An Open Letter to My Childhood Love

Hey. How are you? I hope that life is treating you well. I look you up on Facebook sometimes just to see how it’s all going. Occasionally, my coworker will tell me that she saw you, and I’ll ask her how you were.

We were really good friends for a really long time, and there will always be a soft place in my heart for you. You’re special to me, even though we didn’t stay close as we grew older.

I know that you know I loved you. I’m not sure if you thought it was all a big joke at the time, but I assure you, it was not. I’m married with children,now, and I’m very happy. Even still, I think most people carry around a kind of love for the person they loved as a child. The love I had for you then was strong. It was deep and pure and swallowed me whole. It’s all a fantasy, now, though. Most of us don’t even know that person anymore. We aren’t the same people we were at ten years old, are we?

It’s different now, the love I carry around for you. It doesn’t consume me. Most days, I don’t even think about it or you, honestly. But I can guarantee, that if you needed my help, I would do my best to assist you.

Sometimes I get a little angry with myself. I really am very happy with my life, yet, sometimes, I still have dreams about what could have been. It’s all very silly, because, even though I loved you so much, I’m fully aware that the sentiment was not returned. That’s, ok, though. Love isn’t something that needs reciprocation to exist.

There’s a moment that I remember, or I think I remember it. Sometimes I honestly believe I dreamed it and convinced myself that it had been real. It was the end of the school year (maybe fourth grade) and there was music and our classmates were dancing. I was sitting to the side praying silently that you would ask me to dance, and you did. But, I didn’t believe that you were sincere. You knew how I felt, and you didn’t feel the same. It felt like I was being pitied, and I hated it. So, I refused.

Did I make that party up? Did I dream it? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. It’s one of those things I’ll never know for certain.

There are many more moments that I remember. Before we got older and drifted into different circles. I remember your smile. I remember your kindness. I hope the person you are today still shows some of the child that I loved so much.

I suppose this is a confession of sorts. It’s not for my husband, he already knows. I guess it’s for you. Maybe you need to know that someone out there remembers who you were when you were little and the world hadn’t disappointed you, yet. Perhaps it’s for someone else like me, still carrying a tiny little speck of love for someone they don’t even really know anymore. Maybe someone needs to tell us that it’s ok.

It’s ok when the subconscious dredges up the what if’s. No one has control over what dreams come. It’s ok on those occasions to remember that friend and to think of them fondly. It’s ok to remember what it was like to love someone that way. Just don’t live there. Don’t allow the memories and the might have beens get in the way of real life. Don’t forget to enjoy the life that’s real.