A small life

The insecurities started as a teenager, I was maybe 15 when I realized I was kind of small. Also, it was about the time I started to understand the ridicule and all the jokes about big verses small. For some reason it affected me hard. It might have also been that the first girl I was with, she said I was the smallest she was ever with. It was a horrible feeling and it made me lose myself to video games, It's where I mind my solitude.

My depression continued on month after month, year after year, always wondering what is it about me, why can't I get a girlfriend. I know I was always made fun of behind my back. One of my fellow classmates near graduation told me he was sorry for how my life was in high school and he was immature and didn't know better. Ok,...

I skipped my graduation, skipped my prom, and even skipped a 10 year gathering. I never learned to be very social and with none helping me out I managed to get out alive. Honestly, alive.

I was in a dark place for most years after 15. When I was about 17 I tried to end it, maybe I just didn't try hard enough. I spent the next 3 years mostly alone, on medications to try and control my emotions but it has made me less caring about everyone and everything around me. What if I stopped taking the pills, would I go crazy. What would happen?.

My 20's were so weird, I mean it. I started taking my pills and that's when my life changed. I was always tired, never wanted to go out just wanting to be alone. I lost so many friends when I started taking my pills, but it didn't really bother me. I noticed my emotions disappearing. I felt like I had become a zombie human who has no say over my emotions. My whole world became a box and I felt trapped with in it, no openings just walls everywhere I look preventing me from feeling love, and compassion.

I spent 12 years lost in the World of Warcraft video game. I forgot about the outside world, I was all alone. My mom would call and visit to make sure I am ok and that I didn't do something stupid, as she says.

I managed to make it to 30 and that's when I got introduced to the girl who in 2 years would be my baby mama. She was like me, we got a long so well. Then 1 day she started putting me down. It started slow but as the weeks went by it got worse. I didn't know what to do we had a child I felt committed. I put up with up for a little bit longer trying to see if it was just a phase. It was not.

I never had the gonads to stand up for myself really, I just dealt with it until 1 night I literally had to get alcohol so I could speak my peace. That night ended everything. I needed to get out the that relationship as fast as possible. I lost my child, I can still see him but it's different not living with me.

I am know back into the video games. With an occasional story that I can write about my half assed life.

The darkness, and the voices are now my friends. I prefer spirits over humans.