Confessions of a Neurodivergent Black Girl: The Bad Built Thot

"You ungrateful, bad built thot!!"

That was the first I had ever heard of an insult like that.

We can call him Skylar. He was my second love. A romance that was as unpredictable as the weather in New York. It was so turbulent, so messy, and yet at times, so beautiful.

It was amazing at first as it always is. He was a prince that swept me off my feet and claimed me as his own in that moment. He was the sweetest, most gentle boy. He was very much my type at the time as well. To this day, I don't know what darkness came over him. Perhaps it was there all along, and it took me far too long to realize.

All I know is that one day, I was suddenly walking on eggshells around him. It went from the sweetest nothings to the most sour, awful everything's. His moods became incalculable. I know longer knew this man - at this point he would've been 18 - and I spiraled trying to get the old him back.

As awful as he could be, he knew exactly how to pull me back in. Always admitting his faults and how terrible he was, along with some excuse as to why I shouldn't take him back. Which, he was right. But he knew I wouldn't walk away. He knew that I didn't want to be without him, much less be alone in general at that time. I had no self worth at this time in my life.

There was a time when my best friend tried to intervene one Thanksgiving holiday. I remember the first panic attack I ever had was at this point, all over a conversation on Kik in 2014-2015. That night ended with me getting dumped and my best friends life being threatened along with mine. He knew my address as well. While no attempts were made, this event is forever burned into my memory.

I still didn't leave.

After all that, I begged for him back.

The worst part of it was he didn't take me back right away, so I spent weeks chasing him. Hoping HE would forgive ME for getting my friend involved in our issues (the issue being him literally abusing me).

I still remember his words: "You'll NEVER be my girlfriend..."

They stayed with me and stung so, so bad. I needed to prove him wrong. Eventually, it worked as we did get back together. I never forgot how disappointed my best friend was in me.

That didn't matter to me, though. All that mattered was that I had Skylar back. I had him back until I didn't.

At some point, I saw his posts on social media regarding another woman. When I confronted him he said it was about his sister. I stupidly left it alone even though my gut knew something was up. I knew better than to address it with him again.

Eventually the relationship ended. Fast forward to my software year of college, for some reason I was stalking his Tumblr account and found said posts again with proof of my suspicions: this was no sibling of his.

It was in this moment that I decided I was reclaiming my power. At least that's what I thought it was. I DM'd him and let him have it about everything. About how he treated me and my loved ones over the years. I did this knowing he was a short fuse and I didn't care; I was ready for war. However, instead of trading blows, he responded civilly. With an apology.

I was shocked. I didn't know what to do or say, because this wasn't like the other times he apologized for his behavior. At this point, I don't remember if I ever responded. I still remembered being the "bad built thot" and all the other things he'd called me in the past, so I didn't know what to think.

It was at this point that I finally walked away.