Agoraphobia, Acting Out and the Aftermath

Growing up I saw mental illness as something for weak people, those with no fight or guption. I used to be one of the aggravating few that said things like 'just be happy' or 'there's nothing to worry about, just relax'. Yes, I was one of THOSE people. Then I turned 23 and life had a lesson to teach me.

In hindsight, I definitely showed the signs of an anxiety disorder without knowing at the time my behaviours probably weren't the norm. Feeling so physically sick if I wasn't in my usual seat at work that I would have to go home, never sitting still and crazy stomach issues, but only when I went to leave the house. Quirks, no? Apparently not. These things were all manageable, I could joke people out of my work seat by laughing at how particular I was about where I sat, I was always on the move because I was 'full of energy and loved to be around people' and one Imodium a day keeps the toilet at bay. I kept myself so busy that I never had any real time to think about why I felt this way.

Fast forward to March 2020, you all know what i'm talking about and I'll spare you the boring details of the pandemic. Long story short I couldn't go out, so I did what any irrational person would do when they get locked into their home. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, ripped off the bandaid and threw my safety blanket in the bin. I closed my bedroom door and didn't come out, worked many more hours than I should have for a retail call centre while doing a full time law degree. I didn't have much time to come out even if I had wanted to. My first realisation was that I didn't actually like to be around other people, I just didn't want to be alone with myself. Once I got past that, I made a new best friend, a friend I could only see in the mirror. We drank wine together, danced and sang to Beyonce and Taylor Swift from the moment I logged off work until the time I had to go to sleep. She loved everything that I did and she laughed at all my jokes, we were the best of friends for months, we even started working out and eating healthy, I loved that the girl in the mirror looked so good. I shut out the burning world outside my bedroom door and created a new safe haven with only me and the girl in the mirror.

Sounds like the greatest feminist love story of all time, girl dumps boyfriend and discovers she loves herself. Wrong. Girl dumps boyfriend, loves herself so much that she worries the outside world will break her if she ever returns. I guess I was afraid that the people I bumped into would see me as a fraud, if they doubted how great I had made myself in my head would I also start to doubt myself? Would the mirror shatter and leave me in pieces on the floor?

Eventually, things started to return to slight normality and we were thrust back into society. The thing is, every single one of us had changed during the pandemic. Whether you developed agoraphobia like me or turned into a running enthusiast, started a baking business after one too many banana breads or decided you could never face the morning commute again. None of us could really go back now.

This is my first blog post….ever. I’d like to use this platform to reflect on journey with agoraphobia thus far, deal with the present, future and everything in between. Follow along for the ride, I can’t promise a happy ending but I can promise a few laughs along the way.