An open letter as big as an open soul

“He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in pour own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us. “ - Aeschylus

Dear mom,

This is more than an open letter... This is an open soul!

You’re not here anymore… You’re there.

But I know there is here. And I know you can hear or see or feel or just know inside yourself these words I’m writing you.

I have said I am sorry and I asked for forgiveness many times during the years.

For the little things and the not so little things.

For the times I was wrong. And for the times I rushed into judging you and the way you acted.

For the times I forgot, when I shouldn’t have. And for the times when I couldn’t forget, thought it might have been wise if I did…

For the times I was not the child you wanted me to be.

For the suffering that I might have caused you and for the tears you cried because of me.

I AM SORRY!

I said it many times.

I am saying it again.

I am shouting it out to break through the worlds so you can hear and acknowledge it.

There is something I haven’t said though…

I wish I had.

I wanted to.

Many times.

Many, many times in the last years we got to share together “here”.

You never gave me the chance to say: I FORGIVE YOU!

You never apologized or asked for forgives for your side of pain.

I FORGIVE YOU dear tormented soul.

For the unfairness of my childhood.

And for all the injustices that I had to live as a child. Injustices I had to analyze and try to understand as an adult .

For all the tears I cried and for all the times you were the cause of my crying.

I FORGIVE YOU for not understanding me or even trying to.

For all the wrong doing you accused me of, that weren’t mine…

For the slapping and the beating.

For the shouting and the yelling.

For the physical and the mental abuses that you used against me because you didn’t know better.

For the times you couldn’t appreciate me and my work.

For the times you chose to shame me, thinking such a behavior would make me stronger and a fighter maybe.

I FORGIVE YOU!

For choosing to not tell me you love me throughout my entire childhood.

I know you had your reasons. I know you had your wounds to heal from.

I know you had so many ghosts you were fighting with.

I know life wasn’t easy or fair so: I FORGIVE YOU!

I forgive you for all the times I woke up to the sound of your yelling.

I forgive you for the pain inside yourself that so many times you chose to shed over me .

I forgive you for being the reason I never wanted to have kids.

And also THANK YOU!

For making a safe and warm home out of your womb for me.

For giving me life and for choosing to raise me through the pain and the hardship.

Through the scarcity and troubles .

I’ve grown strong because I had to and for that I will always be grateful.

Thank you for the harsh lessons learned so early in life the hard way.

They helped shape the woman and the human that I am today.

I am an empath who gives love and forgives easily because I wasn’t heard, seen, felt, understood or forgiven in my early days on this earth.

It was hard and life was a fight for you.

I understand and I forgive you.

And I let go.

I free you from me.

From the wrong doing.

From the guilt.

I let you go.

So let me cut the cord of pain and guilt that might keep you a prisoner.

And for all of the above, my dear mom: I LOVE YOU!

I send you love and white light.

I AM SORRY!

PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

I FORGIVE YOU!

THANK YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

From your pupil and your teacher and your daughter this lifetime,

With love.