Brick by Hit,

I want to hate you for years of making me feel less than nothing,

For telling me how worthless I was

over and over

like a broken record

for showing me

Just how inadequate

the outcome was

of every little thing

I attempted to do

how incompetent you believed me to be

how little I mattered to you

to them, to anyone.

I want to despise you for shoving me

just a little farther

Verbally

just a little harder

Physically

each time I made you angry

for the consistent decrease in time

years that became months

months becoming weeks

weeks skipping by days

and turning into hours

over night

between each punch

Each push and slap.

I wanted to loath you

for the increase in pain

between each promise

to never do it again

With each concussion and fractured rib

the more numb I’d get

The less I could breath

The disassociation of my soul

Piece by piece

Slivers of silver

A little more shaved away each time

My soul returned

The numbness taking over

Every time I’d leave myself

I’d come back less than before

Sliver by hit

Shredded in bits

The tears a mask

A involuntary reaction

A vessale can’t truly cry

if its soul removes itself

But you never knew

How could you?

When yours was gone too

I want to scream at you for helping me build this prison

this wall Of isolation

Circling this well we dug together

A well of disconnection

filling it with my own tears

A tear for brick

A brick for each hit

Brick by brick

hit by hit

the higher it got

the weaker I’d get

Scoop by scoop

tear by tear

The deeper the trench

the depths of my fear

I wanted vengeance

For each time you would push off

The scaffolding I clung too

Into the well

I’d fall

Each time the water deeper

The wall higher

The seconds till I hit the bottom

Lengthening and stretching

The surface above

You’d pull me up again

You always did

Until you didn’t

I wanted to feel something

Beyond the nothing that was there

when you finally pushed me

Off the edge of the wall completed

One last time into the depths

Sinking fast in a watery grave

Salted with fear grief and pain

Hitting the rocks

No more light no more love

Anchored and breathless

You did not pull me out

Drowning without panic

Your words cement in my lungs

My vessal slipped into darkness

My soul stayed floating above

Minutes hours weeks days

Months of eternity

The minutes strengthened by rage

Enveloped in darkness

I WANTED TO HATE

To never forgive

As you left me at the bottom

Of the well you help dig

But now I know better

So I thank you instead

because with that final shove

The words last said

Your hands around at my neck

the numbness you inspired

took over instead

With no fear to bind me

Without pain my soul fled

No breath was needed

Mind body and soul one

Clarity in my head

You thought you had broke me

With that last final shove

Assumptions my salvation

When you did not pull me back above

You left me there silent

Alone, beaten, done

I couldn’t fight anymore

It’s was time to run

And in the abyss

Determined to swim

I pushed off that rock bottom

And I could breath again

Every breath In brought back strength

And a piece of my soul

And pushed out the infection

That had taken ahold

Breath by breath

A memory

A glimpse of light

For now just enough

To find a foothold in the night

And from the water i climbed

That perilous wall

Desperate clinging

To each memory of love

Of When I once was enough

Each a foothold a support

While I pulled myself up

And the footholds became bigger

Not as far apart

And steps appeared

Spiraling up

I found my balance

I found I could stand

I found I could walk

Step by step out of my prison

My true escape began

From that towering prison

you helped me build

brick by hit,

hit by brick

At the top

Another precipice to face

This time no push

No victims fall

I lept with faith

My landing was hard

It woke me up

A moment of solitude

Of freedom with wings

Then Shocked to the core

The fear rushed back in

I hit the ground running

Faster than sound

Looking for refuge

Sanctuary’s grounds

Through woods riddled with monsters

And venomous snakes

I fought my way through the forest

Until I found a safe place

I need to thank you

for dropping your guard

For encouraging fear

for pushing to hard

A boxing match in a ring of gold

On a marriage bed made of ice

Is the story you told

Your wife not your equal

Not your other half

But just a projection of all

You thought you lacked

A punching bag made of flesh

Your scapegoat for pain

It drove me forward

It taught me life

From the darkness

I would find an incredible light

I found a path

out of the woods

away from your wrath

It has taken time

it will take some more

but with each passing day

I feel less of your storm.

I know I am lucky,

that I escaped in time

there are many whose stories

end different than mine.

On that Trail followed that led me to you

I can honestly say i

would have turned back if I knew

But in doing so Would mean

rewriting my past,

and sacrificing another

to you and your wrath

It was a time of very little joy

Trapped with obstacles of my own making

this is a past I cannot in

good conscious revise

to give my fate to another

lured in by your facade

The mask you wore well

The pretense of love

She may have accomplished

what I did as well

and escaped your mental and physical hell.

But history is history

The past is the past

Here I stand now

I am who I am

Scarred but not broken

Once injured but healed

A complete soul

Intact with my body

I can once again feel

I am not worthless

I have jo more doubts

I found confidence

I found happiness

I am grateful

For your dark stormy cloud

Losing myself to you was a catalyst

A needed path

I am more than I ever was

I am more than my past

The prison tower I built

Around the well of disconnection

With you as my warden

It will not be for nothing

every year of your rancor

each detestable month

every hour of fear

Every minute of rage

Is what drives me

to help another escape

And so I thank you

For making me see

For showing me how strong

I can truly be

I forgive you everything

And I forgive me