Creator of Chaos

I began my school years as the annoying kid with no friends. Growing up, I was always left alone by myself for recess until I switched schools for grade eight. My last year of elementary was spent carefully selecting my social circle since they would be the ones accompanying me into high school. I would only consider those who clearly dressed the part and wore upscale brands. I needed friends who were trendy, who would have all the boys around them. I couldn’t get the attention of any of the super cool kids at this new school because they had the same mindset, and I couldn’t meet their expectations. Because of my “too good for you” attitude my family held at such high standards I spent my time alone before I would make any friends in this new school. I went to city dances, which were held at a local hall. Kids from every school would attend, get sugar highs and run around crazy trying to find their crush to slow dance with. This is where I found my first friends’ group in my life. They were one year younger and went to a different school, but they were so called “popular”, so I stuck with them. This created the mindset that I really was queen bee. I felt like I finally was accepted for who I was, which was the cool girl, and I would do anything to maintain that mindset. Somewhere between the stereotypical movies I grew up on and sick humor, I found it socially acceptable to point out every flaw in those around me and call it joking around. What began as sarcasm turned into straight up bullying, and the more people that laughed at my insults disguised as a “joke” the more it enabled me to keep people interested in me. Halfway through high school, I began another new school in another new city, despite me not living in this city. My mother gave me permission for everything I asked for and was my partner in crime during these few years of my life. She was my best friend, and she wanted me to be happy. I went to school 20 minutes away from where I lived and made new connections that helped shape me into who I am today. It was here that my unintentional rude comments shifted into deliberate and intentional bullying. Once I began at this new school, I began skipping class to get high and shoplift candy from convenience stores. I remember clearly, one day I was at a clothing store with one of my friends, and she wanted to shop lift a new pair of shoes. In her defense, she was a child. She was also in foster care, and her current shoes were so worn down the heel was walking on bare pavement. I didn’t support lifting this time, because it felt like too big of an item to steal. Nevertheless, I watched her as she did, and we continued around the store until our next class began in 30 minutes. She ended up getting caught, as the security guard was suspicious and began watching us on the cameras the minute we walked in. I just got lucky I didn’t steal that day, but I stayed with her while the police were called and she was escorted home. She got abused that night when she got back to her foster home before they removed her from school immediately and sent her to a new family. It would take 10 years and an accidental run in at a play group for our kids for me reconnect and have the chance to ask what happened to her when she got home that day.

I continued with my street rat ways while recruiting more and more people to not care about their futures anymore like I didn’t. When I would get home, I would inform my mother of my day and what I got. To her it was a contest, as she told me about a stack of red jeans she once stole from the same mall I had just shop lifted in. When I wasn’t skipping school and causing mischief, I was always planning a party with my friends. I was never invited to any large parties that had students from multiple schools attend. I only ever hosted parties and had up to 10 people attend each time. With these 10 people I was able to get drunk and dance, living life as if this is what there was to live for. When I’d return to school, I’d go through the camera roll demonstrating just how fun I thought we were in hopes more people would want to party with me the next time. My mother made sure to capture every moment for us 14-year-olds to look back on, and everyone loved to hear about what we were up to. This was a foreign lifestyle to them as none of them got together to drink.

