Could It Have Been Because of Me...?

Hello.

I know that I've been in something of a humorous, lite-hearted mood lately ("The Bachelor"/"The One;" false accounts of "Dream" sequences where my old crushes [under different names] all vied for MY attention for a change??? "Hanna, the Barberian;" really???)

Not today.

Today is a serious reflection on a serious subject.

I think it was the Summer of 2017 when the #MeToo movement really gained steam. Finally; victims of misconduct perpetrated by some of media's biggest names felt the courage to come forth and share their stories in solidarity. At long last, some of Hollywood's biggest wigs and worst offenders were being taken to task.

The world noticed. At long last, some of media's most visible figureheads actually had to answer for their more atrocious behavior. It was a beginning; but was it an end? Hollywood's worst offenders were finally being taken to task. But did this problem END with Hollywood directors, actors/actresses, and assorted media personalities? Should the SOLUTION end there...?

In what may have been 2017, hundreds, if not THOUSANDS, of brave victims, men and women, young and old, took to Social Media to boldly share their "MeToo" horror stories and stand in solidarity with others. So many other stories were likely unshared; and that is just fine as well. It can be difficult to open up about; let alone remember. (By the way, if you're a survivor at the hands of an aggressor who hasn't seen justice yet and this topic is too sensitive for your eyes to peruse any longer, I understand that too. A person's psychie is more important than my read count).

Okay; the #MeToo movement gained national notoriety FOUR YEARS ago (at least). What is the point of broaching this subject NOW? Am I really here to AWAKEN bad memories for a victim of assault/harassment?

(If it even needs to be said, "no.")

Victims of assault or harassment now realize that they no longer need to sit back in shameful silence. Those who would potentially perpetrate such actions can now reflect for an extra moment; then do the right thing and walk away from their potential prey. This isn't only about victims and perpetrators; it does involve ME somewhere...

**************************

I remember who I was when I arrived at THE Grand Valley State University for the first time. I was a lad of 20 with 12 years of public schooling and two years of Community College under my belt. I had also spent a lifetime being single and had arrived at a campus whose student body was maybe 65% gorgeous coeds/35% guys (who, in all fairness, may or may not have appealed to that 65% margin).

Upon arriving at school, I met "Campus Ministry..." within three short days of my arrival and was introduced to the concept of what looked like the female/male ratio of university dynamics; in a smaller microcosm that, potentially, shared at least SOMETHING in common with one another...

Fast forward to the end of September and I'm 21 now (in my first semester. Remember, I'd done my time with Community College too). Then, a buddy of mine and I met at least five other really nice, rather attractive girls during one of CM's weekend activities. I met HER; (and SHE even deserves an actual NAME. It's 11:06 at night now and I don't feel like breaking momentum to look back at "Bachelor;" we'll call her "Hillary.")

It wasn't the last that I'd seen of Hillary. I'd seek her out at the weekly "Young Life" campus meetings (whoops). She'd actually patiently wait around as I talked to her ("SCORE!") Furthermore, I'd come to find out that many of the Campus Min./YL Women at GV were prone to offering out, and receiving, the affectionate embrace.

I was a lifelong single guy (not by choice) up until this point. Jr. High/High School were already absolute nightmares as I decided within 2 seconds of eye-contact on my next fancy that I'd longingly pine for this attractive young lady who was way out of my league. No more! I was going to take this one slowly; get to KNOW Hillary first...

Elapsed time of "carefully getting to know her" before my heart overrode my brain at the very thought of her: two weeks...

In November, I couldn't take it anymore and I did ask for her number (ohhhhhhhh...) With rapid fire thinking, she gently and politely coaxed me to try looking her up on Facebook instead. "Hillary," great gal pal and fellow CM person, had just become my muse to join Social Media. (THEN, she was the first person that night to say YES! I had my first Facebook friend!)

November, December, January; by February, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know if Hillary was in a relationship. I didn't know if she was willing to even SEE ME as more than a friend. I HAD to know the truth!

