Abbreviated

I chose.

It has been 22 years and today I can attest to honoring the choice that I was afforded that day. I do not regret my choice.

At the time, that choice that I made went against the grain of every fiber of my construct. Instead of shame for the choice, the result was a penetrating strength that rewove the very fibers of my inner world.

We sat there waiting for our drinks to be refilled as we watched the freshly poured syrup drizzled down the hot stack. He took his first bite as I delivered the exciting news. As I explained that the test that I had taken positive, and he almost choked on his second bite.

There was silence between us on the ride home. And that night, rather than a unified approach, he chose to get drunk with a friend and returned in the wee hours of the morning with the question of his inebriation, "You are gonna get rid of it, right?"

My heart shattered into splinters.

We had dated for two years and lived together for one of them as we were both finishing medical school.

I remember the night that I conceived. It was the culminating activity of a night of drinks, drugs, & rock-n-roll. In that state, there was no attempt at birth control nor coitus interruptus.

Until this point, I thought we were in love. I thought we were building a life together.

I confided in my brother and his wife, my dad, and my best friend. My brother agreed to raise the child, but my dad and best friend both recommended to get rid of the pregnancy, but primarily to get rid of him.

At three weeks along, I chose to have the abortion.

I was intensely, emotionally wounded, but not scared. I refused to be rejected by this boy and to be chained to shame for trusting and loving a man. I refused to live a life, nor bring a child into this world, created by a man of his character. He didn't choose a baby or me. He wanted status, money, and titles and to not be burdened. The lack of integrity of the man that he truly was in the shadows became crystal clear.

He arranged the appointment, he borrowed the money from his mother, and he drove me to the appointment. I remember him covering my eyes as we entered the parking lot of the clinic so that I would not see the protesters.

The appointment was simple. I entered, delivered my name, and I cried as I filled out the intake forms in the waiting area. The waiting area was full of women. We were all dressed in skirts with full-coverage, cotton panties as instructed. It was to be a simple D & C procedure.

They retested all of us to make certain that the hormone levels actually supported the presence of a pregnancy prior to the rest of the process.

As my appointment time arrived, I was called back to the treatment room with a doctor and a few nurses to supervise the procedure. I lay on the treatment table and was prepped for the anesthetic. I remember saying "Oh. I can feel that" and then I faded out.

The next thing that I remember, I awoke lying on my right side on a recovery room couch with a blanket covering me. I was a little groggy, but I was permitted to leave immediately. I have no idea how long everything took, but it did not seem very long and was seemingly very effortless and streamlined.

For a week there was a little vaginal spotting, but normalcy resumed.

As for him, I tried to still love him, but it was far more than a pregnancy that was abbreviated that day. I could not tolerate him, so now, I no longer chose him.

As my life progressed, I was finally gifted with a man of stronger constitution. One that chose me and chose our two beautiful kids and a beautiful, pure, & spiritually infused life together.