Confessions of Love

I stood in my bathroom, leaning against the counter, as I quietly gasped for breath. This was happening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The future was planned. And yet, instead of what should have been a joyous moment, my heart’s shattering into tiny pieces. The weight of my sorrow on the precipice of swallowing me whole.

Struggling to keep the tears from falling, I clutched my cell phone. As if somehow, if I pressed hard enough it would magically whisk me by your side and into your arms. If only, but I think that ship has sailed. If I could go back I would have put my fear and pride and shame aside. But that’s just a dream, a memory long untouched. Unbidden, the good times we’ve had begin to play through my mind, and the surge of emotions crushes me.

I choke on my breath, and instantly flick my hand to turn on the bathroom fan to muffle my sounds. I’d tried so hard to keep it together, but my will has broken. I sob hard and silently. My tears hot and streaming, and honestly all too familiar. I sigh. Why am I doing this to myself? You’re gone, and you’re never coming back. Right??

Right. With resolve I unlock my phone and I find your name - and with one final glance through our texts I delete them all. Regret immediately grips my heart, and I feel as if I’ve just been sucker punched in the stomach.. as if I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I look in the mirror and the saddest girl I’ve ever seen is staring back at me, huffing to catch her breath and trying to muffle her cries. Instead of aglow with love, she looks hollow.

The sight of myself breaks something in me and emotionally I can’t take it anymore. Instinctively, I reach through the curtain to my left to turn the shower head on and adjust the water to the hot setting. I’ve experienced these kind of tears before, the ones you need the water to help soothe the ache. Lightheaded from the tears that are running down my cheeks, I climb into the garden tube and draw my knees up to my chest. Under the guise of the water, I cry. I cry for the memories that have entrenched my soul, and refuse to stray. I cry for the way I miss your smile and laughter. For the touches and kisses, that haunt me. For each of the times you reached out, and I shied away. I wish I knew what was on your mind… and if you truly wanted to know what was on mine. I wish I hadn’t have been a coward. I wish I had a chance to love you again.

It wasn’t until the shower ran cold that I decided to stand up and peel off my clothes. With each layer removed, I try to expel my thoughts of you. Dwelling on the past will just send me spiraling, and I haven’t the energy anymore. I need to focus on tomorrow and the role I must play. The statistic I must avoid. The life I must build.

*Deep sigh*

I have to move on, but I can’t. Something deep inside refuses to let me ignore the goodness I’ve felt with you. Forgetting you is not an option, so instead I lock you away, bury you in that untouched place in my heart. In that forbidden place only you have caressed and known. That stays reserved for you. Waiting, and wishing that you realized … I’m still in love with you.