In high school, it gets very easy, very quickly, to find out who's paired off and who isn't. In COLLEGE, not so much when hallways become an entire campus, and you, obviously, don't share every single class with nearly as many classmates to know these things.

It was time to man up; to swing for the fences. It was time to...put my heart out there for the very first time and expect RESULTS in return (...at the age of 21 and 5 months).

Me: "I like you."

She: "Flattered; but possibly seeing someone else..."

(Warm embrace that Hillary very likely means out of sympathy; but 21 year old hormones are just not listening right now in one another's arms)...

February-November: "Okay; sure I'm hurting but why even broach the subject at all? I KNOW she's seeing someone else. Besides, it's not like I want her to feel guilty or anything! I'll just play cool; we'll do what we did as FRIENDS!"

Me: (Scoping the room for her).

She: (Politely waiting for me to speak).

Us: Embrace in farewell.

"Friends, cool; like nothing's changed..."

December: (I've unwrapped a gift-exchange gift that I really see no use for. Who could I possibly...)

She: "...Uh; I'm not so sure about that. I don't feel comfortable taking it. Oh; and about our traditional greetings..."

Me: "Oh."

(Inner Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What have you done NOW?")

...I guess that I had specifically forgotten to mention that I was back to only viewing her as a friend and, therefore, that was why we were ACTING as we always had as friends (Because, for as unnerving as it was to have DMF [Define-My-Feelings] conversation, THAT conversation where I was turning OFF my romantic pursuits was going to go over so well).

*************************

So, Hillary had made herself clear in a harsher term than she had meant to because I was (and AM) a social-pinhead when it comes to the fairer sex. So, Hillary changed into "Michaela" (Met Junior Year Spring Break Trip; THAT conversation: SENIOR Year Spring Break Trip); ...into "Raquel" (met Sophomore Year Spring Break Trip almost three weeks after Hillary's rejection; THAT conversation: ...November of my first Semester of Grad School; and only after knowing her for three and half years and beginning to pine for her within three WEEKS of establishing a hanging-out-friendship [my exact words: "...kind of-sort of starting to like you...]).

Who, exactly, am I to blame for THAT when my Defining-My-Feelings Conversation in the MIDDLE OF STUDENT UNION wasn't taken seriously enough...?

**************************

At least there was always Facebook to keep up with old friends.

I used to use Facebook ALL OF THE TIME to drop little anecdotes on people's walls every couple of weeks or leave them messages.

A lot of the people I did this for were some of the guys I used to hang out with on campus and the community of "Brothers" who had really helped me along in college. One of the GIRLS who I consistently did this for *might have been* (was definitely...) Hillary; right up until around July of 2016.

After years of an established social media repartee (she WAS my first online buddy), she went from responding in maybe a couple of hours; to a couple of weeks (with apologies on her part); to letting my end of a conversation hang; to...

Oh by the way; we're no longer Facebook Friends and "conveniently," I can't seem to find the profile to rectify that.

Did I actually assault this young woman? With nothing more physical than an embrace (that may or may not have always lasted the same amount of time and may have been more politely received than really welcomed in the first place. Maybe that was enough to qualify). Did I try to ask her out AGAIN after being shot down ONCE? No (however, our mutual friends KNEW of my feelings for her and...well...again, I never actually had the awkward conversation specifically entitled "You're a girl, I'm a guy; and I'm totally cool about what you did/said, so let's just be friends." My mistake). Was it SEXUAL harassment? I didn't send her a whole slew of innuendos/inappropriate banter. Was I being more OBNOXIOUS about Social Media than I am now that I'm all but done writing on people's walls save for important occasions (or, at least, going a few months rather than a couple of weeks to let someone know that they still cross my mind)? Admittedly, yes; I was being obnoxious to almost EVERYONE about my overuse of Social Media to keep my end of the eternal bargain to "stay in touch." Did "Hillary" understand that I wrote to her almost as often as I wrote to a lot of people (albeit, usually, it was because other's were keeping the conversation moving)? I guess not. Was being nonsexually-harassing-per se-but-obnoxious-nonetheless just enough to pull the right trigger and effectively LOSE Hillary as even a friend anymore, let alone anything more? The results speak for themselves...