I spent the first 3 years of high-school living as an rambunctious teenager, truly believing this was normal behavior with no consequence. I was constantly frustrated and felt empty in myself. I was doing everything I was taught to do to make friends, but it wasn’t working. Even when I did make friends, the circumstances didn't quite feel right. My life felt like it wasn’t even mine, and I felt like someone else was taking over me and making me become this monster. Of course, no one was taking over my body; in fact, I was creating my own reality each day I chose to be this miserable person. When I turned 16 years old, my mother walked out on me and my 3 younger siblings. They went into foster care while I got an apartment in the city my school was in. I became friends with people I met online to try to try to overcome this bottomless feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I even began dating one charming young man that I regretfully whipped around for a couple years before ghosting him. I always felt like a fraud though, and I felt like I lost control of my life before I even got the opportunity to choose it. I attempted suicide at almost 17 years old, because I felt there was no force on Earth that could turn my life around. No one liked me no matter how much I changed, my boyfriend lived in American while I lived in Canada, and every other person who would walk into my life would come to destroy me. I was unsuccessful in my attempt to end my life, which is the greatest blessing that could come. You see, when you are down in these types of situations, there is no light at the end of the tunnel and there is nothing that you can see worth living for. All you can do is give yourself more time and decide what you want your life to be like. “How can I make my life my own?” I asked myself day in and day out. I began working on my karma, without thinking of it in that way. I decided to change my attitude and begin with simply being kind to people. This proved to also be unfulfilling, as I uplifted everyone around me and got absolutely nothing in return. Over time, I finally created balance within myself. This balance consisted of spiritual practice to align my energy with my higher consciousness, and to create the life I couldn’t dream of having. I cut all ties with anyone around me who did not have positive intentions in my life, which left me with next to no friends, but I was happy. My routine began to change, as I no longer exercised out of disgust for my body, but instead practiced yoga to align my body with spirit. I stopped chasing people down in attempts to prove what a loyal friend I could be. I was finally content in my own space with my own presence. By being genuine to myself and only focusing on my personal growth, my energy changed. I could feel my energy change, which I understand will absolutely sound absurd to anyone who does not practice mindful yoga. I felt a genuine spark radiating inside of me, and this spark created this desire to get off the couch, to move more. I felt energized and taught myself how to play the piano, and then how to play the flute. Then one day, I did something my mother told me I could never do. I began singing. This felt like the final band aid I had to rip off. The feeling of my vocal cords moving felt electric as I sang notes I didn’t expect to come from me. I do not sound like a traditional musician these days; I sound like a classical Disney princess straight out of the Disney vault. Maybe it’s my inner child coming out after all. This unlocked a new spiritual level for me, and my body has never been the same since. I spend my days floating through my tasks, and I have a genuine happiness that I couldn’t get from anyone before. I have this mindset that the world is mine for the taking, and that everything that is meant for me will come to me. My outlook on life is that life is only miserable for the people who choose to be miserable, and those who are miserable only need to be loved into their place. Unkind words and mindless actions do not have space in my life today. Since I have come into this new place of consciousness, different people now cross my path. The law of attraction has always been strong in my life. Back in the day, I would get the rudest people surrounding me without me searching for them. Today, everybody is sweet. Everybody wants what is best for me, and they want a genuine dialogue. From my waitresses at bars to the moms at the park and even my Uber drivers, every single person without fail is someone who can learn from me, and I can learn from them.

How can you live in true happiness if you are not living out your true purpose? How can you know your true purpose if you are not centered in yourself? I was sheltered before, and my mind made myself believe all kinds of evil things about the world and about myself. These thoughts will drown you, and in some cases like mine, can drive one to want to give it all up for good. This lifestyle I have accepted puts the focus onto what matters: myself on the inside. Changing yourself on the inside will change the world around you. When you can sleep knowing you were true to yourself, you shine. As of today, I am a creator. I have a miniscule group of like-minded friends, and for the first time ever, I love that I don’t have an excessive number of friends. I also have a collection of strangers I’ve come across only once in my life, but they have given me the best memories. Aside from the good people, the most important aspect of my life is the fact that I can now write books, create music, and just let loose in the ways I was too insecure about before. My life never felt in control, not even in my most distant toddler memories. Life was chaos, until it just wasn’t anymore. I’m not here to say attributes like mine used to be and suicide attempts can simply be positively spoken to go away; on the contrary, because doctors are still a vital part of the healing process. I had my time in my therapists’ office who helped guide me through practical mediations to find myself, and these are practices I couldn’t have known without her professional assistance. What I will say there is only so much that doctors can do to fix your mental well being when we have our mind stuck in the past and what is wrong. You must decide for yourself what you need, but in a depressed state of mind, a consultation with a doctor is best to be anyone’s first contact. Just keep yourself safe until your mentality is more uplifted and life isn’t so heavy anymore.

I used to be the wannabe hotshot socialite, the street rat and the homeless teen who picked on others for validation, but today I am none of that. Like energy attracts like energy, and everything that is meant for you will come to you. If it is not ready yet, it will come into your life when it is. A miracle happened to me, and that miracle was realization and redemption and a second chance at love. One night after meditating myself to sleep, I had a dream that I was looking at a pencil sketch and this sketch led me to my future husband. I woke up that morning glowing, because my dreams are linked to my reality. Because of this dream, I knew I would find love soon. I opened Facebook out of habit immediately after waking up to be welcomed by Facebook Memories, which for that day was a pencil sketch of me done by my American boyfriend over ten years ago. This made me think about him for the first time since I left him, and curiosity led to his profile, which led to him now being my fiancé. My childhood boyfriend I had never met before became my life partner over a decade later once we were both ready to be in love.

Maybe my childhood wasn’t so bad after-all. Maybe this life was just filled with lessons to learn and karmic ties to be unknotted before bringing me back to what was mine all those years ago. I can’t imagine anything in my life I would have if I had not have had the experiences I did to shape me into the loving, forgiving and motivational person I am today. Whether my life goes exactly as I’d like it to doesn’t matter anymore. I have myself and my truth, and my life has inspired others to save their own lives too. Life is not easy, but it is yours to change. For better or for worse, my life is mine to create, and that truth is where my happiness lies