Who Am I

I am 43 years old. I do not know who my father is. My mother has never enlightened me with the truth. Not for lacking of asking; trust me I have asked, more than once.

But each time the story changes.

My childhood is not made up of rainbows and butterflies. I grew up with two moms. Whom spent majority of their waking moments fighting and arguing. A very toxic household; emotionally and physically.

I remember asking her when I was younger who my father was because we were working on our family tree in school.

She handed me a picture and proceeded to told me a story.

A story about a guy that she knew because she was dating his sister (???).

See according to her, she was quite the party gal. That she had many friends back in her younger days. That she would drink and try all types of different drugs. And that sometimes she would wake up in unknown places and would lose days at a time because she couldn't remember anything.

However, she continued to say that he was in the military but that because of his particular family history it would have been impossible for him to raise me. That his mother and father would have had nothing to do with me because I was a quadroon (her preferred description for me).

Naturally, I believed my mom. I mean why would she tell such a story.

At that time, I used to visit an older friend of hers that was partially blind. I loved to visit because the lady had cats. And anyone who knows me, knows my heart melts in the presence of any kitty kitty.

I would help clean the house, small chores and take care of the cats. Often on weekends I would stay overnight.

During this time, the ladies son would stop by and check in on her and the cats. Many times we would have dinner together; just the three of us and the cats. Never a bad memory, other than being stuck watching old movies. And if that is considered a bad memory; I'll take it. Lol.

But it was during these fantastic visits that I learned her son suspected he was my father. He would never provide any details but he took the time to try to get to know me. My favorite color, my favorite food or my favorite soda.

He began sending me mail. Short letters just saying hi or asking how I was doing. He would tell me about a brother I supposedly had. He would also mail me trinkets such as stamps to start a stamp collection or old coins he used to collect as a child.

But when my mother discovered that he had been visiting me on the weekends while I was at her friends house. She got so upset. She began yelling at me for not telling her. I wasn't allowed to visit any longer and letters stopped coming.

I suspect my mother intercepted the letters or her wife did. I never seen another letter again.

Being a child I never pushed for the truth; although I was more than confused about the whole situation.

But I let it slip...….until

I was in my thirties and I began suffering from severe fatigue. I had already dealt with anemia from childhood. But this fatigue was different.

After several trips to the doctor and testing. I was diagnosed with Thalassemia Minor. A genetic blood disorder.

Soo, a great opportunity to visit the subject once again. Since I don't know who my birth father is. I only have one parent to ask. This should have been an easy task. I ask; she gets tested. A simple blood test;0 its either positive or negative. Nothing to it.

Or at least it should have been. But after 6 months of nagging; I gave up.

One day when I got home from work; she claimed to have had the test completed. However, she proceeded to show me a skin scrapping on her belly and claimed that her test was just done differently and that it was negative. That I must have gotten the disorder from my fathers side.

This lead me to ask; well who is my father. What a mistake. She got huffy and started telling me about this guy she knew when she was younger and he told her he was Greek.

Now I am at a total and complete lose. I have not been given a straight answer. I do not expect one.

What I truly wished is that I still had one of those letters! Times have changed and its so easy to get DNA testing done now.

In conclusion, I am still fatherless.