Okay; this behavior MAY have been A BIT more endearing if I were (taller/more attractive/what-women-wanted/more popular [for reasons besides "oh, he's the guy who's friends with everyone. We could at least try to reciprocate."]/...NOT in my early 20s and in COLLEGE at the time!). I've run the gamut of excuses (She invited the first embrace and I allowed myself to think that that's how we were to ALWAYS greet one another, she hung around and let me talk to her, she was polite in shooting me down so as to avoid completely crushing me until she felt that that was her absolute LAST resort to save herself, etc.). In the end, I could have been a detriment on her own college experience and, to this day, I can't stand that.

I'm a changed man now (than I was all of six years ago. The stunning of a loss of one important friendship will do that to a fellow). However, it's too late to have that conversation with Hillary; or, at the very least, with one other girl among several whom I had cared about the friendship of up until the point where even THAT was taken off of the table (The final offense that killed THAT friendship, after a myriad of Facebook quips that quit being responded to and, this time, over MESSENGER: "I asked her, year after year, if she'd like to be on the Christmas Card list; and if so, it would help if I had her address.")

Sometimes, being that obnoxious is enough. On some microlevel, maybe it was because of me that an innocent young woman felt her nerves wracked; right up until the point where they DID something about the "offender." It's, obviously, too late for an apology, an admission of guilt, and the pleading that losing their online friendship ALTOGETHER changed me. I can only pray that they've found the happiness that they deserve...

Being me, I am very lucky to have hung on to 98% of my college friendships at least online; with the women I went to college with AS WELL AS the guys (like I said, I was "equal opportunity" online-obnoxious as long as this was a friendship that had really helped me through college). Yeah; the loss of TWO important friends stings. But it wasn't because of THEM...

*****************************

Let's fast forward to "36, still as single as ever, and constantly up at the bars." I don't drink anything stronger than soda (and, thanks to the FitBit program, I've replaced 95/90/okay, maybe 85% of THOSE with waters) and bar FOOD only does so much for a guy. I'm no longer as young; but just as single. I'm at one of four of what have become my personal "Cheerses" for "sophisticated" repartee between myself and whoever happens to be running the bar at the time.

No; of course my favorite bartenders AREN'T other guys.

Now, well into my mid-thirties, this is about taking a seat, ordering food, engaging in banter, trading back and forth, getting a couple of refills to stay a little longer, tipping lavishly, and making sure that every single person who's waited on me is bid a fond "farewell" for their due diligence.

On the surface level, this is all pretty innocent and endearing. You guessed it; to this day, I've picked my favorite servers out from the rest for a very specific reason. Of course, neither of them should EVER be available to me as more than a server and Facebook friend for any multitude of reasons. So, hyped up on caffeine if I'm feeling like treating myself, I will have every conversation EXCEPT that one. I'll let them know how "awesome" I think they are; especially if they're dealing with a full bar, I've already overheard the interchange of even ONE "rude" customer, and there I am with a water in front of me on one of the many nights where I WON'T order food OR soda pop (but here's all of ONE DOLLAR under the water glass and getting soggy for your troubles. Thanks again). We'll exchange notes about the week; and I'll let my sympathy ooze out if one or two of my local favorites have had a less than absolutely stellar last seven days. I'll make the offer to lend out my mittens if we're at my water-front dive, it's 40 some degrees with a far worse windchill, and SHE's the one who has to work. (THAT part might have been crossing a line, due to our college experiences at a shared mere alma mater being close to eleven years apart. In this case, I'd known her from the bar for about three summers and I was being polite as I understood that she was working the inner and outer bars for the evening while I was ready to turn tail for the inner bar at the first sign of open availability).

