A Moms' Love

First thing first, I absolutely love my mother. I adore her with my whole heart and soul. She just got out of surgery a week ago. Successfully going through a hysterectomy was a magnificent moment. This year in general has been crazy.

#2021WasNotIt

I am so proud of her and could not be happier to know that 40% chance of cancer has gone to zero.

I have always felt that this issue is not easily discussed in the outside world of tight knit families. I also firmly believe there is no such thing as perfect families, perfect parents, perfect children, so basically the perfect human.

The point is, if I can only keep one friend and often times end up choosing my family, mainly my parents to be with rather than others.... I would hope to feel free in my own skin.

I am in no way an amazing person. I have lied to my family about how my college life is going but barely finishing three years is already too far in my mind to change paths now.

I may even end up being suspend soon because of my grades, I guess what goes around comes around am I right? (I have obviously been watching too much of 'The Circle' on Netflix)

So, why am I worrying about my feelings instead of getting an A in my summer classes? There is not a clear answer for that.

The motivation is low, and I have no idea where to go with my life. I have been told time and time again, I am still young to know anyways.

Though, the Instagram timelines of people I knew in highschool say differently.

Moving on, the weight gain has been obvious. Boy, do I want to slap my 17 year old self for being upset fitting into a size eight at a 5'7 height.

I am now about to turn 21 years old, weigh 203 pounds and still the same height.

I don't find myself super overweight but the outline stomach pouch in my high-waisted jeans, the XL plus 14/16 sizing, and the extra fat in my face all says otherwise.

In my first year of college away from home, I actually did lose some weight. Which was weird because this was the first time I did not feel pressured from my classmates or atmosphere to change myself.

In fact the one thing that was supposed to motivate me did not happen.

Having left in mid August the goal was to lose 40 pounds. Yes, that’s right 40 pounds in three and a half months so that I could wear a cute swimsuit in Cancun.

Sounds ridiculous typing it out right now.

But was even more ridiculous was that my mother and I believed it could happen. Well, more so I believed and all my mother wanted was for me to lose a huge amount of weight.

I had been immersed in the YouTube timeline of all those advertisements of ‘Lose 10 pounds in this 10 minute 7 day work out!’

And then came the challenges. The Chloe Ting challenge, the only drinking water challenge etc.

All in which I lost motivation in or made me extremely unwell to the point I wanted to throw up.

Fast forwarding to spring break when I came home and was actually excited to weigh 213 pounds. It had taken me forever to get out of the 219/220/221 range.

But, all my mother had to say was I didn’t even manage to lose the 40 pounds I said I would in August.

Fast forward to getting out of school in June, I weighed 207 pounds. I was ecstatic.

What reply did I get?

“Is that supposed to be good?” - my mom everyone.

It is now July 23.

I woke up and weighed 203.4 pounds. I feel once I get out of the 200s I would see myself in a different light. And it was so close!

Texting my mom again to give her the great news she replied with, “Is that good or bad?”

At this point I’m unsure if she’s being oblivious and honest that she doesn’t understand the way my weight is distributed throughout my body. And she does not care or remember the previous numbers I have told her before because they are nowhere near the 170 and 180 she is dealing with and feels obese by.

Typing this out I have realized though, I am being untruthful to myself when I say I am doing this for me.

Even if my mother eggs me on, belittles me, or acts unsupported in single digit weight loss, I always comes back for her approval.

And this makes me feel as if the slow weight loss progress is all because of her and not because I’m motivated to change myself for me.

After all the tears and apologies in telling her how much her words hurt, it continues to be the same cycle.

So thank you mom. For making me for go back to my one meal a day diet and comparing myself to every person I see on Instagram or movies.

I love you so much but this is not healthy. I hope getting this out to the world helps me find peace to help myself and relate to others.

I want love myself.

I want to have confidence.

I want to feel free.