Aomori-ni-Murasaki

One side argues a shadowy group of omniscient lizards controls all actions on the world stage. The other side counters with snake people. Both are close enough as far as either takes it. But I’m here to tell you the global over-undermind injects thoughts into every head - including the heads of illuminated reptilian templars who bury gold beside biblical treasures in remote locations known only to experts hired by cable television production studios.

Who injects thoughts into the global over-undermind’s head?

An excellent question. As a bonafide (and quite stable) genius, I must confess to having directed the course of world events for the last few years. In my defense, the global over-undermind is dealing with a lot right now, and its interpretation of the Plan leaves much to be desired. This time around, famine, pestilence, and war were not supposed to be the triggers for progress. Unfortunately, that rut runs deep. Take Florence. Half the city died from plague while the other went starving. A gaggle of petty warlords went berserk - and boom! The Renaissance.

It’s true that for the last decade or two I have, on a few occasions, inadvertently disclosed my intention to develop a virus. You will assert this intention constitutes a tired repetition of the pestilence meme. I said this time was supposed to be different, so…. Yes, I hear you. My virus would not have killed anyone.

How can a virus that doesn’t kill advance civilization?

An excellent question. My virus would have sterilized the entire human race. No favorites. As the population collapsed, so would competition for resources, the cost of food, and the price of housing. We would burn less fuel, poison fewer water tables, and drive fewer species into extinction. Yes, you have heard population collapse is bad. Collapsing populations shift the balance of power from Capital to People, you see, and so Capital’s paid mouthpieces insist it can’t be allowed to happen.

But even if you have no sympathy for shareholder value, you may assert the cause of civilization is not ultimately well-served by the disappearance of humanity. Putting aside the fact that this assertion is almost certainly not true, no virus is perfect - not even one developed by a bonafide (and quite stable) genius. Some people will simply be immune. There is also the whole cloning thing.

What went wrong?

An excellent question. Despite my control of the global over-undermind, I have never been able to amass the fortune necessary to develop a sterility virus. The global over-undermind received my instructions, however, and has been advancing toward population collapse the old-fashioned way. It really is a pity this has to be so messy, because I’ve had the mechanics of the virus worked out for years.

Little bacteria produce it. Those bacteria attach to pollen. When that pollen gets inhaled, there are no sniffles, headaches, hospitalizations, refrigerator morgue trucks, or mass graves. There is only global sterility - with all the benefits enumerated above. The over-undermind did a capital job on the highly contagious respiratory virus front. It only whiffed on symptoms.

I disclose this virus now, forfeiting all intellectual property rights, because time is running out. Having been presented with specifications, practitioners skilled in relevant life and biological sciences should be able to produce this pollen-carried, virus-producing bacteria in any reasonably equipped laboratory or classroom - anywhere in the post-industrial world.

In fact, the global over-undermind is giving me a vision.

The fog is thinning… yes! I see! You are a graduate student in Aomori Prefecture. You have been writing a thesis on bees, but are intrigued by the prospect of using pollen to carry the salvation of (human) civilization to every corner of our globe. Your university has the necessary equipment. Its professors are looking for exciting projects to pitch ministers responsible for new government research initiatives. Japan has had a declining population for decades, giving it a headstart on capturing the opportunities global sterilization presents.

All the ministers need is plausible deniability. All you need is a codename. Let’s go with “Murasaki.” It’s elegant, easy to remember, and has a fine literary pedigree. Mythological overtones would be nice. “Aomori-no-Murasaki.” Substitute positional for possessive. “Aomori-ni-Murasaki.” The fact “ni” is “in” backwards demonstrates we have actually been on the right track for centuries.

When you receive this message, Aomori-ni-Murasaki-san, please put the global over-undermind at ease by letting it know you are on the case. Tweet “I am Aomori-ni-Murasaki.” Even better, “I am called Aomori-ni-Murasaki.” That should translate directly into something badass when voiced by your anime avatar.

The world depends upon your kindness and hard work.