36 and Flying Solo

Hello, fans and friends, it's me again.

You're joke-making, soda-drinking, FitBit moving, street-walking, sometimes writing, torturous vocalizing, 'toon watchin', video game-playin' sonuvagun (WOOO!)

No? Bad intro? We'll work on that.

Me again. By now, enough of you know who I am as a vintage animation nerd, figure collector, video gamer, under-accomplished book salesman, and, of course, still single (Gee, I wonder why???)

Journey with me now as we explore what seems to be my "favorite" subject lately (with as much humor as I can manage)...

"Lifestyles of 36 and Single."

...So, this wouldn't be the first time that I've come to my "Vocal" account to harp on the woes of spending my whole life single. (You should see me Facebook page; where I'm, surprisingly, even MORE vocal about these woes).

Let's back up some; because I would be remiss if I claimed that I'd been born in September of '84 and never had a DATE. There was the one dance in 8th Grade that my crush du jour finally said "yes" to my taking her (probably some kind of elaborate stunt between her and her pretty, popular pack of friends). Anyway, she got a special performance of "Tearin' Up My Heart" (wherein I first learned that my voice tends to uncontrollably climb the octaves when I'm doing karaoke before a crowd and, therefore, at 14, it sounded like I was going through puberty for her listening pleasure. Since it was a school dance, I did coax her into a couple of slow dances; and she laughed in my face throughout all of them. My singing was bad enough; my suave, debonair rug-cutting was, apparently, laughable). So that was the "dating scene" in Junior High; let alone high school where I would be resigned to showing up stag and ASKING for dances that may or may not come my way from some crush ranging from minor-to-major. (Far kinder women to me now that Crush Number One had finally sent one of her friends to set me straight midway through eighth grade).

Then came college. "Dates" were unscheduled rendezvouses in the middle of the campus eatery as I tended to dine alone and along would come one of several Campus Ministry women whom I had gotten to know; or when I scored the actual AGREEMENT to an INVITE to dine in the campus eatery with one of my more important (at the time) unrequited flames.

So, no; nothing beyond a slow dance or two or lunch on campus ever happened for me (save for the fact that, upon reaching campus, I became suave and debonair enough that gals would agree to Facebook friendships or "meh, just chatting" during weekend Campus Min. events).

So, no, the debonair ladies man doesn't look like THIS...

...but, obviously, even I changed some from Junior High to High School to College.

Yeah; "I discovered social media (my muse, and very first Facebook Friend, being, you guessed it, my first campus crush; and the first girl who I ever poured my heart out to, anticipating an appropriate answer), so, from there, the question turned to 'what takes so long for these cuties to MESSAGE me back rather than CALLING me back'?"

Oh; and my time around Campus Ministry women ALSO taught me about the callous "embrace in greeting;" and what could happen when I became too cavalier about just throwing out the SAME initial greeting that they had been the ones to offer every single time I saw one of those women...

...Yeah, I've lost some very important friendships, let alone anything MORE, over that one. Or the cavalier use of Facebook to keep my end of a bargain to "keep in touch;" right up until the point where a misunderstanding has occurred because I'm not reading enough into radio silence until the day that I...lose that friendship by being overly obnoxious.

That was college; and college was SO eleven years ago.

"You're older by now, right? and MARRIED? With that family???"

Older; yes. And by "married," you mean "pining after the thoughts of a couple of different crushes (one who's taken; the other who...let's just say that our lives are in different places. Either way, neither is a person who I'm relieving the DMF [Defining-My-Feelings] conversation toward). Oh, and FAMILY? Sure; because I gave up my apartment 4 years ago now and "family" is my parents' house again.

Yeah; I'm REALLY in a hurry to mention that part (and no car; and about 13 and a half hours a week at my FIRST part time job; with 9 or so hours a weekend at a SECOND part time job) to the next woman who strikes my fancy (and is single; and could possibly like me like I like her; AND is somewhere in the neighborhood of at least her LATE twenties, if not early thirties, if not JOINING ME in MY mid-thirties).

Ouch. So what do you do about it?

Let me let you in on a little something; "being at home with my parents again means that they are, at least somewhat, AWARE of my adulthood and that I need out." I can be found down at the restaurants/bars every weekend, sipping on water and soda (never did care for what I'd seen alcohol do to others' personalities), drinking in conversation with some young lady who has long since learned me by name (and my tipping pattern), and partaking of fine dining food; that's good enough to satisfy MY palate.

Sipping in sodas and drinking in the company of a waitress who DOES, obviously, have OTHER customers too isn't always all that it's cracked up to be either.

Remember when I said that I've spent a long time learning these women by name; and getting to KNOW most of them as what they would call acquaintances but I've fast-tracked to "friends?" It HAS resulted in me being a little extra kind to them; especially if they've admitted to having a tough week. Or if I happen to BE THERE at the moment that a customer starts complaining or wanting to get confrontational, it is painful for me to watch; and on my wallet when I start tipping HIGHER and HIGHER because, now, my FRIEND is dealing with some jackass, and I'm not about to address the abhorrent CUSTOMER about it. No; because turning my sympathetic ear, words of very sincere (if awkward, by now) platitudes, and wallet toward a young service worker who has just dealt with a rude customer is doing so much better.

So, it's easiest to keep conversations on the surface (ALSO why I best talk sober, be aware of, and REMEMBER my words; for when I flub them anyway). Keep conversations to maybe two minutes if the girl's at work then put in the bookmark for whe she comes back around. You’re a grown man now; the awkward embraces are a hell of a lot more awkward if you don’t gain PERMISSION first or if, at bes, SHE doesn’t put it out there. Don't lingeringly leer (especially not below the eyes; or lips; I'll give myself LIPS). Don't act too needy; you're the guy with the soda and water most days, and on the days that you're hungry, they've TAKEN your order; hold tight. Laugh, Joke. Quip. Trade pleasantries about the week. DON'T talk about what's REALLY on your heart when SHE walks up to you (like you knew she would; you know where she works, idiot). These feelings have passed before with training; or when someone new tickles your fancy. Give it time; and KEEP praying for your future girlfriend/fiancee/wife. It'll happen for even YOU one of these days (then, when it doesn't work out, look at you, stud; you've established all of these faithful listening ears for your woes. You've told them all how awesome THEY are; now it's their turn to come back with that...)

This has been "Life With Me, Myself, and I; in My Parents' House and the Community In Which I Grew Up."