My mistakes/errors in judgment may not be the most callous/most offensive (especially not when the difference is an age gap, not even when the only visible problem is that the bar tendress is in a relationship; but "hell-no-to-the-age-gap." I'm pursuing my first relationship; NOT my third wife). But what am I going to blame for putting ANY less than distinguished behavior on display AT ALL; the third Pepsi? The absolutely nonoffensive/nonleading remarks from a stunning bar beauty? (No; they have too much class for that, are way out of my league anyway, and probably deal with THAT from far worse customers than myself).

In speaking of...

I was down at my favorite Summer dive last Sunday. It was full to capacity with people waiting to find a table/single seat. The bar crew had to run around like beheaded chickens to keep everyone entertained/satisfied. I felt a swell of sympathy for the efforts that they were putting forth, coupled with my being happy for them that they were having such a banner Sunday.

In walks a guy who (if I'm being polite) was most likely in his sixties (again, THAT's a conservative estimate from a man who's still about 85% conservative in other aspects of his life alongside the "age guessing game." But I digress; I'm not a carnival gamesman and there's not an age gap at [favorite summer time place]...)

I'll call him "Mr. Dill." So, Mr. Dill is JUST as welcome at the bar as anyone else, of course. What I'm TREATED TO out of him is, pretty soon, he's offering to buy EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN behind the bar a shot that I can't remember the name of. The problem is NOT that he's more-likely-in-his-seventies-than-his-sixties; a complication COULD lie in the fact that the gals behind the bar are in their twenties.

Okay; maybe this is his way of paying the servers back for their due diligence of keeping a full bar of customers happy and I completely misread/misunderstood the FIRST time he said it to ONE of them who politely and professionally went to find another table that needed service (besides, they've all worked here for several summers now; they've probably been here before and KNOW how to handle it). When the FIRST ask becomes a SECOND offer to a DIFFERENT bar tender, THEN the third/fourth/fifth offer with only three different women back there, something is starting to catch on here and I'm listening to people being treated like THIS over the haze of PEPSI rather than something strong enough to make this conversation sound okay.

In a full bar with loud music over my head from my place right under a speaker, trying to hear people under face coverings, and listening to the din of Mr. Dill, I couldn't get my bill for my food and drink, then pay up, then wait for change for my tip fast enough. It was THAT uncomfortable as I visit here multiple times/weekend, KNOW the gals by name (and, in many cases, by which college they may or may not still be at) and honestly couldn't bear to see them (potentially or not) harassed/annoyed for one moment longer...

The rise of the #MeToo movement taught victims (about 95% of them being young women) to speak out. Didn't it teach us GUYS ANYTHING??? (I'm hilariously under-muscled; if I see something, I'm not about to DO anything. And to avoid an ugly scene at someone ELSE'S workplace, I'm STILL too timid to SAY something [too harsh] to the actual offender either. However, give me just a couple of minutes to tell the potentially harassed that I'm in her corner and I'm good...).

But my discomfort in Mr. Dill's behavior runs deeper than being an eye-witness to it. Did I not JUST get done saying that one of my "favorite" waitresses here in town is already still in her mid-twenties while I'm in my mid-thirties and, therefore, THAT conversation from me will never be approached? Okay; but the thoughts are disparaging enough. Now, fast forward ME to 2031. If I'm in my mid-FORTIES now and STILL haven't met my first date, let alone my first fiancee/wife/mother-to-future-children, would MY behavior be ANY better than this?

The #MeToo movement was, sadly, never only about Hollywood. It may or may not have exclusively been about "powerful" offenders and "powerLESS" victims (and, when you're a bar customer and the workers work for tips, WHO is holding all of the power here?) Thoughts like what I have when my favorite barhop crosses my path could eventually lead to the absolute wrong innuendo/bad joke to share; and THEN, where will ANYONE be but in a situation that's only "awkward" for me and a far worse place for the offended...

Could one person's #MeToo moment, however "innocent/unintended/incidental," been because of ME...? How can I do better for everyone concerned?

"Kent Brindley; aspiring decent guy here. Let me take a moment to apologize for the jackasses; and beg your indulgence for when my words/actions purported ME to be the jackass.

If you liked this reading, you will most likely LOVE something else here. Feel free to peruse my profile as every dry read helps.

Thanks for your help."