Am I alone

I feel so alone at this very moment. I do not even know how to express myself to others. All I want to do is scream and cry. Make everyone feel the pain I feel. But its not everyone’s pain to feel. So maybe that is why I am having so much trouble with expression.

I know others have felt this same pain. But why is it that we when are going through it, we feel so damned alone. All I can picture is darkness. Complete and absolute darkness. I am surrounded by my pain. I try to find light, feel light. And I know in my mind it is there. But still am in alone in the dark.

My thoughts my feelings. All mine. Alone. Craving to smash and bend, break anything that passes by. But nothing passes, nothing I can touch. Nothing solid to hold onto. Just emptiness. Solitude.

The very thing no one really wants to feel. No really, we spend our whole lives searching for belonging, to fill that void, that emptiness we are all born with. And maybe if we get lucky, we find someone to hold onto. Our parent, our children, our lovers. But in the end when all is said and done. And love his lived, we are still alone. With our anger, hurt and pain. And joy. But right now, I cannot find or feel joy. It has taken a vacation inside of someone else.

I have felt alone a lot in my life, even surround by people. So called friends and family, coworkers. But I’m not sure how you can completely share your insides with people, the world. I am beginning to think its not really possible. I mean sure we can try to express ourselves. But does the other person TRULY know what is happening inside. Can they feel what I feel? No way, if they did I sure I would know. I would see their brokenness.

I’ve poured it out, what I have to give right now. It’s here. Somewhere in all the broken empty darkness. Its there. Lying in a heap. Like dirty laundry. Waiting to be examined. Picked apart. Placed into there respective piles to be cleaned. To be bleached and boiled. To remove all the grime that’s found its way deep into the cracks and cervices. Stiff with the dirty age of time.

Ha. Is that possible? Clean, new, fresh. A newness that was lost in time before. Maybe a new, clean that I’ve never truly known. All things I have not been able to grab and hold onto for a very long time. Or maybe ever.

Maybe if I stand there screaming at that dirty pile of emotional laundry, it will begin to dissipate. Just vanish, no more agony. But then would I be left all alone with absolutely nothing. Emotionless completely. How can that be any better?

From an emotional dark void to an empty blank canvas. I’m not sure if either is better than the other.

Today, referring to the last 24 hours, not even just 12 would suffice. Have been difficult, needless to say. And in my final hour of time at this moment, nothing is all I have found. No one to fill the whole, nothing to take away the empty.

I know there will be many more to come as there have been way too many before. Some days are so much harder. But My pain is mine. I don’t know the words for it. But I’m sure you do. You know too, cause you’ve been there before or are now.