A Word from Mother to Son...

To My Son,

I struggled to roll out of the covers that lie on my bed today. I struggled to resist the urge of hitting snooze for the fourth time in a short 30 minutes. I struggled as the thought crept in that the reason for my alarms were to be at an office where I was being required to urinate in a cup because I fell victim to the disease that is addiction. This disease nearly cost me you. I struggled with missing your brothers and sisters because I was the only mother they knew for years and I had failed them just as I had you and in the process, failed myself. For years, the five of you were my morning alarm. I struggled picking our clothes out and getting in the shower to make myself presentable for the inevitable that was to be our day because for years, I showered after the five of you were asleep.

Then I heard your desperate cry for my love and affection from your crib. In that moment, my list of struggles I knew I had to face no longer seemed never ending. This enormous shadow that was cast over me all of a sudden seemed manageable. In that moment, I remembered why I continued to wake up and rest my head at night as the sun would rise and set everyday. I remembered why I picked our clothes out everyday and why I needed to smile through my struggles. The reason is you.

Son, I do not come anywhere close to a perfect mother. I cuss what most would probably consider to be too often. Some days, I don't get dressed and don't clean the house, but none of which compares to the guilt I feel for my worst mistake as your mother. My biggest regret is showing you it was okay to tolerate bare minimum from someone just because you love them. I fell head-over-heels in love with the wrong man that was your father and I showed you for the first 10 months of your existence that love was two people kicking and screaming at one another when one couldn't have their way. I allowed you to witness the screaming, crying, and abuse that was the relationship your father and I shared. I comforted and loved you and your siblings with every ounce of my being while I hid my face in the grocery store with the five of you ashamed of the black eye given by your father's hand. I demonstrated that it was acceptable to mask your pain instead of dealing with it every time I would disappear into a dark room for a few minutes and come out bug-eyed. Even though you were too young to know what you were seeing, you saw the change, in the environment and in me.

I don't have enough apologies in the world for that Bean, but when I was done, when I finally opened my mind to the idea that we could, in fact, be successful and happy, our real story began. With every look I take at you, with every tear and laugh and moment shared, I remember my reason for recovery, motivation, self discipline, and success. We have come so far my sweet boy and Mommy is so incredibly proud of us. Thank you for blessing me everyday with your innocence and the pure love in your six-toothed smile. I owe you every happiness I am capable of bringing, and although I can not promise perfect, I can, and will, promise my absolute best. Percy Jay, you are sensational.

With Deep Love,

Your Mother