank stare

Blank stare

Blank stare

Panic was taking over my mind now. He was supposed to smile and say yes right away, that’s how it played out in my mind. Trying to salvage the situation and awkward silence I cleared my throat and said, “ah just for the assembly, you don’t have to take me to the dance.”

A distraught look he said, “no, I don’t think so.”

Totally devastated and shocked I fumbled for words, “ah ok, well, um see ya.” And off I went before the tears began to flow. What kind of pathetic low-life I must be that someone didn’t even want to spend a few minutes walking next to me.

Assembly day arrived and the gym was nicely decorated ready for the dance that night. I stood outside the gym door listening to the student’s excited chatter inside. And then they started, the chatter died down as the principal announced “I know everyone is excited for tonight and to know the results of your votes for the queen and king. Before we share the names though, let’s bring out the nominees!”

Music began to play and several gorgeous, popular, outgoing students with cute dates at their side went in as their names were announced. I started shaking like a leaf before my name was even called. An older kid, the son of one my mom's friends whom she asked to come rescue me, said, “We are up, let’s go.” We walked through the balloon arch a spotlight shining on us as I shakily walked to the middle of the floor, thankful someone was there to help steady me. Oddly enough I still held hope that I might actually be crowned queen. I certainly wasn’t surprised though when the names were announced, the student body cheering wildly, as a fake crown was placed on the head of the girl next to me. She and the crowned king were placed on “thrones” and told they would have the honor of dancing the first song that night. Thank goodness it wasn’t me I thought, there’s no way I would dance in front of the school. All I wanted to do was get out of there; mercifully they excused the rest of us. I headed to the side of the bleachers where my mom had been watching; she hugged me and told me I was beautiful and should have been queen, but she was my mom and had to say stuff like that. I held the tears at bay until I got home to my room and then they poured out drenching my pillow.

I’m not sure whose idea it was to nominate me, or why they thought it might be a nice thing to do for the poor kid who lost her sister. I’m sure they had the best of intentions and hoped it might bring some joy into my life. Instead it was reminder that I was a nobody, and left me feeling like no one would ever like me or want me. I was the only kid in front of the entire school without an actual date. The only kid that had to have their mom beg a friend's son to escort them out, because I couldn’t even get someone willing to do that.

I learned a lot in 1997. Mostly I learned that loss and grief suck! When someone you know experiences a loss don’t try to avoid them or look away when you see them in public. I learned that sometimes people with the best of intentions actually make things worse. Most important, I learned that life can go on after loss and rejection. I still dream about my little sister and wake up sad that she isn't really here with us. I haven’t thought about the trauma of that assembly in years and years, I found someone who loves me for me and we have been happily married for almost 16 years.

If you’d like to read another story about my awkward younger years check out this one.

If you’d like to read about my sister’s death click on this one below.