an okay saturday

September 3rd, 2022

It’s been a happy day so far. I’m lying in bed and there are clouds in the sky, occasionally blocking the Sun and introducing the cooling shade of soon to be Autumn, my favorite season. The dark and orange tones of this time of the year soothe me. The sunsets are mesmerizing and the days are both warm and cold.

I woke up in bed with my lover, after a pleasant Friday night that preceded our sleeping. I got to sleep for hours and was woken up by the announcement that it was time to go for brunch. We were celebrating one of his best friends’ birthday by having an Indian-style brunch.

I dressed daringly, a new item that was theoretically conservative but broke the gender role imposed on me by society. It gave me a certain turn in my stomach to walk outside and all the way to the train station, being bombarded by side-eyed looks from strangers. I soon got over it and felt like I was worth looking at. I hadn’t felt like that since my teens. When I used to be much more gender non-conforming.

I thought my outfit would be addressed by the other guests when I arrived at the restaurant, but no. The other people at our table barely even flinched at the misplaced item I was wearing, so I sat down and got comfortable. It’s not as if I was uncomfortable before, but now I felt safe. In the midst of a group of open-minded people that probably even appreciated my choice and style.

The food was great, and I sat at the best spot for an introvert to sit, by the end - where we get to see all of the other people but far away enough from them to engage in a conversation, leaving the only other two people next to me to talk to. And one of them being was of my boyfriend, it was extra safe, and I enjoyed it.

Of course I spoke to other people, but it was mostly small talk during greetings. And as I have mentioned in my previous entries, it’s nothing personal against these people. They are nice and I see that, and my boyfriend loves them, but it’s just people in general. They make me feel bad about myself but that’s not their fault.

We got home and I get to relax, on this cooling warm Saturday afternoon at the end of summer. It’s the weekend and I have two days off work. That has a huge impact on how I’m feeling to be honest. Two days, out of seven! It's insane. I’m exhausted from having to be at an office every day for eight and a half hours. I really want to quit my job. Defeated.

I know it’s not really a defeat. It’s a step towards a healthier life, more comfortable. With more space for my personal goals and achievements.

I've been looking at job applications and trying to figure out what I want for the following years, and how to achieve it. The fear that once haunted me has finally given me a break and my mind is getting clearer, though I know what’s to come is unpredictable and the fear will surely come back. Besides, the offers I see online are absurd.

But today, I’m happy. I’m calm and I want to stay like this. I know that are still some sunny days to come before the cold sets in, and I can't wait for the foggy, moist mornings. I’m considering going out tonight for the second part of our friend’s birthday celebration; perhaps with another daring outfit, but I know I’ll regret it in the morning. And worse, I will probably also regret it if I don’t go.

- Ms. Rodwell