COVID... I'M SHUT IN... WAITING, Wishing IT be gone. I want out!

(PROLOGUE)

** Triggered thoughts, by a covid post I shared with my comment--- Now deleted -Go figure! I honestly just read the headline. Was freaked. Angered me. DID NOT care to read the article. NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT-From day one... BUT GET THAT EVIL NEWS anyway FROM EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE! WHY CAN'T I HIDE AWAY, IGNORE it, Till IT'S NO LONGER HERE OR SPOKEN OF? **

Blog post began with my comment on POST SHARED... Summed up the headline below.

My Perspective / Inner Wisdom /Self- Respect Pursuit is feeling restless.

WOW!

"50% of people vaxed presented cardiac issues within 24 hours of injection"

Bonnie Eglin Jan 21 2023 8:17am

" GLAD I didn't get vaccine ( Never liked needles- DEFINIITE experiment fear--- OH AND THE BRIBERY and comply with Mandates or no admittance - MADE ME SAY "NO").

I HAVE CP- Sitting, I thought Would make me more susceptible to blood clots. BUT YIKES!

*My Blog comment* 8:22am Jan. 21, 2023*

My Perspective / Inner Wisdom /Self- Respect Pursuit

" Yeah Besides Smoking a pack of cigars a day -doesn't reduce risk."

UH YEP, GLAD!

GUESS I'LL Keep being a shut in! BUT MY SOUL /HEART ( mentally, emotionally ) Doesn't KNOW IF I CAN LAST ANOTHER 3 yrs NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE? SIGH! ....AGAIN I CRY. JO COME SAVE ME PLEASE!

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't -FEAR & resistance both ways Tug-of-War, has been my mind- MY Life for 14 months (When I thought: I WANT OUT! WHO WILL COAX ME OUT? WHO WILL I FEEL SAFE TO GO OUT WITH? TEACHER... " Jo Jorgensen🤩, [MY HS Teacher "Mom"] D.?🙏( But she said No when I asked😞) LIKE

" Pretty please MOM" . WAAH, FOR ME...

But it was only A DREAM Jo Jo came for me FEB 12, 2022. ONLY A DREAM IDIOT! Let it go! ... But still Heart -MIND SAYS, "NO'" -SOLID. WON'T Let go of the idea of FANTASY- BECOMING TRUE!

I DIDN'T know about heart issues till later in Covid mutation.

I DIDN'T want to see, hear, read -KNOW anything about the monster!

BUT WAS/IS INESCAPABLE- EVERYBODY CONSUMED >>>

"Sigh" STILL NOT WANTING TO GO ANYWHERE- as long as there is 'mention' [of Covid].

**Which sadly another blogger I follow with CP, mentioned yesterday was her birthday- RUINED by a positive covid test!! WHAT? 3 years of this SHIT... ENOUGH! GO AWAY DAMN IT!**

BUT WANT OUT OF THIS HOUSE AWAY FROM MY ADDICTIVE substances ( SUGAR: TOBACCO: CAFFINE )& Want AWAY FROM STUFF & PEOPLE I BEEN WITH 365 for going on 3 yrs* But can't be with my beloved PT from childhood, hanging out with her [at her new PT facility either... SAD BEGGING anyway]

A FEW EDITS WITHIN A FEW HOURS- I transfer here. To save and EXPAND THOUGHTS- Deleting Blog post Jan.22 7:16am.

My Struggle :

I'm so tired of feeling fear. I'm so tired of being here, Plagued by my mind.

CONSUMPTION of unhealthy things is RAVENOUS)- AND I'm just eating, consuming it because it's there. I DON'T EVEN WANT IT! But my addict out-of-control brain says I can't waste food..." It costs too much!"

EATING: Baklava, 7 -9 dozen Christmas cookies & Chocolates. SUGAR, daily for a MONTH... But I KNOW IT'S TOO MUCH. IT'S GONNA GIVE ME DIABETES. * THANKFULLY I DIDN'T EAT ANY OF THE typically doled out 3 LBS OF FUDGE*

Sigh, I have been cranky, restless- EATING JUNK FOOD I DO NOT WANT, CHAIN SMOKING CIGARS, ON MY SECOND POT OF COFFEE TODAY.

**After going 13 days without, drinking only 1-3 cups of water a day...While I'm experimenting with this Better Bladder supplement- Hoping for some relief. I started taking Jan. 9th. I think I'm noticing more time in between bathroom visits. But It says expect 8 weeks for full effect experience. I HOPE IT HELPS! **

Drinking it insatiably ( While pissed off I'm spilling it everywhere!)- AND trying to refrain because... Sorry, TMI INFO: I've dealt with accidents my entire life once a day. BUT now since July, incontinence happens- 3-5 times a day...

And yes, I have used disposable underwear for about 20 years-- JUST WETTING THROUGH THEM since the second half of 2022. Always having {Because of it being worn to expose cushion and wood} a wet wheelchair seat, clothes & floors -SO DEFEATED I don't even want to be here. Feeling trapped by clutter, can't move in my room in my chair WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT ON THINGS, not wanting to bathe or put clothes away anymore. Don't want to be in my room at all...but it's where I sleep. ASLO WHERE MY BATHTUB is installed (weird place for a tub to me too) because I cant fit in bathroom with my chair or take showers independently using a shower chair, AND They cause me pain to sit on. Never really liked the drowned rat feeling either** AS OF LATELY... In these last 3 months- I have struggled to sleep- Up in and out of bed several times a night. Hell I've gone at least 10x having 24+hr days NOT SLEEPING AT ALL. I've been Pulling out my hair, habit since 2016.... BUT TODAY IT'S JUST BECAUSE I'M ANGRY -TIRED OF FEELING LIKE, There's no escape from my stuff, surrounding, addictions/habits, CLUTTER.... NO ESCAPE from roommates. NO ESCAPE FROM MYSELF.... NO SAFE SPACE. Only want to be with Teacher, or PT.

WEARING DOWN!

NOW CALLING IN DESPERATION for my beloved PT. Because Monday morning, Jan, 23. 23, I dreamed I WAS WITH HER... and we held each other's hands. Oh the peace I felt - I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP!

Find myself wishing for a safe space do go. I NEED A BREAK, A CHANGE OF SCENERY. I WANT MY TEACHER MOMS TO COME TAKE MY WITH THEM. I WANT MY BELOVED PT from the 90's- COME GET ME OUT OF HERE. I NEED YOU! GET MY ASS UP OUT OF MY CHAIR. OUT THE DOOR, "On the BALL"* Exercise BALL . Figuratively -MOTIVATE ME TO MOVE!

I CRY FOR A TIME MACHINE, WHERE I CAN ESCAPE TODAY'S REALITY consumed by: COVID, FEARS, INFLATION, Medical issues I worry I'm about to face-THE RESISTENCE PULLING ME BACK LIKE, I'm on a CHOCKER CHAIN LEASH- IT STOPS ME, if I EVEN CONSIDER JUST Throwing caution to the wind AND BUSTING OUT THE DOOR... I WON'T.

Yearning to go back in time to take refuge, find joy, security, care motivation, love. RESTORE ME TO ME THAT WASN'T COMPLETELY OPPOSED TO GOING OUT IN PUBLIC, FEARFUL & REFUSING TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.

I CRY FOR A TIME MACHINE TO GO BACK "HOME" ...

Be there with my beloved PT. I CRY TO GO BACK TO MY SAFE SPACE! I WANT A SAFE PLACE TO GO!

... BUT there are NONE that exist in today...

Oh Why ARE THERE NOT TIME MACHINES???