An Open Letter to my Ex

There’s so much to say, I don’t know where to start. So I guess I’ll just pick a spot and jump.

I think about you sometimes, but not in the way you’re probably imagining. You see, I still have the tattoo. I’m working on having it covered, but, for now, it’s there, just like I thought you’d be. I see it in the mirror and I can’t help but wonder about you.

I wonder if you’re doing well, if you still love the same things you used to. I wonder if you still have yours, and if it makes you think of me. Part of me hopes you do, but I really hope you’ve had yours covered. I don’t think either of us needs to live in that past anymore.

Most of all, I wonder if you’re happy. I genuinely hope you are. You see, on the occasion when my thoughts turn to you, I sometimes am overwhelmed by the feeling that I need to tell you something, so, here it is.

I’m sorry. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not taking all the blame for all the bad things that happened, but I am accepting my part in it.

I’m sorry that the first time you tried to walk away, I fought back instead of letting go. You see, back then, I thought you had to fight for someone you loved, and I did love you. Dearly.

I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain. I didn’t even see it until it was too late to reverse all the hurtful things we had both said and done to each other. Like I said, I loved you, and I couldn’t fathom letting you go. I look back on those last months now, and I can see the depression written all over your face.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t help. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you needed me to be.

Now, looking back on it all, I can smile at the good parts, but I sometimes still cry whenever the sad parts come up. I cry because I hurt, and then I cry some more imagining how much you hurt, too.

As soon as this virus is no longer a threat, I’m going to the tattoo shop to have it covered up. No, I’m not running from the past. For a long time I refused to cover it up. It felt like I’d be saying I was ashamed. I thought that if I covered it up that I oils somehow erase the lessons I learned from our shared trauma. I felt like I’d be symbolically hiding from all that pain, but now I know the truth. Such a thing is impossible. There is no hiding.

The memories will be there forever, and I’m still learning how to live with that. Sometimes I don’t know what hurts worse. Remembering when things were good or remembering the crushing pain of the end.

Please do something for me. If you haven’t already, find your happiness. No matter what ugliness transpired between us, there was once a time when you were my whole world. That is no longer the case, and that’s ok. It’s how it should be, but I really do want you to be happy.

After all we went through, you deserve it as much as I do. I have now what I always dreamed of, and I pray that someday your dreams come true, too.

You taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. They say if you love someone to let them go. That’s crazy. However, to truly love someone is to be willing to let them go if going will bring them happiness. No matter how much it might hurt.

I don’t want to open communication again. Please don’t think I do. We are where we belong, planted firmly in each other’s past. I just hope you know that I don’t hate you, that I wish you well, and maybe, just maybe, you’re happy for me too.